Scott Free

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Have you ever wondered what that noise was under your bed in the middle of the night, or why you feel as youre being watched when ever there's no-one else around?

The Right to Freedom[edit]

I think we can all agree that the best test of human rights is when we think one applies to people we don't like, as expressed with such machismo in "I may disagree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."


There was a time in old Europe when people would occasionally say obnoxious things in the public square and the king's men would come and kick the snot out of them. This made some people feel so uncomfortable that they skipped over to the New World and set up a country with rules that said the government shouldn't ought to kick the snot out of people just for acting like assholes.

In point of historical fact, the precipitating event that started this westward migration involved a fellow with the exceedingly unlikely name of Scott Free. Mr. Free was something of a glory hound and showboat. Starved for attention as the thirteenth of nineteen children in the Free household, Scott took to outrageous acts of anti-authoritarian grandstanding. Mr. Free, not particularly well educated, adroit, or humorous, would stand near Piccadilly Circus and rant against just about anything he thought might be held dear to someone; today he would be a successful drive-time shock jock.

One afternoon he finally went too far by making a rude comment about the uncanny resemblance of King George's daughter to a badly abused turkey-hen. The beef-eaters promptly marched out and dragged Scott Free away to prison. (He was said to have yelled "don't truncheon me, bro", but these reports are unreliable.)

Here's the thing though: King George's daughter did in fact resemble a badly abused turkey-hen and everyone knew it. "This?" they thought to themselves, "This is what he gets dragged off for? The one statement that was actually true?" And they started thinking, "The King does not want the Truth known." A groundswell of support emerged among a certain group of citizenry who promptly started raising funds to get Scott Free released from prison. The sentiment was that if someone can get hauled away for something true and only slightly embarrassing to the king, what would happen if someone wanted to say something about taxes or the slavery in the colonies?

As we know, Scott Free was not released and he died aboard a prison ship bound for Australia. Nonetheless, colonists in the New World took the lesson to heart and that's why even today, every American wants to get off Scott Free.