Thanksgiving

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Thanksgiving.

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Thanksgiving day, also known as 'Stupid Pilgrim's day', is a pagan celebration of the day food was invented, held by Americans, Canadians, Uglo-Americans and certain areas in Japan that just want to suck american cock by copying everything that gay bears do. It also happens to be America's only holiday that celebrates the anniversary of the murdering and raping of native Americans, proceeding to kick them off their land, and force them into small reservations. Afterwards pilgrims raided their tepees and gorged on all their food. But we refuse to tell our children that, but instead help them put together shitty first grade plays about the "First Thanksgiving".

It is usually celebrated on the threety-second of November, and is one of America's 150 officially (and 215 unofficially) recognized gorging holidays, in which every resident is required to eat until food oozes from at least 4 orifices. Failure to comply with this law (Gluttony vs. Common Sense (1953)) results in the perpetrator being forced to watch football. And as you all know we pretend to give thanks and be thankful, but we should really be thankful is that they didn't kill us all for taking all their land. So why don't we all face the truth and call it "never trust the noobs day".

History[edit]

The first recorded instance of a Thanksgiving celebration (then known as "Operation Fool the Indians") occurred in 1578, when colonist George Burns held a feast for his English compatriots to celebrate their safe passage across the Atlantic. The colonists, who had survived the early part of the journey by eating the Scottish passengers aboard the ship, arrived starving on the mainland. Further colonists arrived in 1621, where they were welcomed by the Native Americans, who donated enough turkey, cranberries and Jack Daniels to ensure the colonists' survival during their winter hibernation. We're all pretty sure there was something to do with a rock named Plymouth, but who can really tell?

The French Toast colonists who arrived on the same voyage went on to found New Orleans and then New New Orleans where they still celebrate Mardi Gras (lit: "anorexic Wednesday") in celebration of the English colonists' awakening in the Spring. To this day, the spices used in cajun cooking work well with any meat that tastes a little bit like pork. The French still refer to the English as "les Ros Bifs" (lit: the roast beef). The English refuse to eat the French as they have no taste.

The Germ colonists were already familiar with, what they called, Dankgeben - meaning thank giving. The idea of giving multiple thanks being, to them, quite eccentric and frivalous. So they decided to play along and plot the demise of the other colonists with the help of their Prussian efficiency. Although modern accounts tell of them spending the majority of their time perfecting and eating apple strudel.

The first officially recognized Thanksgiving day occurred in 1777, when the Pokemon taught the Jedi how to harvest crops.

Years later, after Washington had become President of the United States of America and Grand Poobah of America Junior, he again declared Thanksgiving day, this time to distract the public from the ensuing 'wooden teeth' scandal (with the tell-tale splinters found on the blue dress) in which he was embroiled.

Though it was many years before Thanksgiving day became an officially recognized holiday in either America or Canada, many politicians used it sporadically as a way of appeasing or distracting the public from their nefarious actions.

It became an annual holiday in the United States of America in 1863, and in Canada in 2001.


Most people don’t know the true origin of Thanksgiving, contrary to popular belief it began in the penal system not on Plymouth Rock. Long ago inmates used to work all year to make shanks and once a year they would shank each other; typically the fourth Thursday in November. It was a joyous event known as Shanksgiving; however due to the high number of inmate deaths they instead began saving food and giving that to each other. The tradition slowly evolved into the holiday we know today as Thanksgiving. It is also noteworthy that as the English language modernized so did the pronunciation to the commonly accepted Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!