|Motto: "We've got five warlords, four neighbors, three governments, two epidemics of infectious disease and one people."|
|Population||Somalians - 2
Dead Somalians - Irrelevant
Policemen - 10000|- style="vertical-align: top;"
|Area||2 sq kilometres|
|Form of Government||*Derisive laughter*|
|Current Massa||Mr T.|
“Want to hear a joke? Somalian government”
“I'd like Somalia-That!”
~ Super Mario on Ordering Ice Cream
Gifted by nature with its most prized gift: "Islam", this empire has experienced a long and prosperous period. This has lead the friendly United States Marines to come and visit this peaceful country, especially for hunting expeditions ( which is probably why they brought along their M16 Rifles ). Because of the secretive nature of its political leadership, we have no knowledge of the history, geography or any other field that might interest you. We are still awaiting four of our news operators to return with more information... parts of them have already been FedEx 'ed to us, so be sure to check back for updates.
However, well-trained Somalian police have been doing excellently to maintain order in such a peaceful country. Crime has gone down by a massive 0.6% in the last year. Over one million crimes were reported last year and only just under one million have been reported this year. Somalian police have been given appreciation all over by the people they serve by having rocks and broken bottles lined with poison thrown at them on sight.
- 1 Somalians
- 2 The Somalian Language
- 3 Somalian Beliefs
- 4 History
- 5 Humaniterian Aid
Natives of Somalia
Somalians are widely known for their triangular heads, quick speaking and their appearances on crimewatch. Somalians that are native to Somalia descended from lost apes from Indonesia 1.154 centuries ago. The apes flew to Somalia by boat and have settled there from then on due to its fertile lands. The apes then evolved into Somalians which are still yet to evolve again. Somalians are great food producers, as much of the world's foods are imported from Somalia. Somalia finds great trade in this and makes a hefty hay penny per annum. Somalians laugh in the face of Ethiopians as they suffer from nothing while for centuries Somalians have been evasive of these horrible but prestigious disasters.
Since the evolution of Somalians from Indonesian apes, Somalians have found great use in swimming. They have swum to many countries. England is one of those countries lucky enough to get a visit from these delightful people. Somalians that live outside of Somalia are savage creatures that hunt in packs, and one is lucky to escape an encounter of "beefing up" a Somalian pack, as they stick together like glue. Somalian packs are often called "gangs". An excellent place to look out for these gangs is in Hayes, England. This is a religious place for Somalians. Many Somalians may choose to go to Southall to start fights with their Asian rival packs. This ritual is practised quite a lot to honour their religious place ( Hayes ) as much publicity is brought to Hayes and Southall when it comes to crime. The Somalians often pride themselves in this and do their best to keep it up.
Gangs often consist of young Somalians, called "gangsters" or now more commonly known as "gansgtas" Or "gangistars". These youths will often hunt for Asians to capture. After capturing these Asians they will usually pull something out of the stunned Asian's intestines and then feast upon it. If such fun is not found, Somalians will usually amuse themselves with aggressive behaviour within the gang and associate it to everyday life. For example, instead of saying:
"Quickly, we must catch this bus if one is to reach his destination on time"
They will say:
"Last one on the bus gets rushed"
This behaviour is usually uncontrollable and is considered a must have if you wish to be a Somalian. Somalians offer conversions from one nationality to theirs by beating the living daylights out of someone and then welcoming them to the group. Your name will then have to be replaced with "Muhammad", "Abdul" or "Akhmed", depending on how severely beaten you were.However, if on the off chance they beated you worse than can be seen above you must contact injury lawyers for you. They will do their best to help you to get full compensaion. This will have no affect on the Somalians.They haven't got the money lying around so they won't pay up. In closing, you're screwed.
Leaders of Somalians
It is not known who the true leader, known as the "massa", of the Somalians is. However Mr T. is not a foo' and has been drinking his milk; he has been made temporary massa until the Somalian God of Kings actually cums after masturbation. The one of which the cumshot will land on will be appointed as the next massa. The massa of Somalenglishians ( Somalians that reside in England ) is a young man that isn't Somalian at all. His name is Gomar Packson.
