St. Peter

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about St. Peter.

Alicia Keys - the real story behind the keys

~ St. Peter on Alicia Keys

St. Peter ( right ) conversing with Caesar. ( from the movie Office Space )

Born around the time that Christ was, St. Peter, known as Peter in those days, worked for the Roman Empire as a computer programmer. Every day, Peter would go to work, thinking that each day was the worst day of his life. That is until he met Christ. Christ hypnotized Peter, and told him to forget about all of his problems. Peter returned to work for the Empire, but no longer cared what Caesar had to say. Finally, Peter decided he just wasn't going to go anymore.

When Peter was on the road back home, he was met again by Christ. Peter asked him "Domminae, Quo Vadis?", which translates, "I thought you were dead, what the fuck?". Christ said, "I'm on my way to Rome to beat some heads in." Peter replied, "Don't bother. I'll go back and face the music." Peter then turned, and headed back toward Rome. "Hey, Peter," Christ said, "Watch out for your cornhole, bud."

Upon his return to Rome, Peter cut down the tallest tree around, a redwood, and hurled it from a cliff, much like Moses hurled his staff at the ground as God turned it to a snake. Peter's redwood, however, would become a beast so terrible, that to even look upon it would cause severe cramps and rectal discharge. Peter had summoned forth what would be called St. Peter's Basilica. He turned this hellish beast loose on Rome, and conquered it in a day. He then married Jennifer Aniston and proclaimed himself Ruler of the Universe.

God didn't think this was very funny at all. In fact, he hired men to drag Peter out of his house, and crucify him. Unfortunately for Peter, the hitmen were quite inept, and ended up crucifying him upside down, which was quite painful.

Upon Peter reaching Heaven, God immediately put Peter to work in the worst job in Heaven: Doorman.