Tajikistan (Elf Language: فارسی زمین Persian Land) is a Persian country in the Land of Calradia, called by Europeans Gondor according to a KGB spy named J.R.R.Torkin. Though once a beautiful and rich land, it has now been threatened under Dark Side of The Force and its servant, Sauron of Wal-Mart and Jizzlam Karimov, the devil Darth of Ubekis, who plot to extend Wal-Mart and KFC to Calradia. However, people in Calradia who love freedom are all put their faith and trust in this mountainous country.
- 1 History
- 2 Geography
- 3 Culture
- 4 Economy
In the beginning Khuda created the Heaven and the Earth in his masturbation. However the earth was only a float of semens and very nasty. So the penis of Khuda moved upon the face of his piss. And Khuda said: “Let there be Penis”, and there was a white penis erected from Heaven to Earth ,which Khuda later called Light. Khuda saw the white penis, thought it was good, then he cut off white penis and planted it on Earth to create humans. Afterwards Khuda took a dump, his shit grew larger, then there was the Land of Calradia.
When tall and beautiful Aryan people were created by God, the Land of Calradia was a place with huge giants, angels, centaurs, peris, wizards and little puppies who can speak to humans. All races lived in peace under the rule of a lion named Keyumars Arslan. Devil Ahriman, who wanted to take his revenge because having been analplayed by Mithra, the Son of Khuda, summoned his army of rebellion to rise against the whole Calradia. Keyumars, under the protection of iranium weapon system, defeated Ahriman and turned him into a circuit ballon, with which he traveled to the whole world and made performance, until Ahriman promised to built Minas Tirith for him, then he founded the Jedi Order and The Magician Committee to provide magic and lightsword performance during afternoon tea time. Meanwhile some nomad tribes moved west to extend the border, where they found another land flowing with semen and pussyjuices outside Calradia and named it Iran, which means “the land of Freefuck”.
Kay Kavus, Dastan and Ali Alibaba
Though Darth Osaka had been eliminated by The Prince of Persia, Calradia had been ripped apart later because of the sheep-butchering and horse-exporting business conflict between Persia Trade Federation and Northern Tribe Federation (NTF), but both were still stay cool until Kay Kavus, a donkeybrain, chicken-hearted but ambitious emperor, decided to merge both federation together, therefore started the 30-years-who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire-war between Persia and NTF. Both teams worked really hard though both cannot merge each other because of the Khuda’s order of the game, until the birth of Kay Khosrow (Ali Alibaba), a love child of Siyavush and Farangiz, heir of both company, after their drunken one-night-sex. Kay Kavus then used his influence to make his illegitimate grandson the successor of himself and his rival, Afrasiab. Siyavush and Farangiz, however, were stoned according to Khomeini’s law for the crime of adultery. (Their sad stories were adapted to Romeo and Juliet by an asshole William Shakespeare, also being abused as inspirational source of Beren and Lotherien in Torkin’s The Lord of the Rings.)
Calradia was at last ruled after a coup-d’etat by Prince Dastan, which proved to be a handsome and brave asshole dictator in his later years. He was exiled by the new Shah Ali Alibaba after his 120 years of military service. Ali Alibaba was a very sexy emperor with big penis and it is said that he was the founder of Isengrad (Tashkentistan). He had another invention, that is the most famous spell in Ancient Persia “Open Sesame” (in Age of Empires if you use this spell once you’ll gain 10 billions Gold, 100000 woods and 1000 stones and kick the shit out of other players). He had many wives and concubines who wanted to fuck with his big penis, one of them who is jealous of others cut his penis off and used it to make a dildo.
In approximately 330 BCE, the Macedonian barbarians, under the rule of a dickless homosexual freak Alexander the Great, became the major force in the world to touch hot Persian babes. After he conquered Minas Tirith, for compensate his loss of army force he ordered every Macedonian soldier carry a Persian babe back to
his bed Kandahar to breed Taliban. But Calradia still erects like a penis.
Fighting with Pashtuns and Arabs
In the next hundreds of years the Calradian Persians had to fight with Talibans, and continued to lose until their Sassanid brothers rose up. The Sassanids kicked the shit out of Talibans and drove them back to cold, dark holes in Hindu Kush.
When tha Sassanids were eaten by Arab raptors down the bank of Eupharates, the citizens in Minas Tirith built a Jurassic park to welcome the invaders, which turned out to be a trap. The Persians adopted the religion of raptors, but killed all raptors to prevent them from eating all the Elves, Wizards and Peris in Calradia and ensure the truth of their new religion. In fact, no raptors lived in Calradia over 100 years, as the rest of them been hunted by Turanian horsemen randomly.
