What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
South Africa -- also known as Afrika du Suid or Saaaf Effrika -- is a country located at the southern-most part of the butt-hole continent of the world - more commonly called Africa. It is home to many of the world's greatest Idiots, namely Pieter-Dirk Uys, and Charlize "There-on" Theron - who hates all females. Known mostly for its effective social classes and torture methods, in recent years South Afrika has become the fore-runner of 'hope' in Afreeka. But on the inside the country is rotting away, not showing the world what is truly happening within the boundries of the land. Most people are forced to build homes out of bin bags and cardboard since the white people can't be bothered to provide brick for the black people
Until 1994 South Africa was ruled by pyromaniac bigots ( Apartists ). They had no respect for human rights, but more egregiously, they had no fashion sense. They wore grey shoes and safari suits. For these and other crimes such as bad comb-overs, they were overthrown in 1994. In 1990, Nelson Mandela escaped from captivity and rose to Presidency in 1994. Unfortunately, remnants of The "Old" South Africa remain today. With the "Apartists" dispersing and forming minor communities around the country. They raise their young behind ten-foot electrified fences and packs of Dobermans on a staple of charred meat and stay true to their old misguided teachings. In the mean-time, Ryan Boytana aka Nelson Mandela, is on the verge of death, watching everything he worked so hard to build up - like biltong - slowly break apart. While other African countries suffer from endemic corruption, this is thankfully not the case in South Africa. The government, in its all-seeing wisdom, has avoided the fate of other banana republics and simply legalised graft and corruption. It has even given legalised theft and corruption a respectable-sounding name: Black Economic Empowerment or BEE. This is supposedly there to give all black people a leg up, except it benefits only the already obscenely rich. The three beneficiaries of BEE thus far - Japan Fornicatewale, Patrice Motsepe and Smuts Ngonyama - are all far richer than Bill Gates and John Paul Getty combined, in spite of having no obvious skills or inputs to make to the companies in which they are forced shareholders. But like anyone can admit, Dreadlocks and funny accents do make businesses run smoother!
If you are, say, Microsoft, and have the gall to want to open a small branch office in South Africa, you are forced to hand over 99.8% of your business to a black partner, in return for the pleasure of his immense wit, charm and company, but little else. This individual will not add one jot of value to your business, but you will have to give him most of your business, pay him twenty billion dollars per annum in salary, and still have to do all the work yourself because Mr Fatso BEE Beneficiary is too busy picking out his next Maybach and anyway he does not possess any intelligence or marketable skill, other than his levels of pigmentation. If you are spoilsport and do not want to participate in BEE, the government will a) refuse to do business with you b) take your business anyway and c) shoot you.
Government officials appear in court on a regular basis, for a variety of crimes, mainly for the crime of being extremely stupid. Of course, this does not stop the masses ( read: people who vote for the ANC after being given a plate of cheap food by the ANC ) from blindly throwing their support behind them - and re-electing them every election.
The [Number|four]] provinces of South Africa before the revolution were:
- The Cape and Frilly Shirt province
- The Orange Juice for Free but only if you're White State
The Ten provinces of South Africa since the revolution are:
- The Western Cape and Walking Stick province
- The Northern Cape and Top Hat province
- The Eastern Cape and Dagger province
- Jobergarangatanga aka Gauteng Province ( GP ) also known as Gangsters Paradise
- The Free-from-culture state
Transport in South Africa, contrary to popular belief, does not involve wild animals. When wild animals do appear in the streets ( which used to be a common occurance ) - most motorists play "let's see if they're smart enough to get out the road before I hit them with my large vehicle" - a game which has resulted in the near-extinction of the Purple Elephant - a smaller version of the elephant that is about the size of a Fiat Uno, it gets its name from the colour of its intestines, which often lay splattered on the streets.
