Snoopy

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Snoopy.

Him and I used to sit on that roof smoking weed back in high school. Hes a cool guy.

~ Oscar Wilde on Snoopy
Snoopy from his classic film It's Christmas, Charlie Brown!


Snoopy ( born 6 June 666 ) is reigning Hellhound king, of which he was the heir following the death of Beethoven in an car accident, alongside Princess Diana. His prolific rapping career made him infamous, and created a fan base that would later be recruited into his army of confused white suburban boys.

Early Life[edit]

Snoopy was greatly influenced by his early childhood, being raised by a pack of wolves. He would later draw on his childhood for his later career, as a rapper. At a young age, Snoopy was sedated by hallucinogenic drugs and molested sexually by Oscar Wilde . The drugs brought Snoopy to a prolonged hallucinogenic state where he was some sort of pilot during World War I.

Rapping Career[edit]

Snoopy, before inheriting the title of Hellhound King, had a prolific career as a rap artist. After being released from the mental ward because of his drug overdose, he was recruited by Oprah for her new West-Coast label, Death Row Records, in an attempt to extend her reign into the Music Industry. Snoopy's first record, Doggystyle ( 1993 ) spring-boarded him to international fame. Critics hailed him as being "ghetto-fly" and "Teh S***". He used this fame to take control over the mailable tool of teenage slang, and began adding "-izzle" to everything he said, in attempt to make his speech as incomprehensible as possible to white people.

Hellhound king[edit]

The Hellhound king is the leader of all the dogs in the entire universe. The very first Hellhound king was Cerberus. The Hellhound king is responsible for all evil in the world.

Rise to power[edit]

Snoopy, setting his sights higher with his success, decided to join the Crips. Upon entry, he was reportedly forced to swear an Oath of Loyalty, chug thirty gallons of beer in under an hour, attend numerous support group meetings in a diaper, and was beaten mercilessly with a pole for forty-seven straight hours.

With his acceptance into the gang, Snoopy proved an effective and useful member who quickly climbed the ranks. He gained a reputation for backstabbing his friends, however, in order to gain power, and when he attained the rank of Regional Manager of Corporate Affairs, a coup was staged. Snoopy got wind of the incident ahead of time, and struck preemptively. He murdered the leaders of the uprising in cold blood, as well as the leader of the Crips, proclaiming himself leader.

None of this mattered, of course, when it was discovered that his bloodline linked him to the Hellhound King line, making him HRM, Prince Snoopy, and second in line to the thrown, due to a powerful bout of Super AIDS about the royal family. When Beethoven died in a fatal car accident, he became Hellhound King.

Overthrow Attempts[edit]

Despite Snoopy's successes, Clifford the Big Red Dog also claims to be the Hellhound king, citing that he is much more suited to the role visually, and isn't owned by well known bald techno-musician and Christian Charlie Brown. The IRS was recruited by Clifford after numerous attempts to gain the title legally ended with the Supreme Court refusing to hear the case.

The IRS were defeated by Snoopy-aligned forces at The Battle of Hellhound Pass. But the battle demonstrated many weaknesses in Snoopy's defences. It looked as though Snoopy's reign might be in trouble, but Clifford was arrested on unrelated charges. Since, Snoopy's position has been undisputed.