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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Television.


In Soviet Russia, television watches YOU!

~ Russian Reversal on television

TV, You watch it

~ Captain Obvious on television
DVB: Demonic Video Broadcasting?

A television ( also known as televideo and the idiot box ) is a special mind-control device developed by Oprah and Nintendo in an attempt to take over the world using subliminal messages with white trash and computer animated plumbers. The actual technology was invented by famed scientist Ray Combs. The technology is especially well suited to a special breed of idiots, such as Pro Sports Fans.

Televisions are magical boxes with pictures and sound. Televisions have been known from time to time to corrupt people and shoot politicians. Televisions tell everybody to be kill, apart from the times they tell people to be aliens. They are really good at keeping sad acts company, and rewarding dorks with flashing lights and funky music every time they kill innocent babies and give lots of men pleasure with their tongues and foreskins, or lack thereof.

Some philosophers have taken the view of Heidegger, who teaches that television, similar but not totally unlike language, lives. It is advised that one visits his or her local pest-control center to take appropriate measures against them. Television can lead to serious problems, such as lack of intelligent thought.


Television ( or TV ) was originally a device used by infants in the developed world for looking at breasts, a role undertaken in earlier decades by National Geographic magazine. Parents often use Television as a means of delivering material unpopular with the FCC to their children.

Jesse Jackson invented Television in 1907 under serendipitous circumstances at the High-energy Magic Institute ( HEMI ). The original objective of Jesse Jackson's research group was the invention of a 1920s Style Death Ray for use against the occupants of the 7th floor cold-water flat that would one day become the birthplace of Hitler's Germany.

An early "Flipper" book. Aww, that Kramer!

Before Television, early broadcast sitcoms were known as "Flippers". Simply put, actors would act their dramedy on a stage somewhere in Virginia in slow motion. Several sketch artists ( usually triplets so they were all in sync ) would draw out the motions of the actors and then combind all those pages into a old-timey flipbook. Then by use of the Pony Express, the Flippers would be sent out to the masses to be viewed on a weekly basis. This is how current soap opera actress Susan Lucci got her start.

In 1900, Thomas Edison discovered the television by building a large light bulb,and placing one radio inside. In later decades a Scotsman even Scotland cares little about claimed to have invented it and was sentenced to beheading by the reigning Queen. Edison theorized this discovery could increase light bulb sales and simultaneously be used to educate the general public about important political and social issues. He was drawn and quartered by the Freemasons before this dangerous information could be given to the general public.

The very first television show ever made was the German animated children's program, "Das Schulgebäude füllte mit der Ausbildung und Musik, die mit Kindern, aber populär sind, nicht ihren Eltern" which ran for only one season, [AD|1934]] - 35.

Quite a mystery... Holmes, get here away, right... I mean, right away!

In the summer of 1936, America got its first television program, The Top Secret Show, broadcast only to a tight fraternity of electronics executives. Curious onlookers emerged after the Saturday Evening Palimpsest published a plan to make your own TV out of discarded eyeglasses and old cat food cans. Teams of lawyers in white-piped vests roved the East Coast smashing these apparatus until The Top Secret Show left the air in the fall of 1937, with Edna still bedridden.

At this time, TV could only provide a decent picture of a person if he or she were smoking. This was often fatal for the participants, who had to be dressed in flash paper costumes to provide enough visual interest to keep the camera operator from nodding off.Another common complaint against early TV was the viewers not inconciderable risk of sudden head explosion as documented in the Pulitzer prizewinning Videodrome.

In 1969, Monty Python's Flying Circus debuted on British television and Pythonism became the official religion of TV Land.

No shit on TV.

Later, in 1977, Rupert Murdoch acquired TV in a hostile takeover from former owners Ministry of Truth as part of a cultural syndication package deal. Those who rallied against this development were subsequently rounded up by squads of reality television camera crews and herded into vast underground 'diary rooms',doused in kerosene and set ablaze by the staff of Fox News Channel while Mr Murdoch sat in a black leather swivel chair and fondled a variety of small white kittens. The resulting video footage won America's Funniest Home Videos' $20,000 grand prize.

Some time in 1989 kids in USA had received seizures from a Pokemon episode entitled 'Terror Soldier Porygon2!' later followed up by Japanese children in a Pokemon episode entitled 'Electric Soldier Porygon!'.

