Teddy Roosevelt

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Teddy Roosevelt.

Teddy "Tenacious D" Roosevelt was a former president of the United States, the only man cloned and sold as a stuffed animal to become president, and loved nothing more than articles written about his kickass person. Bully!

Teddy "Tenacious D " Roosevelt enjoying a game of “breaking the newspaper with my forehead." This was Tenacious D's favorite game.


Paco Lebroski was born to Jaun Lebroski, and his partner, Russell Crow. They soon changed his name to Teddy Roosevelt, because it was easy to tell he was an illegal immigrant. Roosevelt began his exciting and psychedelic life in a sleepy Midwestern town known as Teddytown. Teddytown is home to all people named Teddy in America. A resident of Teddytown is known as a "Teddy". Teddytown is also the world's leading producer of Teddy bears, or "Teddies" as the Teddies call them. Surprisingly, Teddies are the leading export of Teddytown, closely followed by Teddies. Teddytown is the only town in America whose leading export is its population and whose second leading export is children’s' toys. Teddies are very fond of their teddies and the teddies feel likewise about their master teddies. Despite the excessive repitition encountered regarding everything "Teddytown", the citizens manage to maintain a profound respect for originality, and are constantly coming up with new and exciting ways to sell teddy bears....as if it really friggen matters.

Some people you would typically see at Teddytown.

It is not known if the inhabitants or their pets wear "teddies" to attract persons of the opposite faux-fur.

Early Career[edit]

He left Teddytown quite early in life, roaming the country with his big blue ox "Babe", planting colleges with each swoop of his mighty axe. He then conquered and subjugated the Martians on May 1st, 1889, a day that would forever be known as "Flag Day". He put them all to work creating rubberized boot soles. His brutal mastery would cause them all to die of cholera. Saddened over the loss of his Martian-based sole business, he turned to singing.

Teddy began his singing career in the midst of America's "Pansy Age". During this time the general populace was feeling quite wishy-washy, and was susceptible to even slight emotional appeal, the result being that his "Roose-svelte" songs caused hundreds to faint in every theatre he played in. This wild success ran out on Teddy when the bullying nation of Germany called America "a bunch of pussies" and stole our lunch money. America's population, now enamored with Teddy's manliness decided to take a more Teddy-esque view upon life.

Teddy or Tenacious D as his friends knew him as then grew his moustache. Tenacious D, a fan of the Spaniards, referred to his mustache as a bigote, the Spanish word for mustache. Tenacious D and his bigote grew as a symbol of manliness and the American Spirit and men, women and children in America began growing bigotes.

Leading By Example[edit]

Master Roosevelt has always been ( and will remain ) one of the great American sportsmen. He commonly hunted deer, coyotes, and every single mother f***ing elephant in North America, resulting in their extinction. One of his most well known hunting escapades was in his early twenties ( during the flagrant mustache period ) when one day he and his hunting partner Duke Nukem were laying slaughter to the godless killing machines known as[bears. As they rumbled on through the woodland, a group of grizzlies made the last mistake of their lives by attacking the grandiose Mr. Roosevelt.

He obviously decimated them, their families, and simultaneously conquered the greater part of France. Seeing the carnage, Duke Nukem wet himself, and ran off to hide in the video game world forever. At that instant, T.R. spotted a single bear cub on the ground, trying to summon a Level 3 Runescape punk. Realizing what had to be done, the majestic Theodore tore the head off the runt and consumed it's innards with a dash of paprika, thus giving him the name Theodore "( Supreme Obliterator of the ) Teddy " Roosevelt.

Such examples of greatness would prove vital later on, when Teddy decided to rule America.

Presidential Years[edit]

After gaining this popularity Tenacious D decided to drop his musical career and his mustache career and entered a life of politics.

He was elected president in a landslide victory. This, of course, was the biggest landslide victory in American History for the sole fact that Tenacious D killed his opponent with a physical landslide, that he, himself, created with the help of some TNT. The next year the TNT community received a generous grant from the federal government. Currently, Tenacious D is the only president to win an election by murdering his opponent with a man-induced landslide.

Tenacious D soon became known as the most hardcore of the American Presidents. He was known for his self-destructive antics, such as charging up San Juan Hill in Cuba not for military reasons, but rather for the "rush" he felt. Tenacious D also became the first president on record to skydive on a unicycle over a volcano while in a coma. Once He had his aides shoot himself before a speech in 1912, just to show to the crowd how hardcore he was. He also severely disabled his nephew, Frankie, after stage-diving onto him after an opiate-induced impromptu speech on top of the White House. To spare the family embarrassment, the disability was blamed on polio. Nowadays, experts would label Tenacious D as emo because he found enjoyment in pain and suffering. Currently, Tenacious D is the only emo president on record.

As President, Roosevelt acknowledged the influence Germany had on him in his early life so, in his infinite manliness, he vowed to swim the diameter of the Atlantic Ocean to Europe and then run to Germany from the beaches of France. He did so in record time, killing Archduke Franz Ferdinand in the process. Tenacious D, in all his manliness, blamed it on a foreigner.

At night, Tenacious D would sleep in a bathtub full of oil of vitriol to perk up his loins. This is how he became known for his "Big Stick" diplomacy.

Post-Presidency and Death[edit]

After his term ended, Tenacious D went on to many adventures, such as defeating a lion in hand-to-hand combat, forming the Devil's Tower National Monument, and creating the world's first cyclotron. The highlight of his later years came when he was the top contender for the starring role for the 1927 film The Jazz Singer, only to meet with bitter disappointment when he lost it to Al Jolson, that reekin' bastard!

He died in Piscataway, New Jersey, at the age of 60, when a carelessly tossed lemon-scented napkin pierced his aorta and he subsequently exploded with white-hot rage regarding the ridiculousity of the situation.

The Roosevelt Legacy[edit]

Presidential historians continue to debate as to whether Teddy Roosevelt or Andrew Jackson should be awarded the status of Most Badass Chief Executive. The men's performances as measured by the standard criteria of Genociding of Native Peoples, Overt Racism, Gratuitous Militarism, and Chugging Contests are virtually indistinguishable. Jackson, of course, founded Jacksonville, Florida. Tenacious D on the other hand dug the Panama Canal by hand. Noted historian Stephen Ambrose proposed settling the matter over a game of Yahtzee one night, but no one wanted to play with him. He played online backgammon instead, but ended up losing every game, including a game to the Bubonic Plague.