The masses ( read: stupid assholes ) like to journey in vehicles called mobile coffins or taxis. Scientists are baffled by the fact that, although their theoretical maximum load is around 9 people, the media often reports that 23 people were killed when a taxi overturned, 15 were injured, and the remaining 38 passengers were unhurt.
Upon further investigation, the origins of these vehicles are traced back to ancient methods of 'culling' the human population, where in the tribal days, many villagers were placed into the belly of an elephant ( through the rectum ) and effectively pushed over a cliff. To meet this need in the modern day and age, the Toyota motor vehicle corporation has developed and marketed a suitable replacement to aid the process of culling. The Toyota HI-ACE ( High Impact African Culling Equipment ) has proved most suitable for this purpose and as a result is in wide use in South Africa and neighbouring countries.
In recent months, the cost of owning a vehicle has become so high, that the masses ( read: hijackers ) find it a lot easier to simply take someone else's. Due to the idiots ( read: Americans - George Bush in particular ) starting a pseudo-valid war for oil, these costs have been multiplied exponentially, and so hunting down a wildebeest and taming it, has become the preferred mode of transport.
Mercedes ML320 SUV's are affectionately known as Yengenis, after a corrupt politician ( which is of course a tautology in Africa ). They are much beloved of incompetent, nouveau-rich blacks who for no reason other than their skin colour get appointed as directors of companies, given a corner office and a secretary, but then told to shut up and not to sabotage the companies' operations by actually attempting to participate.
The most recent addition to the transport crisis in South Africa is that of the eNatis traffic and licensing system. Originally eNatis was thought to stand for "Electronic NAtional Trafic Information System". After the "successful" implementation of this system in Johannesburg and surrounding areas, the acronym has been changed to "Eish, Not Available Today, I'm Sorry". As a result of this "buying" vehicle licenses has not only become the preferred but now the only way to avoid traffic fines. Naturally the problem with this system has nothing to do with the government, only the largely government owned and controlled affiliate institutions ( such as Telkom ). eNatis was produced by a Black Economic Empowerment IT consortium at a cost of approximately fifteen billion rand, which - when revealed - caused great outrage amongst the ( more than 3,000 ) tax payers in the country, as this sum exceeds the salary of the minister of transport, Mr. Jeffrey Thumsucka Radebe, by more than 50%.
The government has recently decided to rename everything in South Africa to more politically correct names, here are some of the proposals.
Nigger Ave = Zuma Ave
Black Drive = Zuma Drive
Table Mountain = Jacob Mountain
South Africa = Zumastan
Heinz Wanker = Faggy
Nelson Mandela = Jacob Zuma
Telkom = Zumacom
AIDS = Zuma
HIV = Manto
Elephant = Thabo
It has also been suggested that the Johannesburg Hospital should be renamed to the Manto Tshabalala-Msimang Pub & Grill.
The Principle of safety is not really applicable to South Africa. However, it is expressed by the intelligent few, that at least 'protection' should be worn, especially during intercourse ( anal or otherwise ). However, as Demonstrated by the Mentally Deficient Twat ( formerly known as Jacob Zuma, the head of the AIDS committee in South Africa ), a condom is not needed at all, for three simple reasons:
- All you need is a shower.
- To cure AIDS, all you need is one ( 1 ) Virgin, preferably 13 ( 13 ) years old, one potato; proceed to unmercifully ram her, the blood means it's working!... Then eat the potato.
- Men are less likely to get the disease ( sorry ladies ).
- HIV does not lead to AIDS anyway, it's a western theory made up to steal our African gold.
- A salad made of the following: African Potato, African Spinach, African Lettuce, African Garlic, African Seaweed and some sand.
Of course, South Africa having the highest number of AIDS sufferers is completely unrelated.
And as Zuma allegedly once said:
- Avoid rape, say yes!!!
Safety in other aspects ( such as "keeping safe" ) is generally ignored. Upon entering the country, most resign themselves to the fact that they will more than likely die.