TV Today[edit]

Oh a classic the Television, where would America be with out the dumbest entertainment and the most brain washing. With all these new things coming out every day,

Hi, My name a Borat
  • TiVo
  • Direct Tv
  • Comcast
  • Pay per view adds

...and many other additions coming out while you are reading but is there the fact that we are really going to get stupid by these so called "BrAiN wAsHiNg DeViCeS" I don't think that we are really affected!

Beware the televisions may eat u if you watch them![edit]

Brain Washing?[edit]

The correct term for brain washed is; some one who is a nerd, gets takin' to the back of a dark alley, and a bunch of gangsters beat the living daylight out of him causing him to be retarded, or not remember anything and become under ones spell...

But how can the brain wash term connect to television, it can't my friend. so sit back and watch t.v. all you want, become a couch potato for all i care. live the American dream, be fat, lazy, hemeroids, and other diseases.

"We have taken some test subjects and put them in rooms. we took 1 smart person and stuck him in a room with the cartoons on. after 5 hours he came out going, "deh, de, duh" so we concluded that he became a mentally retarded idiot, not brain washed."
"We took a stupid person that had watched t.v. all his life and stuck him in a room with a book for 5 hours, after he came out he was so confused because he had never seen a book in his life, he didn't even know how to open it..."

Brainwashing and How to Prevent It[edit]

As you've seen and heard, the television is a tool used by the government to hypnotize the masses into doing their bidding ( whatever that may be ). The television uses subliminal messages to tell people what to do, and once the person does it they are rewarded by a series of bright lights and high pitched sounds. This process of demand and reward slowly brainwashes the idiot dumb enough to get caught in its trap. When the watcher reaches a state of worship to the TV, or "king box" as they call it, they are called TV junkies. Eventually they will become a mindless slave to Oprah or Spongebob Squarepants.

The only way to prevent this condition is to NOT START IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you are reading this, and think that you can watch it without getting brainwashed, my clinja WILL GET YOU.

If you know someone who is a TV junkie, the only way to cure him is through a complex process. First you must isolate the victim from his TV, until he can live without the TV. This might take 3-7 days of intense solitary and rehabilitation. To test to see if your target is rehabilitated yet, show it an unplugged TV. If the junkie calls it his "precioussss", there's more work to be done. When the target forgets who Oprah, Spongebob Squarepants, or George Bush is, he is cured.


  • The Very first commercially available TV set cost 7 and a half cents to make and retailed for $140.
  • TV was first punched by Russell Crowe in 1912, after Arthur C. Clarke made Russell Crowe in 1911.
  • There is a planet called TV Seti that has eternal sunshine,happy people,no racism,no fighting,no war and where everybody loves each other.
  • This is not that planet.We all think you`re shit.
  • TV promotes donuts as high in fat as part of the 1991 US government Fat Fucks across America program to maintain the US global dominance in obesity.
  • The Simpsons are controlling the network with popularity, you learn many unnecessary things, but hey maybe this will come in handy later on in life, "ummmmmm, donuts!"
  • In Airstrip One, Television Watches YOU!
  • More people in Africa die from falling TV sets than are trampled by Hippos.
  • The second most ideal time for watching a television show is 7:17 PM CST ( 1:17GMT ). Researchers are working on discovering the most ideal time at this very moment.
  • TV holds the record for the highest number of deaths shown on TV, second only to smart bomb camera footage.
  • In Korea only old people watch "you got mail" with Tom Hanks on television.
  • YouTube kills television in the year 2022.
  • Evil Edna the Wicked Witch from popular LSD-influenced children's series Will o' The Wisp was a television set. Just goes to show, dunnit?
  • watching porno DVDs on the TVs in electrical shops is frowned upon in most countries.

WARNING: Everything you see on TV is TRUE. TV is the only visual medium noted for its complete lack of shit.

Popular TV Shows[edit]

  • Braxton Family Values
  • The Hills of Home
  • Schoolhouse Rock
  • Everybody has A General Feeling of Dislike Towards Bonnie Hunt
  • Angry Ovaries
  • Big Cook Little Cook
  • The Blackthornes
  • Carlow Crab
  • Farscape--also note failed prequel series Star Gate.
  • Lost
  • Male Reproductive System: Attorney At Law
  • Match Game
  • Mythbusters
  • Super Confetti Magic Man
  • Heroes
  • T and Biscuits

Television is widely used to brain wash people into eating small monkeys that steal your socks at night.