SpongeBob SquarePants

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about SpongeBob SquarePants.
Lovely Sponge Bob

SpongeBob SquarePants is an Academy Award winning drama following the life and times of a war-torn undersea nation. Well renowned for its gripping non-human emotion and stunningly realistic visual effects, SpongeBob SquarePants ( alternatively titled Bikini Bottom: Life Under the Sea) is set in the Northern Atlantic nation of Bikini Bottom, where the navy rules the poor sea creatures with an iron fist, much like Iraq. It stars Tinky Winky as SpongeBob, Elvis Presley as Patrick, Jackie Chan as Squidward, Halle Berry as Sandy, Former President Bush as Mr. Krabs, Ronald McDonald as Plankton and Paris Hilton as Mrs Puff. Guest stars include Stan Smith as King Neptune, Pope Francis as SpongeBob's dad, J.K. Rowling as SpongeBob's mom and Oprah Winfrey as Pearl.

The Cast[edit]

SpongeBob SquarePants[edit]

SpongeBob, rallying the guerrilla forces.

SpongeBob SquarePants is quote on quote, the main character of this show. He was born SpongeRobert Horation Williams-SquarePants on |September 11, .30756 in a small town called Speedo. He later changed his name to Spongegerman Nazipantes in support of the Nazi party ( related to the panzy party but not quite ). At the out break of World War II, he was living in Germany and supported Hitler's Hoodlums in the war and became Hitler's personal bathtub sponge. The picture on the left was of him in a Hitler costume. He bought one in celebration of his intials being 'SS', the initials of Hitler's Nazi Stormtroopers. When sponge bob relocated to the Bikini Bottom, hitler was shocked and shot himself in the arse, ending World War II. He goes about his life repeating the same redundant cycle of waking up, going to work, fighting the American Infidels, jellyfishing and sleeping and dreaming of jellyfishing. He was originally approached by MTV for his reality TV series "The Spongefactor", but denied, saying, "I want to influence the chitlins." That is when Nickelodeon signed him to his show, following him on his quest for everlasting sobriety and acceptance. He has done this for four seasons and has won an Emmy for this performance.

His origins are unknown, but around the third season of the show, it is revealed that he was conceived when Mr. Clean used a sponge to wipe up some semen stains. His father, as Mr. Clean denied the ownership of said sperm, is still unknown, but rumor has it that he will be revealed in the next season or so.

It has been confirmed, through SquarePants's autobiography Under The Sea ( Life Is NOT The Bubbles ), that he is in fact a flamboyant homosexual and a recovering drug addict. He addresses his various drug experiments ( including cocaine and heroin ) in-depth in the novel and compares himself to Elton John. He also writes that he has contracted herpes at least twice. It is also known ( though not publicized as much ) that he had three sisters, all of which committed suicide because of mid-life depression and Samuel Jackson's terrible acting skills on Snakes on a Plane, and that SpongeBob himself has attempted suicide at least thrice by beaching himself. His outlet for his feelings now is jellyfishing and annoying his straight neighbour, Squidward.

SpongeBob helped pioneer the art of jellyfishing, and spent his youth selling his body in order to make ends meet, but not prostitution mind you. No, he was used by maids to clean up old hotel rooms.

A little known fact about the main character, Spongebob SquarePants, is that he is actually a recovering pedophile, his form of punishment for this heinous crime was to go down to Bikini Bottom and save any children in the war zones. It should be noted that is at anytime he touches the children, a totally random accident will befall him and injure to the edge of death. This has been witnessed many times during the series. He tried to commit robbery in season three but got arrested. It is rumored that spongebob used to smoke from season one to season three. He almost got fired in the middle of season four all because of a contract and a restraining order.

Patrick Star[edit]

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Leading troops into battle.

Patrick is a mentally retarded Starfish that got into Harvard Sea School and mysteriously graduated there. He is SpongeBob's comrade in arms. Though, in the second season finale, he betrays SpongeBob and joins Sandy and the American troops against SpongeBob. He does this because he believes that America can help Bikini Bottom, and SpongeBob is just hindering the inevitable future. That and he wants to tap Sandy's ass, hella bad. Sadly, Patrick died at the end of season three because of a shooting and getting ran over.

Patrick's background in the military is influenced by his father and grandfather. Patrick's origin's were revealed in a controversal megazine article entitled The Origin of Patrick Star. In it, it is revealed that Patrick's grandfather, Billy Bob Star, was a marine sniper during World War II, and worked for the Japanese during the Pacific battles. However, Billy Bob was executed by Chinese Pirates later that year. Herb Star, his son, rebelled agaist the Chinese and lead a riot against them in the Chinese-Bikini Bottom Wars. When the war finally ended in the 1970s, Herb Star worked for the Central Stupidity Agency to investigate the Watergate scandal in the 1970s. However, shortly after Patrick's birth, Herb was abducted by aliens, and went to live on Discworld. It is rumored that herb used to suffer from RLS

Squidward Testicles[edit]

Squidward, right before the hanging.

Squidward Tentacles was once the leader of Bikini Bottom. But then, the American Government spun some propaganda around and then, after Squidward retaliated with some shitty ass clarinet music ( could it be called music? ), the war began. Squidward was removed from office and after several failed rescue attempts from SpongeBob, he was hanged in the middle of the first season.

In season 3 Patrick confirms that SpoungeBob had a thing going on with Squidward, and that he also had sex with the squid, though Squidward decided not to do it.YES HE DID!