South Africa is largely inhabited by human beings. These human beings range from being "Fucking stupid" to "Stupid" to "Robert Mugabe", with a very select few white folk being "Intelligent". With 143 official languages ( with each sub-culture adding their own spin ) the people cannot communicate at all. Most of the population are 'black' - though their pigmentation is clearly 'brown', and the minority are 'white', though they look 'pink' ( except for the british who have no idea what the sun is, in which case they are white, until they discover that the sun makes one 'red' ).
It is indeed the rainbow nation, seeing as half the country is either black or white. The ratio of males to females is 1:12, meaning that some females won't be getting any. Mostly the grossly obese women. With STDs. Oh, by the way, there are a lot of Grues in South Africa.
Also known as "Fucking Retards" or "Saatmouthfaces". Cagalags have been bred in S.A. for the past 100 years after columbian drug dealers realised that a cross between the British, Mexicans, Polish and various apes would result in the ultimate tik ( methamphetamine ) addict. After successly breeding just 2 the population exploded and within 4 weeks they had grown to a million strong. Ever since then cagalags have kept the international drug trade afloat. They are also known for extreme stupidity, animal behaviour, rampant humping and constantly using mxit these are the most undesirable things known to man ( bar americans )
South Africa beat England ( and Australia and New Zealand ) in a war over gold once upon a time. Most South Africans have forgotten all of this boring history, unlike "the English". To this day British people dislike South Africans, making bad jokes and doing bad accents (which, contrary to popular belief, are not funny).
There were many wars in the past, and even today, wars rage on. The Anglo-Boer war between the British and the Boers lasted a number of years, before the Zulus got involved and cocked everything up ( the effects of which are still seen today ). The Brits decided around the 1960's to give the country to those in charge, which was the wrong thing to do. Due to that monumental stuff- up, South Africa now receives PC games, Movies, and pretty much everything else, way way way after the rest of the world, thanks guys ( read: assmasters ). However, that is not to say that the wars have ended completely, as it is still common to see Zulu youths roaming the country hanging white men yelling "Kill Whitey!", while... Oh wait, that's modern South Africa.
The British like to recall previous victories over the locals of South Africa, mainly due to their small penises. The average British penis is around 3in ( 7,5cm ) when erect, and this gives them a complex, especially when compared to the average native South African penis, which is around 9in ( 22,5cm ) when erect, effectively dwarfing the British penis. South Africa may have lost the war, but their penises are huge. Afrikaner penises are known as Frikkie or Van, drive double cab bakkies, drink klippies and KOUK and are permanently limp.
As mentioned above, there are 143 official languages in South Africa. There are, however, more than 400 ways to describe anguish, defeat, humiliation, etc. however, there are some 'good' words, as follows:
"Bina" - a common term used to describe a fool or someone of very pale skin tone ( albina ).
"Eish" - an expression of shock/disappointment/surprise/happiness/sadness/anything really
"Shaap" - signifies "okay" or "good"
"Lekker" - more commonly known as "good"
"Umnqundu wengamla" - white person
"Chuck Norris" - Chuck transcends all languages
Although everyone is free to speak their own language, it is common to find that one moves over that border, and attempts to speak a language unfamiliar to them (n ote that this is only common in the "whities" languages ). You will often find an 'Afrikaans' speaking person, attempting to speak English. This results in effective failure to communicate. For example:
- English: "Will you please help me remove these Levis ( Lee-vie ) jeans"
- Failed attempt: "Can you like to please help me to remove this Levis ( Lee-Vis ) jean pant"
an effective reply to the above would be "Eish".
A common practice amongst the "darkies" when it comes to language, is to shout out what you are trying to say, irrespective of how close someone is standing next to you. Be as loud as you can be, even if the person you are talking to is standing right next to you. It is also common for them [the darkies] to break into tribal dance and singing at any given point, this is referred to as "thoi-thoi-ing", an act that celebrates the 'ancestral origins' ( read: evolving - not much - from apes ). If a sheep is nearby, expect a tribal sacrifice to aforementioned ancestors, along with more singing/dancing/unnecessary shouting/boobies.