However now there are still some mutant Arab dinosaurs who think themselves Tyrannosaurus rex and wish to continue the glorious jihad of raptors, that is, extend the Jurassic Park to Calradia. These creatures have been respectfully mentioned as “MUSLIMS”
Khwarezm Empire and Mongol Invasion
In 751, Darth Kim Jong Il, Lord of Goguryeo, who was a puppy of Mordor and thought he is a deity, invaded Calradia for extending his Korean pickles business in worldwide Wal-Mart foodchain monopoly. However, Abu Muslim Aragorn Hormozd, who was a Jedi, along with his old buddy Gandalf, organized the First Fellowship of The Ring and found the Lord of Rings, using it to seal Kim Jong II’s evil soul in the Battle of Taraz until his resurrection in 1941.
Calradia remained freedom and prosperity and reached its peak in the next centuries. In 1000 AD, after the Uyghurs came to rule Isengrad and Minas Tirith, they decided to found a new trade federation which united all Persians and Turanians to secure the horse-exporting and steel industry, and so the Seljuk Federation (later Khwarezm Federation) was founded, directly controlled by Jedi Order and The Magician Committee. However, Muhammad II, the dumbest Shah in history, lost all his property in a Casino-Royale gamble to James Bond and his secret friends, Darth Temujin and his evil queen Borte. So the Siths finally conquered the whole Calradia with his bloody troops.
Revival of Calradia
After the rise of Timur Handicapp, the Calradian Persians shared a cultural revival and economical prosperity till the invasion of Darth Muhammad Shaybani. When Darth Shaybani thought he won the game, critically a 15-year-old brat Jedi from poor South Caucasus mountains named Ismail The First called a duel against him. It is said their duel lasted so long that the Sun and the Moon got very tired and fell asleep in the middle of the sky. Ismail The First won the duel and cut Darth Shaybani into half with his lightsaber. Two centuries later Ismail the First’s apprentice Nader Shah led his army to eliminate all Ubekis and Orcs remaining in the south bank of Jaxartes River and ruled their territories till the arrival of bloody Russians and Uncle Joe. When Uncle Joe’s soul was diminished with USSR in 1992 the Calradian Persians got freed but were soon drown into the war against Talibans and Ubekis, which almost turned Gondor into a bloody desert even God wouldn’t care.
Sith Invasion and Judgement Day
In 2012 the Siths from a galaxy far far away will attack the Earth with Death Star. They destroyed the Moon for a warning. Amerikanistan, which is always good at talk and creating Hollywood Dreamworks but really sucks at fighting and screwing tough armies, set up a debate and vote in UN to discuss whether to send a troop to give a try or surrender to Darth Sidious, who came back from a dark place in Ubiverse. The UN decided to send an ambassador to negotiate with Darth Sidious. However, before the UN ambassador arrived, three fearless Calradian Jedi Aushedar, Aushedarmah and Soshyant sneaked into Death Star and destroyed it by throwing Darth Sidious into
its central reactor a fried pan. Then Khuda came over and blew the Earth off with his assblow.
Most of Tajikistan is hilly. A notable exception to this are the plain between Minas Tirith and Annuminas, enough for Calradian Persians to feed themselves. The hill mountains are usually used for growing meat, especially genetically modified sheeps (used for baking Kebab). There are many holes in the mountains which was digged by moles, Elves, and gangsters who want to hide their treasure and set its entering code to “Open Sesame”. Some stories told us Aladdin’s Lamp and Aladdin’s Slut are hiding somewhere among these holes. South to the Tajikistan is what Americans called Talibanistan, which was bombed into plains because Darth Osaka was thought to be hiding there.
Samarkand (Minas Tirith), the City of Shahs
Samarkand in Farsi (Persian language) means “The City of Shahs from Jamshid and Fereydun to Mohammed Pahlavi”. Nobody knows since when it was established because it was built before Noah’s Flood and is the only place hadn’t been submerged. About 1992 AD some jackass invaded this holy city and left donkeyshit on its streets, making it very stinky. Samarkand is the capital of West Tajikistan Republic.
Was a beautiful city of literary and arts once, I mean, before Darth Temujin brought his Orcs and donkeys into Persia. It is said to be the capital of Samaritans and an also-missing ethnic group, the Dunedans. It is also hometown of a great post-Muhammad Jedi master, Ibn Sina (Avicenna).
Tajikistan gained its fame only by these two cities. What else can we ask?
Tajikistan is full of big-boobs beauty whose pussies are exclusive for Persian men. Persian men all over the world come to Tajikistan to find wives and concubines, producing Aryan children with pure Aryan blood, directly led to over population. Then King Rahmon signed a law to prevent this obvious sexual exploitation. The new order doesn’t care you are a Persian from where or even whether you are Persian (it’s a dumb assumption because the only people can live in this country alive are Persians), if you want to claim for the pussies which you have right to own, then buy a big house of chocolate and lollipop and some Dove packed with golden foil to satisfy your bride or concubine, or you’ll be the one who get fucked in the ass.
