Stephen Hawking

From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
Jump to: navigation, search
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Stephen Hawking.
Professor Hawking ( right ) and Dr. Coolio collaborate on developing the theory of astro-hip-hop.

Stephen Hawking besides being a self-proclaimed scientist, Bad Ass Mother Fucker, robotic ninja assasin, and wheelchair-bound spec ops sniper, was the lead singer and cowbell player for Pink Floyd and the author of various bestselling books on pop culture including the timeless classics "sex trek, the anal radiation"; "The Universe in a Brown Paper Bag" and "Dark Energy, Once You go Black You Don't go Back". In 1991 he was voted "World's Sexiest Cyborg" by his colleages at the Scienticif Liberal University of Technology ( SLUT ) Vermont]].

Dr. Hawking has managed to do something with his life despite being mentally tortured at the worst school ever. St Albans Boys.

Dr. Hawking spent his best days in the basements and cellars of Oxford University in Iran, nourishing himself with a new device that allows him to dig miles into the Earth towards the core. Stephen Hawking runs on NetBSD 2.0.2, and had a record-breaking uptime of 4,954,122 hours, 54 minutes, and 10 seconds during the BSOD era. He had only been hacked once, by a retarded child who existed in Christopher Walkan's imagination. It turned out that the hacker had used a backdoor ( not to be confused with Bill Clinton's "Back Door" policy ) password ( "astro-fag" ), left in by the original programmer, Stephen Falkan.

He was one of the brighter students at Oxford. Every year they would hold contests at the Oxford University, and when Stephen became 20 he decided it was time to participate. He reached the final and expected to win but was defeated by another student called Duncan Cameron. The reason he lost had much to do with the fact that his physics wasn't up to date. Stephen got so upset about his loss that he swore revenge.

Stephen's other bitter rivalry with Bill Gates began over a pan of "special brownies" they made while rooming together in their college dorm. Bill violently attacked Stephen, threatening to fucking kill him, leaving him crippled and brownie-less. Until this day Stephen has been plotting to get revenge by what he calls "...taking that bastard's retainer".

Another connection between Hawking and Bill Gates is that they have both had access to part of Chocotopia at some point in time. Currently, there is a small piece of it stuck in Hawking's teeth.

He was once almost forced to create a drill large enough for the entire planet in 2010 by George W. Bush's Do Over Act. He was instead able to convince Congress to purchase mass quantities of the calendars he sold on eBay.

A Brief History of Stephen Hawking[edit]

Hawking's first album, before centoplegya

Hawking was born "Stephen Hawkinginging" ( Spackerish Deevan Orkin ( dribble ) ) in a manor house in Lincolnshire on the 25th of December 1642. The product of the union between mediocre pampleteer Stephen King and God, Stephen later adjusted his surname to that which you see today.

Stephen Hawking is delightfully handicapped! At age of 18, he became wheelchair-bound when he decided to take on Satan- following the footsteps of Jesus, But poor Stephen did not realise that Satan was a child Molestor, and thus he got deflowered badly by Satan and his Cronies who took turns for the honours. All this time God was laughing, and Stephen vowed for war. He spent his later years shagging his own inventions such as the rabid wolf bitch known as the 'yorkshire ripper' he later had a baby so foul that on birth Hawking did a shit on it and the cyborgs took over the baby and turned it into ninja cat frog. Although he has tried to write romantic love-letters to woo ladies, often the girls would just return them saying they couldn't get past page 8.

Stephen Hawking's Reign of Terror[edit]

When he became 21, Stephen sought for people that were in the same position as him. Which means people that like him are bright but feel unrewarded because they never were able to win at any price. He found some 'soulmates' in Richard Humming, Sander Clops and John Johnston. Together they started an underground organisation called 'Scientists In Negotiation' ( SIN ). They were widely regarded by the church as sinners and homo-fags ( see Pope Benedict XVI ) They started to discredit other scientists that made breakthrough inventions such as Isaac Newton, Isaac Brainstorm, Albert Einstein, Quinn Mallory, and Professor Arturo. When the general public wouldn't fall for their misleadings they would terrorise the scientist in question. In 1938 John Newton was found dead in the back of truck that was carrying manure. Twenty bullets were found spread across his body. One bullet had the form of a devil, which made real scientists think that Satan has sent Hawkings to earth in order to lead people astray. This is quite possible. A week after the finding of John Newton's corpse, Hawking was arrested on charges of gunning down Albert Einstein, but managed to escape prison shortly thereafter. It was then that Einstein's brother Pope Yoda joined forces with Einstein's father Gandalf in what Yoda describes as a "holy crusade to assassinate Hawking, it is." Subsequently, Hawking went into hiding and has not made a public appearance for years, yet still manages to publish his evil schemes for world domination through his publisher Jesus Christ.

Losing an old bet[edit]

Hawking was in the news in July 2004 for losing a bet he made with Kip Thorne and John Preskill of Caltech. Thorne and Hawking wagered that Hawking would get laid before Preskill. They lost, when Preskill was doing his housework naked, and slipped and fell, accidentally inserting his penis into his pet dog, thus winning the bet.