The Somalian Language
Somalian was derived from Latin 6.4 billion years ago when the world began. Somalian is mainly spoken in Somalia. Somalians are always those people of whom you do not really want to stand in front of when they speak, as you may shortly find yourself swimming in saliva. Not long after you will have a bunch of thirsty Somalians trying to drink that saliva off you, so watch out. Although it seems rather primitive, Somalian does actually qualify as a language under the Modern Languages act. Barely. To speak proper Somalian, one must speak rather quickly with a slimy, ill and aggressive tone towards the other person. Somalians even speak this way to their mothers, as they know that their mouths will not be washed out with soap; they never wash. Here are a few helpful phrases to help you when visiting Somalia. As there are no correct direct translations, we will tell you the direct translation also:
"Hello" - Agh blakh rach - What do you want?
"Good-bye" - Ragh Broig Mak - Piss off
"Have a bath" - Egh blakh ni ni - Go and roll in your father's excretion
"How are you?" - Reth blakh murak - What crap antics that I don't really care about have you been up to lately?
"I love you" - Eurgh blerrr - You whore
"My, I admire your fashionable running shoes" - Egh blergh agh muragha trleurgh - Give me those shoes before I stab you
There is no such thing as "please" or "thank-you" in Somalian, as this will disgrace the God of Impoliteness.
France, Angola and Tasmania also use this abrupt language, Somalian. However, England is the country where Somalian is mostly spoken. To survive in Hayes, you must be able to say "hello", "goodbye" and be able to start a fight all by yourself. To help you survive, my friend and I have compiled an English Somalian phrase book even with some Basic Somalian phrases as a bonus ( 2 pages long, see in WHSmiths for details ). To be completely Somalian, don't buy it, steal it. Here are a few phrases that can get you about, and how they are pronounced:
"Hello" - Sup blad - Sup blad
"Good-bye" - Sfe, l8rz mnzzz - Safe, lay-terz manz
"Are you threatening me, my kind gentleman?" - YOU'Z GOT BEEEEEF - Youz gort beef
"I dislike you" - I'z gawn knife you - I'z gorn knife yoo
You are now fluent in Somalian. Remember to say these words very quickly, and you will not stand out even if you are white and do not take drugs. You may be wondering why you only need these 4 phrases? Well, it's all it takes as they just live to cause "beef". Nothing else.
Somalians are all followers of the religion, "beef". This is the belief in always starting a physical fight or a verbal fight. Some Somalians may choose to psychologically fight, but this is rare. If one does not abide by this very strict code, the God of Wankers shall come down and remove the dishonourable person from the planet and be put into the "Room of Wankers". From there the Somalian is trialled. If he is guilty he will be stripped of clothes and forced to work hard and become food for hungry huskey dogs in Siberia. If not guilty, the Somalians are apologised to by the Gods by being given a pile of shit to treasure always.
The AK-47 is the primary God of Somalia, but some other people allege that there are other Gods, including those below.
In Somalia, there is a God for every imaginable thing. This excludes politeness, bathing and turnips. The Goddess of Gods, the mother to all Gods, is called the "Goddess of Bastards" as there is no real father to the Gods. Sacrifices may be made to the Goddess of Bastards. The most common sacrifice is policemen. The Goddess of Bastards enjoys a little taste of authority, the Somalians believe. Another great thing to sacrifice is one's testicle. Its juicy insides go delightfully with the policemen. If one does not have a testicle ( hopefully female humans with the exception of Tina Turner and Pink ), then ovaries work just as well. When the Goddess of Bastards is pleased, she will drop her menstrual blood from the sky. If displeased, the Goddess of Bastards will drop baths from the sky; a Somalian's worst nightmare.
Rituals And Ceremonies
Somalians do not marry. Somalians live to have sexual intercourse with anyone they find to continue their race. This is why there are so many. Somalians do not die. They simply lose consciousness, lose any sign of a pulse and are left there to rot. Therefore, there are no such things as funerals. Somalians are never born. They are simply pulled out of the auntie's womb through the vagina as a small creature and given a name. From there on they are forgotten about and are left to fend for themselves in the Somalian wilderness. Somalians do have one day of the year, however, where they do actually celebrate something. It is called the "Annual Dick-slapping Contest" to fight in honour of the God of Willies. Much blood, and even semen, is shed in these vigorous battles. The winner is given a grand prize of a plastic breast and a rice grain. 7 and a half Somalians each year take part in this contest of strength, will power and penile aggression.