Despite the world has moved on to 21st century, people in Tajikistan still fight and live like Jedis. However they also use modern weapons, for example, AK-47. In Tajikistan it is very easy to get a lightsaber or lightdagger of even lightaxe, if you look at the street you will find out 90% of souvenir shops and 98% of factories are selling of producing lightsabers, especially Philips. However, Volga (the brand of lightsaber) is always what Persians like most.
Persian cats are the most famous specialties in Tajikistan, and are the main exports of this country. The second and third specialties are Persian magic carpets and Persian kebab.
Ahmad Shah Massoud
Ahmad Shah Massoud was a popular figure in Tajikistan. He was the most famous and successful action film star in Bollywood, mostly known as “the enemy of Cowmunist and Taliban”. He began his Jedi lesson under the arrangement of his father, a local gangster leader in Panjshir, then opened his first Karate training basement as his Jedimates do. After earning a large sum of money he decided to go to Bollywood for more fame, which soon made him the best anti-Pashtunistan figure on the screen. He co-acted with superstar Amitabh Bachchan in Fighting for Uncowmunism (1979) and Kick Pakistan-backed Taliban’s Big Ass (1992). In 1996 he began to screen a new war film by himself, later well-known as Battle Royale (released in November 2001, it is said Steven Seagal even quit Under Siege III to require a second-role in this film), but he died accidentally in an explosive sport race organized by Osaka Bin Laden before the film was released by his broker Burhanuddin Rabbani. All Persians in the world mourned for this excellent superstar, Tajikistanis soon set up a memorial for him in Dushanbe.
Prince Dastan was a very famous historical figure in Persian saga Shahmaneh. According to his biography, he was abandoned by his noble parents because he was born with handsome beard and totally-grown penis. To avoid the tragedy of Oedipus, his parents decided to feed him to wolves. Out of expectation, the she-wolves liked his big cock and lollipoped it, using their milk to feed the poor little thing. When he was 15 years old he left the high mountains for Sistan, in halfway he raped a jenny named Farah, enslaved and took her with him. In Sistan he encountered Princess Elika, the beautiful daughter of Faridun and Zahra, to whom he fell in love with. After Elika was pregnant after several nights of awesome sex, they decided to fled from Persia to Jewish Jerusalem. In Jerusalem they found Elika’s grandfather, Master Abraham. Abraham gave them the Persian version of Jewish Holy Bible, asked Elika and Dastan to finish it then went to heaven. So Elika added her mother’s story in Holy Bible, later well-known as Esther. Several years later, Faridun’s grandson Kay Kavus decided to wage a business conflict with Turanians, and Dastan, who had a PH.D in military negotiation, was given absolute right to order the whole Persian army. He definitely crushed Turan to pieces and almost ruined the whole Turanian economy, later he was officially admitted as Faridun’s son-in-law and a prince of Persia. There are rumors that he had relationship with Princess Tamina of Turan when he stayed in Isengrad and had a son named Sohrab with her. Sohrab later became the Godfather of Calradia under his father’s protection, which forced his father exiled him from Ubiverse. This rumor has been recorded in Shahmaneh but many Dastan’s fans refused to accept.
Noruz (the meaning of Noruz is “Let’s ROCK and FUCK”)is also known as Calradia New Year Carnival. It is said that after God created white penis he ordered humans to purify their soul in every year’s beginning, after their purification they can rock and fuck as usual. However, as the humans became more uncivilized, they are purified from the first day of a year to the last day of the year, leading to sexual frigidity. In the end most people decided to reset the Day of Purification, but not for purification but for rock and fuck. This festival then became Noruz, the most famous carnival in Calradia.
On Noruz day people usually buy gifts for each other, bake breads and kebabs, and drink some kumis (beer mixed with horse piss). The gifts for children are mostly light pipes. Of course the most liked are 24-hours parties which last for 72-100 hours, on which teenagers and stupid kids can fuck freely and openly on their parents’ bed because their parents are busy in collecting lollipops. For some people Noruz is also a day to memorize the past heros.
Gold Dinars are forever currency in Calradia. Since the Federal Reserve System can’t do anything to Calradia, a Golden Dinar now equals $100, 100000 Euros and 100 million Pounds. Meanwhile, the Arab Caliphate who insisted on using second-hand fake pepper currency had to use spices to solve the problem of global financial crisis, then got perverted by Gold Dinars. The Orcs in Calradia still use donkeycrap as currency until accept western-style kebab in the order of Jizzlam Karimov. The Elves, on the contrary, prefer to use Mitril, Lembas and pubic hair of Arwen.