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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Liverpool, England.

A scouser is an unfortunate person who has been infected with the violentisuglymoustacheis virus. It can be difficult to live with because of the severe disfigurement and sheer annoyingness. Scousers tend to be of the burglar persuasion, and often steal car radios. All scousers support either Liverpool or Everton and would happily rape and murder a family of supporters of the enemy team. Princess Diana, after being the first famous person to openly hold and touch people with AIDS, said "I'm not touching one of those dirty northern scum." Mother Teresa's words in the same situation can never be repeated.

An infected person.

The Virus Itself[edit]

The violentisuglymoustacheis virus is a particularly virilant strain of dirtynorthernbastarditis but where as the latter is spread over a wide area of the United Kingdom ( past Birmingham ), the former is concentrated to a small area in the north west called Livah-puuuooooooooole.

These people should not be spat on, urinated on, run over, mulilated, hacked with a chainsaw or burnt with acid, all of which are common because of the severe disgust of the condition. Eventually they will end up hurting and violating each other that is why they need help. There is telethon in aid of them called BBC Scousers In Need where Terry Wogan tries to raise money for affected people.

Typical Scousers all wear the same clothes and all copy each other. Another Scouser is called Pete Price. He has the answers to EVERYTHING in life. The last Scouser on the list is the so called famous Knitting Nan. All she does is sit and knit Lazy Bitch. She also has a song to go with it. Lyrics:

Scouseland ( west of St. Helens ) is also notable for it's abundance of "Firework Shops" which enjoy a healthly trade all year round. It is recommended to see scousers doing their "weekly shop" at such establishments, especially if the scouser is wearing a shell suit as any resulting accident is a sight that can be appreciated by young and old alike.

I knit all day, For some old lady, Sweating, Shaking twats. And thats why my pubic hairs all over the place, REACHS THE USA!

The Tell Tale Signs[edit]

Once infected, the person's taste in hairstyle, clothes, IQ and voice is severely diminished leaving him with the tell-tale unkempt afro, afro-moustache, silly voice, violent nature, constant saying of the word "eh?" and can of Special Brew super strength lager.

Learn Scouse Fast[edit]

If you can't beat the Scouse, join the Scouse! Here's all you need to know!

  • sly/arlarse/tight = unfair---
  • munney = cash---
  • munneyshitter = cash machine---
  • bender = homosexual---
  • nicked/grafted = stolen---
  • Bezzie = best friend/mate---
  • class = marvelous---
  • Crimbo = Christmas---
  • Ciggie = a cigarette---
  • shit = defective---
  • Footy = Football---
  • les/dyke = lesbian---
  • scum/pigs/bisie/rozzers/titheads = police---
  • gorra = got---
  • gorroff(as in "I gorroff with her")= got some
  • smashed/pissed/bevvied/rat-arsed = drunk---
  • butt = headbutt---
  • bifter = cigarette---
  • lecky = electric---
  • sexy ho = Nurse---
  • quid = pound---
  • alass = out of order---
  • ozzy = hospital---
  • offy = store that sells primarily alcohol
  • asif = overtime---
  • Queen = term of endearment for women---
  • queer = homosexual---
  • flid/dumfuk = stupid---
  • retarded mong = stupid---
  • dick 'edd = stupid---
  • Spaced out/blitz/stoned/monged = on drugs---
  • terkish d'lite = shite
  • Shite = see shit.
  • blade = a special, sharp, pointy friend---
  • smackhed = you---
  • fukin ell shu up = good God, SHUT UP!
  • speccy twat = individual with glasses
  • de sun = toilet paper
  • yerwah? = What was that?
  • Goff!! = Individual
  • Propa' Hellshot = Good shot old chap
  • Anno Lad = I am aware
  • Iz rite lad = I agree
  • better team than us ( either club ) = Man Utd


Unfortunately there is no cure for being a scouser. Over the ages people have tried different cures of it, usually containing a "good kicking", but recently a doctor in Kent found out that if he gave the scouser enough sedatives to knock out a donkey then the scouser would shut the fuck up and go to sleep. This form of sedation seems the only way of controlling them.

What To Do If You See A Scouser[edit]

  • Usually running works because their brain cant do two things at once, it has trouble running and breathing at the same time.
  • If you have any sharp objects, stabbing repeatedly sometimes works but it is not recommended because the sucess rate depends on how much feeling his body still has.
  • Use words with more than 4 letters in.
  • Use words with more than 1 syllable.
  • Ask him what the time is, if he has no watch then he will look for it for about 30 mins on his wrist or if he has one telling the time will make his brain explode.

A scouse Joke[edit]

St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty Scousers all wanting to get into heaven.

St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all, and asks them to wait while he goes off to ask God to tell him which ones he should let in.

"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven," says God.

Ten minutes later, Peter comes running back to God, out of breath. "They're gone!" he exclaims.

"What, all forty?" says God. "Not the Scousers," says Peter, "The bloody gates...!"