Somalians never really give a flying toss about where they go or end up. They swim wherever they want, despite always being rejected and kicked out of each country. However, many Somalians flock to Hayes, England to live their dream lives by living in a shithole. Tony Blair doesn't really mind who he lets in, as long as he has many different ethnic backgrounds to masturbate over rather than just his English wife or his son Leo. Hayes is believed to be filled with ancient Somalian treasure and is an important ritual to move to. It brings them a step closer to fights with Asian rivals in Southall. This is imperative if one wants to be a true Somalian.
The Jedi Era
The Jedi Era ( 700BC-100AD ) was the first recorded scripture of the beginning of Somalia. This era was an excellent era for religion. The main religion of the time was Jedi, hence why it was called The Jedi Era. However, many conflicts grew out of this era. The biggest conflicts were when the Somalian Rebellion fought against the Fark Side. The leader of the Fark Side was Darth Gayder. Darth Gayder was an evil man who brought Friends off the air and constructed an evil construction to lead to control of the Somalian Trade Federation. This evil construction was called the Breath Star.
Everyone in The Jedi Era had a lightsaber. These amazing laser-like swords were used to combat for the sake of the side you were fighting for, for executions and for pub brawls. These lightsabers were used in many famous battles, including the extreme fight between Puke Skyforker ( more on him later ) and Darth Gayder. Somalians would all travel by spaceships or speeders. Everyone but some unlucky sods owned one. They were like the car of today. Somalians loved to drink in cantinas, get pissed and shag some sun dancers that would dance in the cantinas to entertain guests.
As said, the main belief of the time was Jedi. Jedi believed in The Force and made pathetic 'wise' comments to help young ones to feel better about their religion, such as, "you will become one with The Force if you lose this battle". The Force gave great power to Jedi. Jedi would be able to jump 100 feet high. This was when "free-running" was invented. The French bastards at Parkour just wanted all of the fame. Back to the subject, Somalians could also do as many flips as gymnasts of today dream of. They would also be given the power to push things without touching them, which is definitely one thing that we never were able to do in our day.
There were many heroes of the time of whom brought freedom to the people of Somalia. Here are a few to commemorate:
- Qui-Gon Chin - trained Obi-Wan Shinobi but fell at the hands of Darth Paul - a useless man
- Obi-Wan Shinobi - defeated Darth Paul and General Peevous but killed by Darth Gayder
- Puke Skyforker - killed Darth Gayder ( kind of ) and the luck git didn't die
- Layer Skyforker ( Princess Layer ) - Queen at one point and kissed her own brother (ewww)
- Frank - wiped out all of the Jawas
- Queen Armadillo - Queen of Noboo
- Makes Windu - Jedi that didn't really do much, but he was the first black Jedi and was important
- Michael Jackson - "trained" the kids in the Jedi Academy
- Yodaleheehoo - little green man that was one of the greatest Jedi Masters
However many heroes there were in Somalia in The Jedi Era, there were also some bad guys that always wanted to fuck up Somalia. These people were twisted to the Fark Side by seduction and the promise of having a one night stand with the Emperor. These people include:
- The Emperor - the evil guy who started off this whole mess
- Darth Gayder - created the Breath Star and killed Obi-Wan Shinobi and many innocent people
- Darth Paul - raped Layer and killed Qui-Gon Chin
- Abdul Kadir Nuur - A vicious monster set out to bunny hump all that moves, also known as Black & Decker. He patrols the mountains of Ethiopia in a desperate search for sexy and innocent Melles Zenawi.
- General Peevous - the inventor of heavy smoking and commander of hobots and noids
- Sand-people - thought to have been lost Ethiopians, these savages tried to kill anyone they saw. Main group involved in the Black Hawk Down incident.
