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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Soccer.
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Jesus playing soccer

Soccer Moms[edit]

Soccer moms are an arcane race of immortal beings bent on the elimination of mayonnaise. Driving chariots powered by squirrel oil, these seamless besweatered minivan pushers prowl the streets by night, cruising for extra mozzarella for their sensors.

Soccer moms are in and of themselves harmless. If you crush them, they turn into coal.
~ Carmen Electron on Soccer moms and spontaneous combustion

Proper disposal[edit]

In case of pretense, amplify sweater and shoes, upgrade to large SUV, get a bigger house, quote from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and brandish a rapier. I just had the most peculiar feeling of moving backwards. Oh, I've been drinking again. Never mind.