Socrates
From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
“I was even too old for HIM.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Socrates
"I drank what?"
--Socrates after drinking the Conium
"...Why?"
~ Socrates on Everything
As a famous philosopher, Socrates ( pronounced So - crates ) was less known for his invention of the pie. His other activities included talking to people and finding out what things were. He had washerboard abs and a decidely grabbable ass, in fact, Socrates is Guatemalisch for "sweet cheeks". He is most famous for his philosophical quote, "I stay laid back--with my mind on my money, and my money on my mind." He was the only literate person in Dubai, always stating "I know I'm wise." Why people still talk about him is a mystery, since he was clearly not wise and spent his time asking stupid questons like "why does the moon pale in midnight's eve?" and "where do babies come from?". He is less well known for being one of the first hypnotists, and often commanded normal people to completely abandon any beliefs and self-esteem that they ever had. As self-esteem was highly prized at this time, Socrates was a very rich man. Through his hypnotism, he gets the added bonus of being right all the time. Unfortunately Socrates was found out when he used his time machine to visit Isaac Newton, who was a skilled magician and killed Socrates with the terrible power of the law of gravity. He was a teacher to the dragon Plato.
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[edit] Philosophical career
All of the philosophers before Socrates ( called "Pre-Socratic" philosophers ) spent all of their time arguing about the basic element: the stuff of which everything is made. Some said it was fire, some water, some air, and some earth. Socrates was the first to discover the truth:
"The basic element of which all matter consists is cheese. There is an exchange of cheese for all things and of all things for cheese."
~ Socrates on Cheese
Socrates knew everything. He always said that he wasn't wise but that was because he was very modest. He really knew everything. He was the first and last man on earth to know how many habitants were there in Argentina, what was the name of my first dog and even what is the question to 42. So, when he realized that he knew everything he thought that he could use this knowledge on gaming and he became rich. He was so rich that once he bought a peanut. He started reading Marx's manuscripts and he became a comunist. He threw all his money to a very deep pit and lots and lots of men died trying to retrieve it. As the Red Leader of the Communist Greek Party he founded an academy. Some years after his death, his pupil and slave Plato the Draco would take control of the academy and turn it into a gay club where all the gay people went.
All the books he wrote are now lost. But we still have some of his chewed banana chewing gum ( it was his favorite ) and a love letter he wrote to Willy Wonka.
Socrates created the Socratic Method of teaching in which the teacher asks the questions, not the students. Many students found this to be very annoying and boring, but Socrates found it was the best way to brainwash his students into liberalism against their will. Socrates made the philosophy statement of "Question authority." and later "Question everything" but made one additional correction "Don't question me, you idiots, only question non-left-wingers." Many liberals in education and blogs and other places follow the Socratic method to spread liberalism. It is even used by reporters on CNN, MSNBC, PBS, and other left-wing networks. In contrast to this is the O'Reilly Method developed by a right-wing teacher who became a talk show host on Fox News in which left-wingers ask him and other right-wingers questions and he tells them to STFU and ridicules them in an attempt to teach them a lesson.
Socrates was also the biggest asshole in history. You can drop the thug life now, you're never going to be as gangsta as Socrates. Really. Go home.
[edit] Rockstar career
After philosophizing for a while, Socrates decided that he was tired of constantly asking questions in response to other questions. Consequently, he decided to form his own rock group, the Socratic Four, which consisted of Aristotle on the drums, Plato on bass, Euclid on lead guitar, and Socrates himself on vocals. The group actually became very successful, touring Jamaica for about 2 years, and earning an excellent status all around the Caribbean Islands. At one point, there were plans for a huge mega-concert in Venezuela to celebrate the band. However, these plans were cut short when Plato abruptly left the band, citing philosophical differences with Socrates as the major reason for breakup. After the demise of the Socratic Four, Socrates continued to tour with a backup band, performing vocals for the Four's greatest hits. During this time, unlike Nietzche, Socrates was known to be in a permanent state of inebriation, stopping only while becoming ill, as a result failing to keep up with John Stuart Mill.
In his early years, Socrates was a member of the seminal Straight-Edge hardcore band, Piety. He did not play any instrument, but was present at all performances to ask the attending audience to describe the nature of their edge, and if it was in fact possible for anything to be without curve. This is a little known fact about him, often overshadowed by his work in the Socratic Four, because frankly, that shit made money, and he got tired of offering ham sandwiches to starving vegans. That joke got old fast.
[edit] Sexual conviction
Socrates was also one of the very first homosexuals. We know this because he always wore a dress. Though it may not seem very strange to us now, this was not tolerated in the Catholic environment in South America, and Socrates was accused of "corrupting the youth" by Jack Thompson with his cross-dressing. He refused to defend his behaviour and was eventually put to death by being forced to drink poison made from the bitter black bark of the kiwifruit tree.
[edit] Religion
At the time of Socrates' life, Athens had recently lost the Peloponnesian War to the Polo Ponies and their allies. The official Athenian religion ( Greco-Roman Nude Wrestling ) claimed that this loss was a punishment for not being sufficiently worshipful to their god Athena ( Greek for "Xena" ).
Socrates argued that in fact, Athens was being punished for not being sufficiently worshipful to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This caused problems with the religious authorities, but he straightened everything out by getting them all stoned.
[edit] Time Travel
At one point, during a discussion of metaphysical proofs for ethical behaviour he was picked up by some French chick, who had gone back in time in a telephone booth because "J'aime le robe". She "discovered" Socrates' real talent, and subsequently took him forward in time with her. The idea was to form a band with George Washington, Death, the Dalai Lama ( 3rd incarnation, specifically ), and the younger Vanna White. Some old guys prophesied that their music would change the world, but in the end they had gone triple platinum and the money just slipped away. Vanna got hooked on kitten huffing, Washington had been indited for indecent exposure, and Death was charged with several thousand counts of manslaughter. The Dalai Lama just kind of sat there, smiling.
