Slavery

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Slavery.

I DID WHAT!!!

~ Abraham Lincoln on freeing the slaves

The Bible, particularly the Old Testament, condones slavery by failing to condemn the existing practice. It also several times explicitly states that slavery is morally acceptable under certain circumstances ( Leviticus 25:44-46; Exodus 21:7-11 ). The New Testament admonishes slaves to obey their masters ( 1 Peter 2:18; Ephesians 6:5-8; Titus 2:9-10; Colossians 3:22-25; 1 Timothy 6:1 ). The prophets and apostles urged kindness to slaves; however, the Bible states that slave owners may not be punished for beating their slaves, as long as they are not beaten to death ( Exodus 21:20-21 ).

~ Martin Luther King on slavery

Slavery is a method employed by many absurdly rich people to avoid paying high capital-gains taxes. Also called "employment" or "jobs," it involves the concept that other people should do your work for you while you check your stock portfolio, or even better, embark on a cruise to the Cayman Islands, where slavery originated.

The art of subjecting another life to your will in order to avoid tax payments is very simple. First, you obtain a large amount of money; second, you jettison any sense or standard of morality you may currently possess, and third, you head over to your local Slave-Mart and pull out the plastic!

The ownership of slaves is currently illegal in most countries because their governments are jealous of the effectiveness with which practitioners of slavery subjugate their hamsters, gerbils and kitchen utensils, in violation of every hamster, gerbil, and kitchen-utensil-rights covenant in the world. But that doesn´t prevent them from throwing good parties, now does it? No.

Some advantages of slavery[edit]

  • Free work
  • Free exercise
  • Free shackles
  • No elections
  • No unemployment
  • No time to waste watching TV
  • More time for social experiences
  • Real life education
  • The future of today's cotton industry
  • Didn't have to worry about money
  • Smaller communities to help find your babies' daddy

In addition, being enslaved usually spares you from having to read bullet lists.

Just how the heck did this "slavery" thing start, anyway?[edit]

Slavery began when the Jews, who were in Egypt delivering the pyramids along with a shipment of pirated Britney Spears DVD's, insisted on being paid for their work. This mollified them for a time, but soon, the Egyptians realized that the Jews were being paid, and decided to enslave them. After several centuries, Moses emancipated them, saying that someone named "God" wanted them to ( in his words ) "let my people go to the bathroom." The Egyptian Pharaoh, Rammstein III, was compelled to acquiesce to Moses' request, mostly due to his having forgotten to bring his credit card to Wal-Mart that week. Eventually, these slaves became corporate tax attorneys and IBM salesmen.

Slavery in the United States began when the White Man, jealous of the Africans' dancing abilities, decided that in order to keep them from dancing he absolutely must shackle their feet. Slavery became one of the USA's biggest fads of the 18th and 19th centuries, as well as for several weeks in 1952. Once superior dancing abilities was made a criminal offense by the Civil Wrongs and Anti-Dancing Act of 1798, these African "detainees" were generally sentenced to work in cotton fields and listen to right-wing talk radio for several hours each day. The White Man, in order to mollify his strangely messed-up conscience and given his inability to make his own living anyway, gave the slaves pieces of paper that had dollar signs ("$") on them, but were in fact worth nothing. Cuba was upset by a decline in their tomato sales, but the world moved on. Even George Washington himself was thought to have said, "Give me liberty, with everything on it."

Slavery in the US has since long ended, but there is an ongoing debate over whether or not slavery reparations should be paid to me, since I could really some extra money. However, a little-known fact is that the US already has instituted slavery reparations, which are more commonly known as "NBA players' salaries."

The unfortunate truth about slavery[edit]

It has always been in Americans' nature to obtain lots of money despite doing nothing to actually earn it. However, in the new colonies, they worked their asses off, and received almost no money for doing so — indeed, many didn't even receive recompense for their now-missing asses. Within a few short years, the colonists hatched an ingenious and diabolical plan: Make other people work for no money, who "probably" had nothing better to do in the first place, and then claim they were "civilizing" them. The idea became enormously popular, needing only the right victims people to make it a reality.

First, they tried the Indians. This was a dismal failure, because Indians could only do accounting, and the White Man had no accounts to speak of. Then they decided to try Europe. The Irish weren't sober enough to find their way out of their own beds, much less Ireland. The Norwegians were a non-starter; apparently no one ever told the White Man about the Vikings. Next were the French. This group seemed vastly more promising, but when the White Man's agents arrived in France, they found that the entire population had already surrendered and were retreating to Germany.

Finally, in desperation, they turned to Boston, Massachusetts. There, they found the perfect group of people to enslave: liberals. Unfortunately, the liberals lawyers proved too pugnacious in court, preventing the forcible enslavement of their clients. In the end, the White Man was forced to kidnap and transport thousands of Black People to the American colonies, where they quickly became rap stars, wreaking a terrible revenge on the White Man and his entire so-called "culture."

Slavery today[edit]

In modern Western societies, "slavery" is used mostly as a synonym for "marriage." Rumors of old-fashioned "real" slavery, indentured servitude, and other forms of "human traffic" in modern-day America are mostly unfounded, except of course for the IT industry.

Certain individuals, many of whom are of African-American descent, practice a form of enslavement whereby other individuals — mostly women — are compelled to perform often-degrading acts for hire, usually giving them only a small fraction of the financial proceeds from these transactions, barely enough to ensure a bare minimum of subsistence for the enslaved person. Such people are commonly referred to as "corporate executives."

Synonyms[edit]

  • Marriage
  • Freedom
  • Call Centers