Tanzania

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tanzania.


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This article may have been censored by His Excellency, Robert Mugabe.

What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!

CAPITALIST PIGS! CRACKERS! GUARDS, GO GET 'EM!!!
hif-bi tu throks - Jibaba la Bongo
Flag of Tanzania Kings Coat of Arms for Tanzania
( Flag ) ( King's Coat of Arms )
Motto: "Manyanga Juu !( Tanzanian for "Hide your Bongholes" )
National Anthem: Gaath knows the King
LocationTanzania.png
Official language Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Gundaaaaa
Capital Gongo La Mboto
Government Iron Fist and Buttocks Monarch
President to be announced by former president, who was eaten by the King yesterday
National Hero Maepkang Miti
International Hero Maepkang Miti
Independence 930 B.C
Currency Cool Points
Religion Great Religion of Gaath

Overview[edit]

Tanzania or Jibaba la Bongo is a mythological East African Country founded by Twelve Bantu Monks who descended from heaven to Egypt to spread the good word of Gaath. In the year 930 B.C, Gaath needed to spread his word, hence he chose the Twelve wise Bantus's to help him, since no one would listen to them because they were black, and he will have a good reason to send everyone to hell. Tanzania is a regional bully, and from time to time, its king bullies and rapes the neighbouring countries of Rwanda, Kenya, Burundi, and People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata. Other countries are scared of Tanzania because they have a muthafuckin' dragon on their flag, which is totally sweet.

Quick Facts[edit]

Geography[edit]

Located just off the Indian Ocean, Tanzania occupies a mythical land that Bantu people call their homeland. Tanzania has no defined borders, because its king can decide to expand at anytime. It is rumored that if the King does not fart for more than 7 days he invades a nearby country to ward off evil spirits.

Climate[edit]

Absolutely Hot, i mean like a muthafucka ! Temperatures range from Oven Hot to Bosch Refridgerator cold. Periods of mild weather whenever the King decides.

History[edit]

The Ancestral Caves of Makongo

The arrival of the twelve wise Bantu's, scared the shit out of the Egyptians and they decided to condemn them to the land of Lions, which is now modern Tanzania. The interbreeding of Wise Bantu's and local Rwandese prostitues produced modern day Tanzanians. The Wise Bantu's were not that wise after all by allowing Maepkang Miti to declare himself supreme ruler of the Land of Tanzania and all its animals and trees. Maepkang Miti went on to anally rape Zanzibar and forcefully annexing it with the mainland to form modern Tanzania. It is rumored that Maepkang miti is almost 38484494575 years old. To get rid of the wise Bantu's Maepkang forced them to have sex with a white woman, soon all the wise Bantu's were mesmerised by how white the woman was. it is said that the white woman was of French decent. The simple addiction to a white woman, was also the last nail in the coffin for the Wise Bantu's, soon they started to fight over who is to spend the night with the woman. The constant bickering and conflict led to spear chucking and soon they were all dead from self inflicted wounds. Maepkang's takeover was now complete and he continues to rule Tanzania with both an Iron Fist and Buttocks.

Demographics[edit]

The Demographics of Tanzania vary from place to place. Depending on the season of the year, you are less likely to run into a native Tanzanian 98% of the time since 50% of Tanzanian are known to be in deep sleep in the ancestral caves of Makongo at any particular time.

  • 95% - Wise Bantu's Decendants from Rwandese prostitutes
  • 2% - Wise Bantu + Vile French White woman Descendants
  • 1% - Gabachori's
  • 2% - Lost White South Africans and Zimbabweans

Culture[edit]

The culture of Tanzania is mostly Bantu and white people are eaten as a delicacy during mating rituals and the national holidays like the Kings Birthday. It is said that eating white people reverses the Wise Bantu's curse on the King and the land. Every year the Kings Birthday is celebrated ( even though his exact birth date is unknown ) by slaughtering 385474475 toads, 838348447557 Goats, 7988896855 Oxen, 808786 Doves and 2 White people. The Drummers drum continously for 45 days without going to the bathroom. Tanzanian men are allowed to have up to 4576 wives and women are encouraged to be virgins until they are 83 years old.

Politics[edit]

The Politics of Tanzania are dominated by its larger than life King, His holyness, King of Kings, Sultan of Sultans, VC, DSO, DDT, UPS, AAA, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire, Minor Pasha of the Left Side of Sofa's, Dragon of Prague, Lord of Plywood, Sheetrock and Other Panel-Like Building Materials, El Jefe of The Reformed Order of Lampshades, Big Daddy Maepkang Miti. Elections are not allowed, and even if they were allowed no one would vote since everyone is in deep sleep at the ancestral caves in makongo.

Military[edit]

The military consists of:

Foreign Relations[edit]

Tanzania shits on its neighbours whenever it wants. The king is known to have a short fuse when it comes to foreign relations. In 1995 the king declared war on Norway, only with the intervention of Bjork war was averted. It is rumored that Bjork offered her bonghole to the king in order to spare Norway from a humiliating defeat and a good ass rape. Norway is forever grateful to Bjork.

National Holidays[edit]

There are no National Holidays in Tanzania. Every day is a work day since humans are lazy. If you are lucky enoungh, on sunday you might be able to see King Maepkang Miti riding a Cheetah to Gaath Worship Services.

Illegal Practices[edit]

  1. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
  2. It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
  3. Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
  4. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
  5. Women may not drive in a house coat.
  6. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
  7. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
  8. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
  9. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
  10. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
  11. It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
  12. When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
  13. It is Illegal to shoot rabbits from a motorboat.
  14. It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
  15. Liquor stores may not sell milk.
  16. It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
  17. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
  18. The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
  19. Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
  20. It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
  21. It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
  22. It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
  23. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
  24. It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
  25. It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
  26. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
  27. Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by Bjork.
  28. It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
  29. It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.

Famous Tanzanians[edit]

  • Maepkang Miti
  • Freddy Mercury
  • Three Wise Bantu's
  • Sooper Retard!!1