“"I did not have sexual relations with that smurf"-”
~ Bill Clinton on Papa Smurf
The Smurfs are a Group of Smurfs common in the Smurftown area of Smurftinent. They describe themselves as Smurfing, and their favorite activities include Smurfing, Smurfing, Smurfing, Smurfing, Smurfing and of course Smurfing.
- 1 Smurf Tribal History
- 2 Reproduction
- 3 Smurfberries
- 4 The Smurf Villagers
- 5 External links
Smurf Tribal History
The smurfs smurfed across the great land smurf from an eastern landsmurf. They were a smurfer and smurferer smurfciety and smurfture and they often smurfed across the smurfteppes of central smurfasia. Smurfly, they smurfveloped into a smurfably smurfcious smurf. During this smurf they smurfed themselves by smurfing and smurfing. And also a little more smurfing!
Unfortunately, the begining of World War I brought instability to the region, and the Smurf homeland was occupied by the Germans. At the wars end, the Treaty of Versailles made no mention of returning the Smurf homelands to them, and the region remained under control of the Soviet Union. Again, in World War II Germans invaded the Smurf homeland. While many Smurfs tried to sign up with the Red Army to fight the Great Patriotic War, Stalin did not realize the tactical advantage of the Smurf recruits, and instead Smurfs were drafted into service as food, were they served with distinction as "being acceptable for consumption after four liters of vodka". After the Great Patriotic War, many Smurfs continued to see service as troop rations, last seeing action in Afghanistan during the 1980's.
Regaining Independence and Smurfnic Cleansing
In 1993 after the break-up of the Soviet Union, inter-ethnic tensions became too strained between the Smurfs and the Snorks. Freed from the totalitarian hand of Communism keeping the two ethnic groups in check, the Smurfs now began to smurf ethnic smurfing upon the Snorks. It began in small ways by Smurfs peeing in the Snorks rivers, but ended up with whole Snork villages being depth-charged, or chemicals such as DDT, LSD and PS2 being dumped in Snork rivers to affect their population.
One Snork smurfsacre began in 1994 when Alcoholic Smurf was found with a vodka bottle smurfed up his smurf. Still drunk, he claimed he'd been smurfed by a gang of Snorks, who smurfed him and smurfed the bottle up his smurf without using lubrication, leading to smurf tearing and internal smurfing. Outraged, the Smurf community went to the nearby Snork community and proceeded to smurf over two-hundred Snork men, women, and tadpoles. Later, when he'd smurfed up and found out what had happened, Alcoholic Smurf tearfully admitted that when he got drunk he'd smurfed the bottle up his own smurf for fun, and he'd smurfed the claim about being smurfxually assaulted by Snorks to avoid embarassment from his fellow Smurfs.
Papa Smurf is currently wanted by the U.N. for crimes against humanity, or specifically Snorks. However, no one cares, so no action has been taken. Some countries even make false claims about the entire existence of Smurfs, including the United States of America who alledge that there are no such things as Smurfs and they're only a product of the Hanna-Barbara Studios, and South Korea who also echo this claim, but say it was really the South Koreans who should take credit for the fabrication of the Smurf race, as they're the ones who drew all those cartoons in their animation sweatshops.
smurfs and sex
- smurfs have always smurfpeared to be A-sexual, as they don't smurf readily visible sexual organs. Michelle goncalves, creator of all STDs, HAS, though, found their sex organs and put them in parts of her for pleasure. So Gay, and also a little sexy
Information about indigenous Smurf social culture is smurfy, due to the nomadic and reclusive nature of Smurf Culture. This lack of smurfledge is further smurfplicated by the fact that Smurfy smurfclaves within larger nations have become largely smurflated communities, with Smurfs often adopting local fashions and often even converting to local religions, albeit with Smurfy twists.
Smurf smurfnalists wear distinctive hats which indicate their social station. Black hats indicate smurfs. White hats are worn by smurfs, customer service employees, and teachers. Red hats are worn by those involved in smurfship, or religious smurfthority. During social or cultural situations in which the wearing of hats is not acceptable, many have chosen colored arm bands, or colored buttons as an alternate means of communicating rank to fellow smurfs.
Smurfs appear to have an affinity for puppies, and have a deep, intrinsic hatred of cats of any kind.
When Smurfs have spare time, they tend to, in their words “Smurf each other while Smurfing.” What this means has not been definitively established, due to the difficulty in mastering the subtleties of Smurf dialects.
A little known fact about the Smurfs if the extreme racism within their own ranks. I mean come on look at the show. Hello?
Smurf Name Ritual
Traditional Smurf names are given only to Smurfs who have reached adulthood, in accordance with the principles of Smurflam. ( Rare exceptions are made for particularly precocious children ). In a small but important ceremony, the name is selected by a Smurf's peers, or superiors, and is chosen to reflect an overriding character trait possessed by the named Smurf, or a Smurf's choice of career. Because these names carry deep cultural and symbolic meaning and are considered sacred, they are used for the rest of a Smurf's long life. The exception to this rule occurs if a Smurf undergoes a particularly life altering experience. Under these circumstances, a Smurf is allowed to choose a new name reflecting his new status or outlook, and the old name is politely forgotten.
