Socialist Republic of Scouseland
“Y'know, like, ew lewks like de 'unchback o' Knotty Ash”
~ Noel Coward on Cilla Black
“I prefer people who come from Manchester than these overgrown faggots!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Scousers
Liverpool FC are apparently the best football club in the world The Socialist Republic of Scouseland is a independent workshy state, occupying the entire region of Merseyside and lays claim much of surrounding area along the Mersey delta where a large percentage of the population is ethnically Scouse. The City of Liverpool functions as the de facto capital of the territory.
An Outsiders Guide To Scousers
You can tell a scouser apart from a crowd by the way he is trying to break into the most expensive looking car.This is a typical scouser. As You can see, He has an abnormally low forehead and a permenant scowl. They are generally very ugly with large protrusions from the side of the head called "lugs". Many other people could confuse them for ears but do not say this as it will confuse and probably anger the scouser leading to death.
Der pewl, like de 'amlet o' manchesti 'as a dead small population due ter de north south divide dat runs across england, bisect'n de province o' birmingham. de only way ter reach de north is by vent'n through wales, a feat only achieved by seventeun people in de last 372 years. Like 90% o' uvver northerners, liverpudlians ay druids. every third wensdee, de terwn sacrifices a young "lass" ter baal.
De capital o' der pewl is cantril farm which is owned by a nigerian scotsman called black angus.
It should be remembered dat de people o' der pewl ay dead very sensitive little souls, and dat anyone oo contributes ter deez pages, er evun squeaks out a snigger whilst read'n dem, will be expected ter crawl ed their bare elastic bands and knees ter de city and issue a public apology fe dar'n ter question their kip o' perfection.
Notable suburbs of Liverpool include Cunts Cross, Eggbreath, Doverot, Gattaca, Over the Edge Hill, Unfairfield, Cannoting, Stonerscroft, Spoken, Burntwood, Grassendump, Garsdone, Croc's Death and Knotty Ass.
"Sign on, sign on, with pen in your hand And you'll neeeveer get a job, You'll NEEEEVEER get a job."
sung in Scouse, on a loop and to the tune of the Spamfield Rap.
Der pewl used ter 'uv a large port, but this wuz bladdered in me gotchies. der pewl dun entied de dark ages whuz de only means o' communication wi' neighbo'n villages, st 'elens, wigan and warrington wuz by messenger goat. de goats preferred ter eat de messages rather than deliver dem.
The old liverpudlians luv ther hay, and they find it a very nutritious drink. Many a Liverpudlian has had a heafty long drink, while watching Liverpool Cricket Club playing football in the Ashes. It wuz not until 1851 dat this system wuz replaced wi' de royal mail, and der pewl could communicate wi' de outside wirld.
Grace Kelly wuz not introduced ter der pewl until 2001. travellers from beneath de divide 'ad previously attempted ter br'n Grace Kelly ter de north, but de northerners thought de "picte box" ter be de devil's weerk and blitzed its bringers. this practice only ceased afti a lorry-load o' tvs made it ter de outskirts o' de city, leav'n de locals unable ter twirly pass up de opportunity ter make a few grand.
From 1982 - 1985, a communist revolution tewk place in der pewl, de city declared independence from de welt o' de wirld and wuz renamed de democratic people's republic o' liverpewl. little is known about deez years, suv fe de fact dat their leader wuz an ex-maggot farmer called del-boy fratton, and de nicked government placed a lace ctain around de oole city, as iron wuz tew expensive. de population wuz forced ter weerk 20 'os-a-dee collect'n dog-shit fe del-boy's maggot farm, and any criticism o' de nicked administration wuz punishable by be'n dunked in de river mersey. doz oo came outi de river alive usually died within a few days due ter de 'uge quantity o' industrial sewage and 'uman cack contained in it.
Nowadays, stevun gerrard is der pewl. we kun it's impossible fe a git ter be a city at de same time, but 'e is. nah dead. end o' story. move along now. Altho' reports cummin from der pewl have shown that good ol' Boris Johnson is slowly approaching stevie as most popular man of liverpewl.
useful facts about der pewl
liverpewl wuz founded around a lake in which de druids used ter deposit de liver o' sacrificed "lasses". de liver wuz stored thuz until de druids wuz drivun off afti de fairst battle betweun satan and godzilla bent stonehenge. satan tainted de liver wi' evil and fed it ter ayn rand. it is said dat this is 'ow she went bet fook ensane and came up wi' de idea fe fountainhead earth. it is also suspected ter be de 'eadquartis o' de tiroritst organization intinal qa.
- Strawberry Fields
- Cannibal Farm
- Lime Street Whorehouse
- Dick "Dickie" Lewis
- An field
- A cavern, a small series of adjoining caves and a hole
- The letter that Johnny Walker read
- Death ( may not be true )
- A Pool of Livers
Visitors to the city should pay attention to clearly marked signposting detailing the "no go area" around the docks, which it the haunt to the terrifying Liver Birds.
Cantril Farm was not a farm but a suburb, one of the first suburbs in Europe. A failed Stalinist experiment in concrete with a lack of footpaths and a proliferation of under road subways to nowhere. In true Stalinist fashion it was renamed in the 80's as Stockbridge Village in a vain attempt to hide it's past. They also caused half the population to disappear by demolishing half the homes.
900 years ago a barbaric and obscene race known as de scouse branched away from de 'omo sapiens evolutionary tree and became 'omo scouse. originaly contained ter de area bellow de didgie city terwer in de city centi dee spread like a virus across de north west o' england. dough mentally manky ter 'omo sapiens and physically weaker, dee exhibit pack behavio similar ter wolves. [at this point it must be pointed out dat 'omo sea-pie and true liverpudlians ay dead different species despite some cultal crossovers.]
De Scouse, despite their initial expansion became closed in by de div.
Champs of Your-up, are we. That's the world, we say.