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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Telephone.

Phones are illegal you know. Yes they are. You didn't know? GASP! You're going down boy!

“My phone has my life on it. If you found my phone, would you look through it?” – Annoying Girl on phone advert The answer to that is... yes I would!! OBV!!

I would take all the photos on it, copy them to my PC, print them off then send them as spam to the rest of the world pretending to be you. Then I would make Illogicopedia articles about every person in your phone book and then add the word fnurdles in the middle of them all. Then I would prank call the emergency services and you will be the one to blame for all the cats falling out of the trees HAHAHAHA!!!

And then I would sell it for 3p on the Indian market.