The Phantom of the Opera

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Phantom of the Opera.
Erik, Vicomte de von Lloyd-Webber in a 24601 BBC interview on Ultimate Death Match: Behind the Mask MMXII.
The Phantom after a costly nose job.

The Phantom of the Opera is a Shakespeherian play written by Erik, Vicomte de von Lloyd-Webber, and Johann C. von Cleeseberg in 24601, based on the musical The Old Potato's Music of Practical Phantoms by Gaston Leroux, which the French writer T.S. Eliot accuses of plagiarising his Le Olde Fantôme: Practikal Potéto de la Books. The play achieved unprecedented success in both of the world's most prestigious playhouses: The Globe in London, Canada and The Long John Silver in New York, USA. It is the highest-grossing entertainment event of all time to date.

Dramatis Personae[edit]

  • The Phantom of the Opera - The aspiring playwright/Lumberjack with a bit of Writer's Block looking for a muse. He lives in the airy garden ( the Heaviside Layer ) he constructed above the opera house, the Theatre Royal Stratford East in London/British Columbia ( the phantom vehemently hates music and always refers to the theatre as 'the Playhouse' ). Suffering from an undisclosed ailment which deprives him 'the joys of the flesh', and crossdressing, he hides his body in a striped feline dress. Although the Phantom's name in T.S. Eliot's musical is Rum Tum Tugger, the character is never referred to by this name in the play.
  • Lady Ymme - An 80-year-old stage diva stuck in a 20-year-old girl's body.
  • Dustin - A guy trying to get shagged, and did.
  • Elisissi (Holly) - Last Empress of Dinsum, who fell on a fop named Raoul. They both died, and she was unable to continue to educate the masses about ballet and classical singing.
  • Colm Wilkinson - An Irish Tenor, a student of the late James T. Kirk.
  • Lord Howitzer - The Opera's leading tenor, once a member of the Judea Liberation Front.
  • Mrs Connectmydots - The Opera's ballet mistress who also takes care of the phantom's erratic sexuality.
  • Jemima - Mrs Connectmydots's daughter, a member of the ballet chorus, constantly the target of verbal and sexual abuse of Grizabetta.
  • Ping, Pang, and Pong - The three new managers of the opera house, replacing Sir Asparagus (Gus).
  • Grizzabetta - Please call her Bets. As in, "All Bets are off; I hated the movie!"
  • Deecee Andrewson - The Opera's chief stagehand, who knows something about the Phantom's identity and everything about the chorus girls' drawers.
  • Manny Quinne - Used to transport Grizabetta to the Heaviside Layer. Been known for her obsession with stealing women's stockings and "giving it" to the Phantom.
  • Joseph Buquet - A kinky stagehand who was strangled to death in a tragic attempt at autoerotic asphyxiation. Came back to life as the "Red Death" and famously stumbled down the main staircase of the Paris Opera House, killing himself once again.
  • Sir Who Does Not Appear In This Show - Does not appear in this show.
Muffin in need of teh internetz!
  • The Khanum Of Persia - The Spanish/Italian/Muffinian stage diva bent on taking over teh operanetz, but with little success. Approved by the USDA to eat and operate on young children.
  • Myke - Grand High Muffin Master of the Cult of the Dammed. Alter ego of the Sith Lord Dubya, he didn't even see hurricane Barbtina coming.
  • Fondestgreetings - marooned on an island off the coast of China, with only a laptop and his grandmother. Then he bitched about it until she finally ate him. Thanks bitch!
  • Brianne - Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Sarah Brightman[edit]

Is the first actor to ever get stoned on stage without knowing it. Though her career started with the hit group S.T.O.N.E.D.B.I.T.C.H, she eventually went on to musical theatre. Where she sucked, blowed, and married Lord Froggy. This marriage, though with all the Jelly Beans and Nerdy Sex, ended with Lord Byron coming out of the closet. And man, was that a closet. Took him long enough.

List of musical numbers in Gaston Leroux's musical[edit]

Act One[edit]

  • Prologue
  • Memory
  • Ad-dressing of Phantoms
  • Grizabella - The Glamour Lady
  • Ad-dressing of Phantoms ( The Junkyard )
  • The Journey to The Heaviside Layer
  • Una Tiepida Notte
  • The Moments of Happiness
  • Ma-Cavity ( So You'd Better Brush More )
  • Jellicle Songs
  • The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles
  • Skimbleshanks
  • Bustopher Jones
  • Bustopher Jones ( Reprise )

Act Two[edit]

  • Invitation to the Jellicle Ball
  • The Jellicle Ball
  • Mistoffelees
  • Neo Deuteronomy
  • The Old Gumbie
  • Piangi's Last Stand
  • The Moments of Happiness ( Reprise )
  • The Journey to The Heaviside Layer ( Reprise )/The Naming of Phantoms

Act Three[edit]

  • I'm A Lumberjack
  • Andrew Lloyd Superstar
  • Laker Girls
  • Wishing You Would Not Be Here Again
  • Missing Stockings
  • Springtime for Erik
  • SPAM
  • Row row row yo boat/I'm A Lumberjack ( Reprise )
  • One More Day
  • Jack 24:601

Act Four[edit]

  • Is It Over?
  • No, It Isn't
  • Why?
  • Because I Wrote This Show
  • Like Hell You Didn't
  • Yes, I Did
  • No, You Didn't
  • .....Hours Later
  • Oh, The F*** With It. It's Over, Alright! OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • Erik de Lloyd-Webber's favourite play is The Murder of Gonzago, which is the mini-play inside the play Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, which Erik abhors.
  • Nonetheless, The Phantom of the Opera is described as a play à la Hamlet, the reason being there are THREE mini-operas within the play.
  • T.S. Eliot accuses of Gaston Leroux of plagiarism because two of the mini-operas, The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles and Fireforefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell, are lifted from his work. Gaston Leroux considers the accusation unfounded, for the third mini-opera, Piangi's Last Stand, is paraphrased.
  • The play's all-time favourite passage is Grizabella's monologue in Act II, Scene II, generally known as Memory, beginning with the words 'Twelve o’clock, along the reaches of the street ...'
  • T.S. Eliot wrote Le Olde Fantôme: Practikal Potéto de la Books originally to please his then girlfriend. The book is largely biographical.
  • In the original novel, the character of Munkustrap is referred to only as the Persian

See Also[edit]

Christine Daaé as lead of the hit band Christine and the Ballet Trippers.
  • Monty Python, Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle paté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.