Note: This article was dictated by the spirits through an ouija board. Hello W E * A R E * L E G I O N ) W E * L O V E * T A M I A * H I L L * F U C K * A L I C I A * K E Y S ) T H E * F L Y I N G * S P A G H E T T I O S * M O N S T E R * I S * G O D ) S M O O N I E I S M * I S * T H E * T R U E * R E L I G I O N Goodbye
Telepathy is the alleged process by which someone can read the thoughts of other persons. For example, you are thinking of Charlie Brown. Well, you are now. This is another thing telepathy can do, it can transmit thoughts into the minds of others. According to X-Men comics, the use of telepathy causes a sort of wobbly purple halo to form around the head, though this has been disputed.
The term telepathy was first coined by psychic researcher Praho Fywiner in 1999, but pre-coined in the Nineteenth century by researchers using precognition. Prior to this, the phenomenon was refered to as "thought transference", "mental radio" or "bullshit".
There are two ways to test for psychic powers. Firstly, has the subject's mental abilities been the focus of a TV special? If so, then the subject is indeed psychic.
The second way uses zener cards. The tester makes a huge pile of these cards, shuffles them and looks through them one by one, while the testee tries to read the tester's mind. The testee traditionally sits behind the tester and promises not to peek.
Uses For Telepathy
A telepath could be the world's greatest salesman, diplomat, poker player, politician, psychologist, cult leader, con man, supervillain, superhero or detective the world has ever known. Instead, they make their money from psychic hotlines and appearance fees on talk shows. The reason for this has to do with the World Telepath Association's ethical guidelines:
- Do not use your psychic powers for evil, unless your name begins with a z, or you are named after a mental illness ( Dr. Psycho, Count Phobia, Professor Depression, etc ).
- Do make espouse an ill-defined, vaguely hippy-flavoured lovey dovey worldview, unless the Pentagon is hiring you, in which case talk up the possibility of assassinating more Al Qaeda leaders with a dowsing rod.
- Do not read the mind of Burt Reynolds. He deserves better.
- Do not work for a living. What are you, stupid? Oh yeah, you ARE!