Suicide

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Suicide.

Part of the Dæmonica series on Misery:



He's miserable. Are you?

Tina Fey exploits suicide, Michael Hutchence style. Sadly hilarity does not ensue.

The loss of Phyllis Hyman by suicide was a tragedy and loss for music as for the whole entire world

~ Alicia Keys on Phyllis Hyman

I tried it once but I didn't inhale

~ Asphyxiation on Suicide

I tried it once but I inhaled

~ Suicide on Asphyxiation

Nobody is going to care unless you are short or in Nirvana.

~ Hervé Villechaize on Suicide

Suicide is painless.

~ M*A*S*H on Suicide

I tried suicide, but I liked kitten huffing better.

~ Oscar Wilde on Suicide

Suicide (from Latin saosin, to be reborn) is a fatal condition caused from a lack of sexual intercourse, the misappropriation of sexual intercourse during the anal/oral/vaginal phases of human development, or from just being a complete failure at life in general. It is also a preferred method for fags and furries to lose karma points in order to live out their perverted fantasies.

The moral quality of suicide is widely disputed, and usually people will accept the logical inconsistencies in their viewpoint with a shy giggle. For example, it is generally agreed upon, that the suicide of ugly, stupid and/or otherwise annoying fellow human beings makes more logical sense, while however the opposite is far more sexually arousing.

Suicide is also a virgin cocktail, made by pouring in a little bit of each available type of soft drink from a self-service dispenser: cola, root beer, orange, Hi-C, aspartame, etc. The person making such a beverage is traditionally known as a soda jerk, despite the lack of any Jamaican spices or even semen ( it being a virgin cocktail ) in the traditional recipe.

Views on Suicide[edit]

Suicide is the only act of murder which is not the fault of the murderer. Instead society, parents, school, rock music, and Video Games are to blame, the percentages depending on who currently has the most ridiculous haircut. Many people will tell you that suicide is the permanent solution to your temporary problems. Buddhism, however, teaches that it's actually a temporary solution to a permanent problem.


  • Note A: Suicide was regarded as painless in the 1960s. It's not.
  • Note B: Suicide brings on many changes.
  • Note C: One could take or leave it if one pleases.

Modern Connotation[edit]

Suicide is now commonly known as a sub-culture, closely related to the music genre of Emo. Surveys indicate that most Mid-western yokels belong to this sub-culture.

Medical Treatment[edit]

Nowadays, suicide is also an important medical treatment for the cure of depression. It is resolutive.

Consequences of Suicide[edit]

One consequence that might be worth mentioning is the fact that suicide can kill, if done properly. There have been numerous reports about suicide attempts that have ended in fatality. However, there are other, rarer consequences to When Suicide Goes Wrong

Is Suicide OK?[edit]

Saint Stephen the Martyr detonated himself in a Jerusalem marketplace in AD 34, killing seven Zionists. This is the good type of terrorism.

Suicide is generally not OK, however there are some particular and highly specific instances in which suicide is considered the right thing to do. Those instances include:

  • If you are, or are in any way related to, George W. Bush, John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Jack Thompson, Michael Jackson, or any other current, past, or future politician and/or lawyer.
  • Upon the death of a close family member, friend or pop idol.
  • If you masturbate too much,or too little.
  • Before, during or after divorce.
  • If it's for religious reasons and you take others down with you.
  • If deflowered before marriage or otherwise sexually sullied.
  • If on medical drugs, specifically steroids or antidepressant SSRI's.
  • If suffering from clinical depression outside of a clinic.
  • Upon rejection by a potential life/sex partner.
  • If seppuku is agreed upon before the Counter-Strike match and you lose.
  • If Steve Ballmer vows to fucking bury you.
  • You are a character in a Shakespearean play.
  • At the end of a mass murder spree.
  • When captured by enemy agents who will do anything to get the location of the microfilm.
  • On trial for crimes against humanity.
  • Before turning into a zombie.
  • If your high school boyfriend/girlfriend or both of them dumps you.
  • If you have been writing to a white rapper constantly, without receiving a reply.
  • If you listen to Green Day
  • If you do NOT listen to Green Day
  • If you listen to RnB that is not from the 80's.
  • If you have seen a Uwe Boll film.
  • If you like the television show "Laguna Beach"
  • If you're a 40 year old AIDS infested whore
  • If you believe the Internets is a series of tubes.
  • If you could pass for a member of The Rolling Stones.
  • If Maddox ridiculed your hate mail, dipshit.
  • If Brooke Astor passes you a note saying she wants to "get medieval on your ass, dahling."
  • If you have dishonoured your family.
  • If you've watched one full episode of Sex and the City
  • If you have or thought about listening to the band Green Day
  • If you enjoy Adam Sandler movies

Just being black in Japan should cover any situation.

While suicide is accepted as an appropriate method for getting rid of overpopulation in most countries, there are some exceptions. In the United Spades of America, one loses the right of a decent funeral after committing suicide. In the Netherlands, suicide is a capital crime and people face the death penalty after successful suicide attempts. Unsuccessful attempts are outlawed in Palestine.

The tragic loss of wetland habitat has driven many woodpeckers to suicide.

Suicide Methods[edit]

Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny, pink pieces while in a crowded area. However this outlook is an over generalization and not representative of the plethora of methods that are available to the suicide recipient, including:

Easy methods[edit]

  • Bashing one's head into a sidewalk
  • Boiling oneself to death
  • Anorexia
  • Burning oneself
  • Being black in Japan
  • Bungee Jumping
  • Car 'accident'
  • Sumo Wrestling With Margaret Thatcher
  • Drop a lit match down your throat
  • Communicating with a grue.
  • Cutting through the ceiling along your room's border
  • Drowning
  • Electrocution
  • Eating a tub full of beans
  • Hard man's way of suicide: Holding your own breath until you die.
  • Eat 2 pounds of popcorn kernels, stand over a fire
  • Shaving in the wrong place ( namely your wrist )

More Difficult methods[edit]

  • Get on a high building, one with two poles on adjacent corners. Tie a rope to your ankles and some wire around each end of the pole. Loop the wire around your neck. Glue your hands to the sides of your head and jump off. While this method is the most time-consuming, it is the best way to go if you want to leave your mark on the world.
  • Alternately, try to divert a meteor towards the Earth with your body. The downside is that the Hell Police will be unable to keep all those pissed sinners away from you.
  • Eat Your Own Head
We are NOT emo, ok?


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It is always correct to commit suicide when one is really thirsty and you just cannot choose which fountain to drink: you really want or don't care because you just want to relieve your damned thirst.

See also:[edit]