South Africa has many official languages in use but there are certain languages NOT official to South Africa. It is a myth that SA has 11 official languages. Scientific studies have shown that there's actually 11,000 of them. These include:
- Chinese ( although mandarins are a fruit cultivated in South Africa )
- Apartheid ( banned in 2010, after communication with the president was achieved and South Africa lost the first round of FIFA )
- Communism ( we had Chairman Sir W.H. III Gates )
- Martial Law
- Pty ( ltd )
- Rugby *
- Football ( Also known as soccer, but this is debated )
- Eish ( Commonly thought to be a language but this was proved wrong when people found out that even the uneducated president spoke it )
- Compulsory Hockey Matches
- * - Rugby is not a South African official language. It was abolished after people realised that the sport is just a bunch of stupid fat low-IQ afrikaans-speaking beer-drinking hoity-toity illiterates chasing an egg over perfectly good grass that someone took the time to maintain. But the dark idiots want a piece of the pie too..cause WE DEMAND it
The national sport is corruption which is practised by all black people. The current leaders in this exciting sport are:
- Manto Tshabalala-Msimang
- Jacob Zuma
- Thabo Mbeki
- Every other black person
Our second sport is Taxi Racing, there are many events including drive-bys, drag racing, Burnout 3: Takedown, stop and go and taxi surfing. All footage is played in slo-mo due to the fact that speeds are often in excess of the speed of light. The last time there was an accident they could only find the drivers atoms and the wrench used to steer. All events are sponsored by eNatis.
The third national sport is rape which is practised by 90% of the population
We also occasionally play Rugby just to show the English they suck at sport.
Two of the most popular cultural pursuits in South Africa include the murder of disenfranchised white farmers and starvation ( the two commonly going together ). So, if you happen to hail from the United States, you can celebrate South Africa's rich culture by killing a farmer and refusing to donate to charities!
Recently, celebrities have begun a new tradition contradictory to the culture of South Africa. Recently Oprah opened a girls' leadership school in the insanely rish suburb of Henly-On-Klip, in between Jo'Burg and Vereneening-Verening-Veereening-Ver- forget it. In a photo op wth several poor black girls and a token whitey, Oprah said that many of the girls have suffered rape and other horrors, and lucky for them, Jacob Zuma only lives a few hours away and will be sure ot visit for some "surprise sex".
Brad Pitt has also helped the Seffrican economy by buying a mansion in Pringle Bay, Western Cape. No actual South Africans live in Pringle Bay anymore. They can't afford to.
The currency used in South Africa is called the "Rand" or the ZA$ ( a.k.a buntu slaves ). This currency, like all colourful currency with pictures of animals on it, is basically worthless, and doesn't really mean anything anyway as South Africa has a "Shared Income" policy - meaning that all money, and items purchased with said money, are all freely available to be taken by anyone at any time - with permission or without.
South Africa does, however, contribute some exports and imports. Some of these are brilliantly intelligent, such as exporting gold, and importing jewellery at three times the cost. Some of the main exports and culture incalude:
- Maize ( Mealie - small meals )
- Blood Diamond
- Nude 320*180 pictures of Charlize Theron
- That dude from "The Mummy"
- Oprah Winfrey**
- Jerry Springer**
- Simon Cowell**
- Australian tourism advertisement**
- The above mentioned are exclusive to DSTV***
- DSTV - Dark shit televised violence
- The above mentioned are exclusive to DSTV***
- Steve Hofmeyer
- Kurt Darren
- Heinz ( Wrinkles ) Wanker
- Minibus taxi with bumper stickers saying "Taxi ASS"
- Black People
- Manure a.k.a Snoop Dogg
- ( Il ) Legal ivory and lion skins
- Homemade sausages
- Homemade House
- Homemade Money
- Homemade children
- Homemade wire car toy
- BMW ( the 2.5 Series and 4.5 Series - All made of wire, BMW-SA has agreed to take off 0.5 Series in each case. )
- 50 cents ( Mid-Rand )
- Things whut are not working
- Unseeklopedia she's not working also!