Some more common Smurf names include:
- Brainy - given to Smurfs who show an aptitude for study and learning. A particularly famous Brainy is brain trust to the notorious Warlord-Religious figure Papa Smurf.
- Vanity - given to the first homosexual smurf in his village to come out of the closet. ( Smurf do not have homophobic social Taboos, having been led by popular gay chiefs like "Harmony The Tuneful" and Queen "Sassette". )
- Hefty - A popular name given to Fat Smurfs. If they lose weight, they're allowed to change their name to "Hungry".
- Bloody - Many Smurf Warriors adopt this name.
- Devourer of Souls - See above.
- Vblurgy - When the namers are high on acid, this happens. Don't ask why. Just don't. Trust us.
- Floggy - Smurf torture experts are given this name.
One of the most famous examples of the Smurf naming Ritual is that of Papa Smurf. His original Smurf name was "Wanderer", given because he left his childhood home to find meaning in the world. After his conversion to Smurfism, he was blessed by Grandpa Smurf with the name "Papa", which he has used ever since.
Non Smurfs who spend time with a community of Smurfs are often awarded ( or "smurfed" ) with a Smurf name of their own, to make public their acceptance by the Smurf race. Santa Claus, for example, is called "Killy", as befits his murderous ways. Kyle's Mom is called "Big Ol' Smurfin' Good Time" for her particular and unspecified attributes and talents.
Smurfs have a strange blue appearance, though as to why they are colored in such a manner is still being analyzed. It is theorized that the Smurf’s coloring is caused by a variety of factors, among these being environment, diet, and survival purposes.
It is a common misconception that their white hats and booties are for solidarity; they are in fact to prevent the transmission of scurvy.
To this date it is unclear what color a Smurf will turn when strangled.
Due to this blue colour the smurf ice-cream is also blue. It is not due to colourings or flavours as it is completely natural.
Understanding the Smurf language ( it is unrelated to any major Language Family, ) it uses the same character set as Polish ( 32 letters and various punctuation marks ), as well as an eerily similar syntax and structure. However, linguists insist that what similarities Smurfanese does contain to groupings such as the Indo-Europeans language family, are due to borrowed words, and not to origin. The usage of English characters and style is, in their words, "a coincidence."
Because of their language's complexity, Smurfs have often been forced to be multi-lingual in order to communicate with a world unable or uninterested in learning to speak as they do. Very often, Smurf communities have all but abandoned their native tongue, and young smurfs assimilated into more dominant cultures speak a mixture of the mother tongue and Smurfanese. ( For example, in English speaking countries, this odd dialect is called "Smurnglish". See also the weird mixture of Smurfanese, English and Spanish called Smanglish )
Smurfanese is a highly complex language with over 25 recognized dialects. The standard written language consists of roughly 30% words borrowed from other languages, and 70% words which are all variations upon the Smurfanese word "Smurf", which has many hundreds of simultaneous possible meanings. The word can mean "Smurf", an ethnic member of a smurf tribe; it can mean "Smurf", an epithet intended to convey disgust; it can mean "Smurf", or an unspecified action dependent on a specific contextual event. It can even mean "Smurf", a word that describes a variety of emotions, ranging from lust, love, hatred, depression, and happiness.
As the reader may deduce, intonation, context and gesture, rather than any literal definition of a word, conveys meaning and complex thought. The myriad of subtleties has made it difficult for all but the linguistically gifted to master this complicated tongue. An example of the complexites of the Smurf tongue:
- Smurfanese: "Smurf me! I smurfed that that Smurf would smurf it, as smurf as a smurfy Smurf could smurf of Smurfing a smurf!"
- English translation: Dear God! I realized how wrong your research was when I tested your theory in laboratory conditions. You sir must consider revising your methods."
Smurf reproduction has been whimsically referred to as one of the Wonders of the World, and as it remains a largely mysterious process, this description is apt. Genetic tests prove that Smurfs are certainly mammalian primates, evolving into highly intelligent beings from a branch of the Hominid family not directly connected to Homo Sapiens, and therefore it is assumed that their mating culture conforms to the behavior exhibited by other primates, including Humans.
The relatively sparse female population is an odd fact that cannot easily be dismissed. Considering the large numbers of Smurfs worldwide, and that the only female smurf ever studied for extended periods of time has never been observed mating, or pregnant, it is difficult to make generalizations about the process. Smurfs explain their population using an enigmatic expression from the Smurflamic holy book, the Smurfnomicon: "Smurfs are smurfed into life".
So far, no known "smurfing" between female and male Smurfs has been recorded by scientists. Rare baby smurfs do appear in public, but usually it seems as though Smurfs come into existence fully grown ( though there are occasionally small children. ) What is known is that Smurf Females undergo curious changes during puberty that does not appear to have a reflective transformation in Smurf males. As it is unique among mammalian species, it is worth making note of here. In summary:
- During childhood, Smurf females universally have floppy noses and Black hair, a dazed, drugged out expression, and bad shoes. They are capricious and known to befriend evil wizards.