Sandy Cheeks[edit]

Sandy: Texas Ranger

Captain Sandra "Sandy" Cheeks is one of the few survivors of season three, having fled from the wrath of Tom Cruise after the Americans engaged him in battle. She is one of the only females on the show, which has lead to some pretty racy sex scenes. In 1998, Sandy Cheeks escaped Texas to hide from the Americans in the city of Bikini Bottom. There, she lived and her secrets were never revealed until season four. After the fourth season finale she was killed by americans.

Rumor has it that Sandy will not be returning for season five as she is in the middle of a contract dispute, which could lead to her getting fired from the show.

Recently, Sandy Cheeks has released a new sex tape in which she dry humps Emily Osment. Sandy's ass cheeks are sandy!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs[edit]

Before the cosmetic surgery.

Eugene Krabs is a Polish Jew ( one of the last mind you ), and is the financial benefactor to both SpongeBob and the Americans. He is a veteran of many wars, including the War of 1812, World War II, the French Civil War ( France lost ), the Clone Wars, and the Chinese-Bikini Bottom Wars. Like all Jews he is most known however for his stinginess towards money. His restaurant, the Krusty Krab, is a shithole of a fast food chain ( it's the ocean's McDonald's ), with his trademark meal, the Krabby Patty (think of a soggy and salty Big Mac ). Though the burger is an obvious health hazard and tastes like trash, Krabs doesn't care; he just wants to make as much money as possible, like a typical Jew. he orginally called the Krabby Patty the Krappy Patty, but the name was already taken by a hobo in Oregon.

Sheldon J. Plankton[edit]

Sheldon J. Plankton: Hitler's second-hand man...er...thing.

Sheldon J. Plankton is the former friend, and now rival of Eugene H. Krabs. In 1950, Plankton established the Chum Bucket, as part of a plan for world domination. One day in 1972, after years of depression and failure, Plankton went to the Krusty Krab and tasted a Krabby Patty for the first time. Upon arrival at home that night, Plankton realized that the Krabby Patty secret sauce held the key to world domination. The next day, Plankton requests that Mr. Krabs give him the recipe. When Krabs refused, it was a start of a 65 year era of failure. Plankton initiated Plan Z in 2037, but with failure. After 3 years in a Turkish prison, Plankton returned to his home and devised Evil Plan AA. Using a time machine, Plankton transported Mr. Krabs back to 1812 and himself to 1949. There, Plankton was able to obtain the recipe and prepare for domination. In March of 2041, at the age of 99, Plankton released a nuclear weapon. Plankton released a nuclear weapon over the United States, which caused Bikini Bottom and the United States to enter the conflict known as World War IV. However, Plankton died in 2047, just seconds away from completing Plan AA. His fate, as reported by Adolph Hitler in an interview, was to go to Hell and torture all Lawyers who enter it.

Plankton is scheduled to make a return in season 4 as a zombie.

Mrs. Puff[edit]

SpongeBob's Driving Teacher, she has tried to Teach SpongeBob to drive, but he can never learn. It like he's got a mental block or something. In the war, she teaches to drive Tanks and other weapons. But Spongebob came and stressed her out. She is now suicidal, thanks to SpongeBob. She goes to the Hospital every month for therapy, she has no choice but to teach SpongeBob, as she made a bet with Satan in 1986, if she didn't teach Driving to All troops, she'd be Damned to go to Hell. She also works as an Airbag for troops, because she inflates when she gets in Vehicle Crashes.Her husband was brutally killed and transformed into a lampshade used to light up Hitler's room and was then transported to Auswitchz,where a dead/dying Jew ate him up.Along with the bulb.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy[edit]

Retired Superheroes who act like stereotypical old people. They were fired for making more harm then good, and accidentally Causing World War II. SpongeBob got them out of retirement, to help him in the war, but they turned out to be old men by now, SpongeBob was fans of them, but he found out they were gay, and left them. Desprate, they started a TV program. But, it only lasted a season, and they lost their money. After living on the streets, they signed up for the war. Barnacle Boy however, got Cancer ( Due to Smoking to relive the stress of fighting troops ), and died. Mermaid Man, not strong enough to fight, was captured and due to his superpowers, he had to be Beheaded. They were both dead by Season 2. Their arch Rivals, Man Ray and Dirty Bubble, joined the war and are still at large.

Suprisingly enough, they are human, God knows how they can live underwater without oxygen tanks and shit. However, in their autopsies, there was a large amount of Cocaine and Magic Fairy Dust found in their lungs. They have gone to college, perhaps they created the concoction there and only used it on themselves. Rumor has it that crack also gives them their Superpowers.


Pearl attack in the first battle of Bikini Bottom.

Pearl is Mr. Krabs outside-of-marriage. Her being the illegitimate daughter of Eugene Krabs makes her a great television drama character, although the church is against it. Her true origin is unknown. She is SpongeBob's other love but she refused to continue the relationship because she was sent to a "Special mission" at the battle of Bikini Bottom. The army didn't count that Pearl can be used as a Weapon of Mass Destruction. When she killed dozens in one jump, the army developed a secret project codenamed P.E.A.R.L ( Stands for "People Erradicator And Regicidal Lady ) at Season 1. By Season 3 the P.E.A.R.L. project was more powerful than Hitler could be in 3 lives, even his excellency King Neptune respect her as the ONLY living underwater wonder of the world. In season 5 the P.E.A.R.L project was neutralized in the second battle of Bikini Bottom, being converted by God to fight for the Good Side.