Hawking, on another mission to save the world & the universe

In an remarkable breakthrough, Stephen Hawking has designed an advanced cybernetic exoskeleton in order to replace his wheelchair. The hydraulically powered titanium-alloy exoskeleton is expected to assist Hawking in theoretical physics research. The apparatus is equipped with special infra-vision goggles designed to observe sub-atomic phenomena firsthand.

A young Hawking rocking the scene... um, I mean, science.

The $55 million exoskeleton has empowered Stephen Hawking to even take up crime fighting in his spare time, as the mean-looking robotic suit will visually testify.

During the time left from time space continuum research & crime fighting, Hawking also turns up at Karoake bars, often singing duets with other like minded physicists & crime fighters.

Hawking is often refused from riding on public transport, after the majority of the population saw the Scope billboards advertising equality, with a picture of a disabled man and someone showing him the 'v' sign. The population found this hilarious and banned any wheelchair-bound citizen from riding on buses whilst waving the 'v'.

Steven Hawking's main rival these days, stairs, is based on a bitter childhood rivalry based back to the Crusades. When stairs burnt his village, causing his mother and father to die in a freak hash brownie baking incident, he swore revenge on them. Later, during the Napoleonic Wars, stairs called Hawking a ( quote ) "stupid, dickbreathed buttface." Tensions rose and they began fighting. During the fight, Steven Hawking summoned a handicapped elevator and stairs evolved into escalator which was 2 times as powerful, making Hawking fall down itself for 30 years nonstop. Finally, once Hawking managed to get off the escalator of death, he began fighting again. Hawking and stairs continue to fight to this day, and are the sole reason that Pluto is no longer considered a planet.

Also, look out for his first video game debut: Stephen Hawkings: Project 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510... coming in about 3-64 years on whatever console he wants it to be. The graphics will be awesome ( or so it seems )! You can style your own wheelchair and customize your gear! WARNING: Some people may get sizures, nausia, heart-burn, indiguestion, upset stomache or Gonorrhea.


A few drunk time-travelers spilled a cup of good Long Island iced tea on Hawking's wheelchair in 1990, leading Hawking to ban time travel. He issued a law stipulating that all wormholes having light being sent back in time would start a feedback loop leading to the wormhole exploding like a bomb. The wormholes in question, however, never heard of the law, and so time-travelers kept using them. Frustrated, Hawking attempted to invent a time machine himself, but his wheelchair got in the way. So Hawking created a naked singularity and used it as toilet paper. ( Not that this has to do with anything. ) Later he made some kick ass hot wings. They were tastee!

Music Career[edit]

His music career began with his first album "The Hawkman Cometh" a full list can be found here [1]. Beware this is a real album and can actualy be bought.

Life as a Quake Master[edit]

After acquiring his Masters Degree in the field of Disaster, and a PhD in Pain (his thesis on the many uses of the Perforator won him a Nobel Prize in the field of Torture), Steven Hawking spent several years mastering the game of Quake and its many sequels, spin-offs, and mods. When asked about Steven Hawking, fat4l1ty said "That mother fucker h4x. I swear to God he instagibs me the millesecond I see him. Maybe even before I see him. Fucking physicists and their time travel shit..."

Stephen Hawking is So Pimp That:[edit]

Oh yeah, Stevey and I had lots of fun riding in his Mustang busting caps and picking, our friends.

~ Oscar Wilde on another vague subject
  • He won the Daytona 500 race in his wheelchair under the name of Speedy Gonzales, the Fastest Mouse in Mexico.
  • He can actually move, he "just doesn't feel like it."
  • He is actually both the father and son of Stephen King after impregnating his fathers mother while time traveling.
  • Whilst Flavor Flave has a clock hanging around his neck, Stephen Hawking has a supermodel hanging around his. Ohhhh yeeeaaaahhh...
  • He regularly gets laid by freshmen women at the University of Cambridge in the Lucasian Chair, the same chair that Newton once sat upon.
  • In 2001, he released his first ever video game: Stephen Hawking Pro Wheelchair, and in 2003, Stephen Hawking Pro Wheelchair 2
  • His wheelchair wheels has: Spiners, Reverse Spiners, and Reverse Reverse spiners

Stephen Hawking is a Transformer. His wheelchair can become:

  • A helicopter
  • The Voltron ( obviously )
  • A flame cannon
  • A PlayStation 5
  • A level 70 Paladin with Epic Mount
  • A ninja. Duh.
  • A Rubik's Cube

Living on the Sun[edit]

Stephen Hawking has been quoted saying that "Man must move to the Sun in order to survive". He says that although it will not be as comfortable as earth, we are going to destroy the Earth in the next 50 minutes, because George Bush plans on A-bombing "those French-homo suckas". He advises use of the BFB ( Big Fucking Bomb, name was thought of by America's lead scienctist and took over 72 hours of deliberation ). The dust from the explosion would block out the sun and throw the earth into a -50 C nuclear winter. This is thought to be the best countermeasure against global warming (and the French). ever.

Stephen Hawking claims that with a little sunblock, and 15 feet of concrete, the sun can be as habbitable as say, New York.

Scientific View On Panties[edit]

Hawking recently formed a scientific hypothesis, which stated that wearing panties is in fact very beneficial for both menand women. He proved ( through a double blind "iron clad" test ) that not wearing panties is actually a very foolish thing to do.

See also[edit]