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Most towns and countries around the coast find it necessary to protect their coasts from tidal waves, flooding, tsunamis, invasion from America, ducks, bits of wood, possessed lilos and the occasional lost channel-crossing swimmer. Often various methods are used, such as groynes, sea walls, and beach nourishment. However, some countries don't have the resources available to create these structures, so resort to seal defenses.

Examples of seal defenses[edit]

  • Seal Wall - This is the most commonly used method and involves chaining seals together and dumping them in the sea infront of your town or village. Chains can be purchased from your local BBQ, and seals from a pet shop, or Greenypurpleland. In some technologicaly advanced states, seals are being bred with the chains already attached, so as to save on little Johnny having to visit the shops on his afternoon off. This is frowned upon by many countries, for it is cruel, heartless, and not invented by them first.
  • Groins - Commonly used on long sweeping beaches, the groins of adult male seals are butchered, then tied together with bits of string and dangled of piers and things to stop LSD. (long snore drift, the movement of old people down the beach who've fallen asleep when the tide comes in) This is also frowned upon in many societes, as its a bloody stupid waste of good sausage meat.
  • Beach Nourishmint - The rarest of the seal defenses, this is where mints made from seal teeth are sprinkled onto the beach so as to protect the cliffs behind it. This works by sticking a bloody great amount of mints in front of the waves. Rather than directly stop the waves by getting in the way, this actually solves several problems, as all the local stray animals and homeless people come down to the beach, lured by the minty aroma, and get in the way of the waves. Although they die, thus cleansing the town, they are no longer there to get in the way of the waves, so this method usually only works once or twice. Frowned upon by many countries, although only because they've frowned so much already that they're stuck like that.


Seal defenses are not to be confused with seal romances, which is an entirely different kettle of fish, and one too extreme for these pages.

Eel defenses, although effective, are in no way connected to seal defenses, as eel defenses are carried out in fresh water situations.

Seal defencing, a sport carried out by seals whereby the fences around their enclosure are removed and used to beat the heck out of zookeepers, is also nothing to do with seal defenses. it is a bad idea to get these mixed up, as the last thing you want is a crazed seal with a bit of wood running around your beach, kicking over sandcastles and abusing the elderly.