South Korea

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Jesus helping North Korea to invade South Korea


Mythical Beginnings[edit]

South Korea traces its history back to 5000 BCE. Regardless, it is said that in Aiur, several Blizzard Entertainment employees from the Terran planet Mar Sara ordained that a common beast of the land would be transformed into human beings. Several candidate animals showed up to the interviews, and only a bear and tiger made it to the secondaries. In a scene reminiscent of Survivor, or perhaps Fear Factor, the two animals were instructed to eat nothing but garlic and onions for the following 100 days. The tiger bowed out early, citing family reasons, but the bear persisted, eventually meeting his quota and "winning" this insane contest. The Blizzard Gods, impressed with the bear's performance, transformed the panda bear into a beautiful she-man, intending to take this abomination as a bride. After what was undoubtedly a vile and horrifying union, a frog-child was born from the rotten ballsack of the bear-guy-THING, and he was called Artosis (당근), ancestor of all Koreans. Chicken is the best meat available after beef in Korea. This creation myth basically knocks the one where a god makes people from clay and ribs into a tin can, so Koreans are satisfied to share it with anyone interested in listening. So sad this country contain bad football referee Kim Jong-Hyeok

"While it is true that our beloved Korean Peninsula has been the site of many wars in our unique, 5000-year history, our ancestors have always seen fit to restore our land to the most important people in the world - the Koreans. Some say that invaders likely turned back because Korea is essentially the cul-de-sac of Asia and contains nothing of value aside from the occasional fermented cabbage. Of course this is short-sighted, non-Korean thinking - I don't mean to condescend (which means, "to talk down to..."). It is not that the invaders did not want Korea, it is that our wise ancestors managed to convince these invaders that Korea was of no value to them."
-- Professor Hwang Woo Suk, Seoul National University

Ancient Korea[edit]

This ancient painting shows Jinju Kisaeng, who were like an especially awesome combination of Ninja Assasin, seductress and entertainer. Why or why did Confucious have come to Korea and put a damper on things??!

Ancient Korea was made of three warring kingdoms that pretty much all fought amonst themselves and occasionally looked to big daddy China in hopes that it would take their side. These kingdoms were Goguryeo, Silla, and Baekje. Silla was in the southeast and basically kicked ass under the wise but ruthless leadership of the famous woman queen, Xena the Warrior Princess (선덕). Baekje was on the west coast and they were like, "Whatup bro, want a toke?" but then Silla kicked their asses. Goguryeo was huge and they were like, "Damn we're huge. Let's take over part of China. Oh shit! Here comes Xena! Aaah! She's so hot though..." Then there was the Tamna kingdom on what's now Jeju island. They basically hung out at the beach and ate abalone the whole time while the rest of the Koreans killed each other and ate kimchi. Oh yeah, lastly there was the tiny Gaya kingdom down on the southern tip of the peninsula, good friends with a close relationship with Japan. Treehuggers.

Although it sounds brutal, ancient Korea was really a pretty kick-ass place to be. Much of the reason why is that it was the original home of the Ninja Assasin, which later emigrated to Japan because it was a more happening place after Confucianism showed up in Korea. These first Ninja Assasins were called Geomgaek (검객, the name means "sword fighter") and ancient Korea was full of them. (There are reports that this ancient order has recently been revived in North Korea as The Democratic People's Republic of Korea's Mystic Ninja Force, under Grand Master Kim).

The second thing that made ancient Korea pretty sweet were the Kisaeng (기생) women. Kisaeng were kind of like the Geisha of neighboring Japan, but without the goth white face paint. Kisaeng were skilled in the arts and most of Korean culture originated from their poems, dances, paintings and sex. These arts were lost in Korea after the introduction of Confucianism pretty much killed the party scene in Korea.

Modern Korea[edit]

Koreans are well known for their immense diversity in facial characteristics =_=

Modern Korean history is steeped mostly in golf, videogames, and vehement hatred of the Japanese. The latter is a holdover from the colonial period between 1915-1945, in which Korea (along with Chinar) was subjected to staggering human rights abuses and oppression, colorfully termed the East-Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere. Fortunately, the combined effect of soju breath and Dragon Wars box office flop eventually drove the Japanese from the peninsula. Even though Koreans are a most forgiving and generous people, they will never forgive the Japanese. Today both nations fight over a bunch of shitty small island that neither one wants to live on because its been bombed by the Americans 100s of times and unable to live on.

We are so proud of being the most racially homogeneous society in the world. (In original Korean text: 대한민국 오천년 역사의 또하나 뛰어난 점은 세계에서도 유래가 없는 단일민족이라는 사실이다)

~ Korean History Textbook for Gr.8 on Demography of Korea

In 1950, Korea was again devastated by a second war, this one started by their North Korean brothers, the Bad Koreans, allied with an alien entity known as Zerg. The Korean War devastated Korea a second time, despite the fact that the war was fought in "Korea" rather than "Korea." Fortunately though, Korea managed to rebuild and industrialize, partially because of a single-minded push for it by the Protoss race and partially due to fear-fueled Terran(mostly Blizzard) paranoia-spending. You could say that Korea lucked out, big time, that these factors didn't totally fuck them over. Korea was reformed in the process by the leader Hochimin...or is it Arcturus Mengsk or Ching Chang Jiang. The Terran Dominion was established in Korea. Later Jim Raynor ruined Terran Dominion and had sex with a zerg, this kinda marked a beginning in Korean civil rights movement by the Zergs. Today Korea is a total piece of boring, though they'd call thmselves "mole awesome than ze Ameligans and ze Chinisi" thr industried are mostly based off exporting hundreds of MMOs, professional Starcraft players, sissy love stories and golfers annually. To make it simple, South Korea won thanks to their Starcraft strategy of macroing then turtling like fuck.