- J.R.R Tolkien
- Mike Schutte
- Mark Shuttleworth - Not worth his shuttle
- AIDS ( AIDS Is Dark Shit )
- C.R.I.M.E. (cats rape innocent mouse eaters )
- S.W.A.T. ( South West African Tribe )
- African garlic
- African Potatoes ( a.k.a Manto Shabalala Msimang - our Health Minister who got a liver transplant - SERIOUSLY!!! )
- Promotional-use condoms with instructions stapled.
- AIDS can be cured if sleeping with a virgin****
- Seriously, this is in the Life Science Textbook Grade 11
- Marilyn Manson ( no, really )
- Unemployed Immigrants
- Chip-on-their-shoulder ANC speeches
- HIV infected heart transplants
- People who say, "Jou ma se poes" and "Jou twee pas"
- Nice apples
- Illiterisee end ( as opposed to beginning ) cheep engrisH
- Boers ( white rural farmers ) ( for our white rural farming community, "Wit verdommerde boers" )
- JSE ( Johannesburg shit exchange )
- Indian Maths Teachers
- other redhead maths teachers suffering from Parkinsons
- Sunglasses for maths teachers
- black plastic bags on side of roads
- Coin Gates ( Bill Gates' Husband )
- Security Workers ( guards )
- Transparent wall technician ( US = window cleaner )
- Home executive officer ( US = Maid )
- Political Correctness ( i.e. "yo mamma's so fat" --> "your home executive is so substantial..." )
- Mbeki or No Mbeki ( US = Deal or No Deal )
- Mbeki or No Mbeki ( US = Promises or No Promises )
- Mbeki - "Sorry, but Crime is currently out of stock"
- Mbeki - "Sorry, but mielie-pap is also out of stock. Please try again later."
- Extremely fast internet - define fast! ( 56 kb per MINUTE )
- Cheap internet prices - define cheap! ( R2000 per month )
Death and Crime
The crime rate is very low. In fact, non-existent, because the cops are not allowed to publish crime statistics that have not been reviewed by the government first. Because the government and cops are largely populated from the criminal class, crime stats are manipulated before publishing so as to make the populace think crime is not a problem. We are therefore happy to announce that South Africa has a negative crime rate. The crooks are in fact going around knocking on doors and returning stolen valuables to people who've previously been burgled.
Of course, a number of "non-crime-related" actions have occurred on numerous instances. Coming to South Africa, expect one of the following "non-criminal-acts" to happen to you:
- Carjacking: Carpooling
- Rape: Surprise sex
- Burglary: Taking that which is standing there - be it in a shop or your home, if it's not nailed down, it's mine
- Armed Robbery: I have a gun, you don't, your stuff is mine.
- Stupidity: Any interaction with a government official.
- Taxi Violence: They own the roads, they're dead already, they have no fear.
- Death: You have died.
- TV: Takalani Sesami.
- Native Control: The average Roughneck White settler, a bottle of scotch, his trusty Sawn-off, and the occasional dancing, screaming native that comes within range is a form of Native control.
AIDS does not exist. AIDS is a conspiracy by foreign pharmaceutical companies and white people against blacks. We know this because our Fearless Leader has read this on the Internet. He also thinks that the Yanks are hiding something in Area 51 and that Elvis is hiding out in Boksburg.
Every second week of November is I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day, a day when the hopeless and suffering celebrate by crucifying an infected muppet, preferably Kami. the chairman of the event is Robert Mugabe.