- Darth Hidious - didn't really do much
- Anakin Skyforker - twisted to the Fark Side after Darth Hidious promised to play with his willy and turned into Darth Gayder
- George Bush - served drinks at the evil base's pub
The most favoured place in Somalia at the time was Noboo, a beautiful and delightful place in the Indian Ocean off the east coast of Somalia. There were many Queens of this place. The most famous of these queens was Queen Latifah for bringing music to Somalia and bringing "diets" into the world, even whilst not trying what she invented herself, as you do. Queen Latifah still lives today at the ripe age of 2746 years, 7 months, 9 days, 4 hours, 20 minutes, 56 seconds and 76 nanoseconds. She was thrown off of the throne which brought the end to The Jedi Era in 100AD after she burned Jesus on a square. However, as the years went on, Somalia began to change and Noboo was engulfed by the Indian Ocean. Forget Atlantis, there was no such place. Noboo is the real place of which scientists ponder upon today.
The Blob Era
The shortest of the eras, lasting for a day ( 52nd January 100AD ), The Blob Era was a very confusing era. Not much is known about it, apart from the fact that large yellow blobs over-ran the Somalian throne a day after Queen Latifah was thrown off of the throne. The yellow blobs engulfed many Somalians, apart from Sadam and Peeve, who managed to continue the Somalian race by killing the yellow blobs. They worked hard all night in the bedroom... making test tube babies to continue the Somalian race before they became extinct. Nothing about religion or culture in this period is known.
The Pansy Era
The longest of eras ( 100AD - 1800AD ), this was when Sadam and Peeve brought back the Somalian race by reproduction. Because their children had to reproduce with eachother, the outcome was horrific. Despite the challenges here, the Somalians managed to build up a decent society. This was probably the best era in Somalian history, as Somalians were at their best looking and smartest. However, this great period came to an end when a meteorite hit Somalia. It landed on Arnold Schwarzenegger's head. Arnie then turned to terminate all mankind in Somalia, and did so successfully and settled down with a cup of tea just in time to catch Blind Date on the television later on. The world was finally happy.
Entertainment in this era flourished, especially as the "yes and no" game was introduced. This mind bending game was played all over the nation and one could not resist. There was a large-scale tournament for it in 545.7AD when Hom Marris won the title over favourite for the title and singing sensation, Usher. All they had to ask Usher was what his favourite recording was. Hom Marris is still remembered today with a decapitated statue that has been erected in Hayes. His spirit still lives on in an anonymous young swimmer.
There was no such thing as belief in this time, as everyone was obsessed with the yes and no game. However, people did start to believe in luck, as it was used as an excuse to hide jealousy if someone beat you in the game. Somalians brought all of these pathetic superstitions, that we hear today, into the world. For example, "step on a crack, break your mother's back".
The Beef Era
Beef is the greatest, he lives in Zooport, hes an idiot. This era began 1.154 centuries ago when apes from Indonesia came to inhabit the uninhabited land of Somalia after the Great Termination, caused by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Somalia is still in this era. If you would like information on this era, then you are looking in the wrong place. But it doesn't mean you look it up somewhere else; it's on this page. Look up to chapter 1, tosser.
The Enlightenment Era
Hasn't occurred yet. However, psychohistorians estimate that in about 500 years, there is a 15% chance of Somalia becoming the first nation to adopt a wikocratic government, when Somalia will be named The New People's Wikocratic Republic of Somalia.
We tried to help them but they spat it back out
Somalia: A Brief Critical History
Somalia better known as Greater Ethiopia does not actually exist. The fake country is an imagination brought to light by a Khat chewing Mexican who migrated to the small town of Bayanhongor, Mongolia. However, Greater Ethiopia's president Prime Minister Meles 'Starvin Marvin' Zenawi freed the Mongol slaves and named them Soma's after his former prison inmate; Soma Lia. The Khat chewing Mexican expanded that name by adding the latter part of his new found country's name and later establishing the complete name of Somalia. However, Zenawi's inmate who is also the lover of Oscar Wilde and the Earl of Kent felt that Zenawi's righteous and liberating mannerism should not go unnoticed and migrated to Hayes, Somalia.