You can get AIDS, if it existed, in the following ways:
- Sharing a fag with someone with AIDS
- Blood transfusion
- Breathing the unclean air
- Looking at someone with AIDS
- Touching someone with AIDS
- From a toilet seat ( if the person before you hasn't gotten off yet )
- Sharing food with someone with AIDS
- Going into any Department of Home Affairs office building ( rumoured to be where aids first mutated into an airborne virus, if it was to be considered a virus )
If AIDS is ever discovered, Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, a grossly-obese former witchdoctor who ate the previous minister of health, will tell you it can be cured by eating garlic, African Potato and a Big Mac. Her views on vampires are unknown. of course, the best way to cure AIDS is by finding a prepubescent virgin and raping her without letting her know mercy. ( see:Mongolia )
How its like to live in South Africa
The worst place ever next to zimbabwe. Every time you walk out of your home, you get robbed. everytime you drive out you get hijacked. So get insurance if you ever wish to live in south africa. Life insurance is very important! Also yous suck
Also known as "Helkom", "Smelkom", "Shit stain", "Shit Cum" is South Africa's equivalent of Hitler, and is in fact owned by Hitler, not the ANC ( African National Corruption ) as commonly believed. This evil entity provides telecommunications to parts of South Africa ( the rest of cables were stolen ) at a cost equal to laying your own international communications link. With the efficiency of home affairs on a go slow ( work actually undoes itself ) they claim you can get your internet connection within the next forever ( but before ICASA( Incompetent cunts against South Africa ) approves competition ). With speeds nearing the speed of darkness individual sentences can be downloaded within weeks ( only one alphabetical letter is allowed to be downloaded a month ). Known for systematically raping the country at rate unforseen before Robert Mugabe their official businness plan is R.A.P.E. ( Rape All People Economically ) and (charging more = less customers) and thus they can spend more time thinking of ways to bring down prices while at the same time actually increasing them.
It's a shame that such great people as Nokoff of Silverflame Designs and Nathmeister of Shit Inc. have to put up with such shite quality service from Telkom when people at TL are doing 202.13TB of upload we have to settle for 0.00031 ratios in this crappy country. Death to the oppressors!
Black Economic Empowerment. ( Also known as 'Blacks Eating Everything' ) is a form of employing people in South Africa. It states that should one be of black skin colour and have a name like 'Siyabonga' s/he should immediately get any job s/he applies for no matter how stupid one is. This is supposedly a method of 'correcting the imbalances of the past' which still seems to be unfair despite 76% of the population being black and almost two decades since apartheid ended.
Several people have suggested that BEE be banned but since the government are bat fuck insane and also black, it doenst seem likely.
Manto Tshabalala-Msimang is the most intelligent black person in South Africa. No questions asked. She is Uber-Intelligent. Her intelligence is only matched by her corruption. She lost her liver in a freak drunken driving accident and required a new one which she stole from some guy
During brilliant displays of her intelligence, she apparently discovered a cure for aids. At an expo in Sweden she proposed a methiod of mixing beetroot and water as a cure for Aids. The scientists behind her, were not laughing at her, but with her.
In another display of intelligence, she was caught by The Sunday Times drinking a shot of Vodka immediately after her liver transplant. Truly genius, dont you think? She then proceeded to sue the Sunday Times even though she herself wrote and article about freedom of the press.
Taxis in South Africa run over everything in site. Even if they are not on the road, they will make a special trip just to run over everything. Taxi drivers have problems telling the difference between cheap shit and stuff that works even when their hubcaps fall off and role towards a cop ( cops are corrupt )
Jacob is the current king of South Africa, and has been for over 9.5 million years, it is surmised that he actually preceded the missing link by over 5 evolutions and is actually the link between cows and whatever came before slugs. He is also a member of the NRA and actively promotes conflict resolution through the use of AK47's and in fact he shot the judge the last time he was accused of something ( which was yesterday ). He is also very popular with the population who have I.Q.'s lower than your average granite boulder ( also known as 99% of the population ). He also made the discovery that a shower will cure you of AIDS or HIV. He is currently working with Manto to promote shower use.