- When a Smurfette reaches full maturity, She suddenly transforms. Her feet acquire high heels, her nose becomes smaller, and her hair instantly becomes long, and blond, and she becomes a metaphorical nexus through which feminist critique of patriarichal society is completely justified, if not utterly obvious.
It has also been suggested that the aforementioned mature female smurf is a sort of Queen, reproducing asexually every few years, and only providing another female when she feels her life force ebbing away, an effort which ( un )fortunately kills her in a lovely monttage of blood, gore and exploding organs.
It has also also been suggested that this has already happened and, noting the lack of bloated torso or vestigal appendages, the current Queen Smurf is barren and this strange group of mushroom dwelling elf-like creatures is destined to become extinct within a few short, sad years.
It has also also also been suggested that the Smurfs are simply immortal, perhaps the physical manifestation of some manically depressed, otherwordly badger.
Smurfberries are the seeded fruit of the poppy-like smurfberry bush. They are found inside the Red flowers, and when ripe can be processed for a variety of uses. This sweet, edible berry has a curious taste due to the enormously high level of TSC ( TetraSmurfoCannabinol ), a psychoactive chemical agent with a strong narcotic effect. The Smurfberry is historically difficult to cultivate, requiring very specific soil composition and temperatures. Because of this, there was little profit in large-scale production and trades related to cultivation remained cottage industries. However, during the 1890s cultivation methods improved dramatically, and it is now possible to grow Smurfberry bushes in regions beyond Russo-Scandinavian ecosystems.
In small amounts, the chemical reaction to TSC is no more dangerous than strong alcohol. It creates an euphoric feeling when eaten, and the urge to sing La-la-la versions of Russian classical compositions, while dancing is a commonly reported side effect. Traditionally, the berries were crushed into paste, mixed with water, and allowed to ferment into a tangy Beer. This beer was a popular trade good that sustained many thousands of itinerant smurf communities. With the advent of modern processing techniques, Smurfberry products have grown more threatening.
During the 1910s, the Smurfist sect developed a highly concentrated extract of Smurfberry called "Smurphine", a paste that is mixed into a potion which is then drunk by Smurfists in enormous quantaties. The effect is a near coma-like state of euphoria, coupled with a prosaic detachment from the world, in which almost any act is considered accetable for the greater purpose of life. It is used during Smurfist meditative rituals to achieve spirtual enlightenment, and Smurfist warriors are known to consume Smurphine prior to combat. Smurfists emigrating to other nations brought the practice with them, which spread usage beyond the smurf community, increasing demand for the berry, and the profits of those who cultivate it.
The Smurf community has been relatively silent about the actual social ills caused by the usage of this chemical, especially as the Smurfberry is considered an integral part of being a Smurf. However, researchers agree that the Smurphine addiction in Smurf communities has had devastating societal cost.
In the mid 1980s, a sudden increase in Smurfberry extract-related deaths alarmed the western world. The cause of these deaths was quickly linked to a deadly new form of Smurphine with intoxicative powers previously unimagined. When mixed with impure dillutive agents such as sugar, partially hydrogentated preservatives, and artifical flavors and sweeteners, Smurphine paste congeals into a hardened, brittle, rock-like bulb. These unnaturally sweetened rocks can be eaten ( when mixed with milk ), or crumbled into powder and snorted. Because of their brittle quality and the practice of crushing the rocks, this dangerous new high is called "Smurfberry Crunch". Smurfberry Crunch is widely known for the tremendous, though short lived high. It is dangerously habit forming, and the effect on the human brain is severe. Some addicts have lapsed into near catatonic states, repeating rhymes like "Smurfberry Crunch is fun to eat..." over and over and over.
Smurf ghettos populated by so-called "Crunchheads", gang violence and an increase in national healthcare costs are just a few of the social ills associated with Smurfberry Crunch. The threat to nation and family alike is considered so great, that alleged distribution and production of Smurfberry Crunch is one of the justifications for sanctions and possible military attack against [Papa Smurf's Smurf Village, Presented to the United Nations by Condoleeza Rice in July, 2005.
The Smurf Villagers
“All your smurf are belong to Smurf”
~ Papa Smurf on Smurf
By far, the most famous Smurfs are the terrifying residents of Smurf Village, a mountainous stronghold surrounded on 3 sides by the Himalayas, and bordered by the River Styx. These brutal warlords are adherents of the Smurflamic splinter sect of Smurfism. Whipped into a blind fervor by the consumption of massive amounts of Smurphine, their willingness to commit any atrocity in the defense of the Smurf race has made the crimes of their smurf kinsmen pale by comparison. They follow the orders of their leader, Papa Smurf without question. During lulls in war making, they are rumored to engage in ritualistic sex with their high priestess, Smurfette.
Smurfs of all tribes and affiliations have been employed as mercenaries, usually by nations seeking to distance themselves from the brutal necessities of wars of conquest. However, it is the Smurfists who are by far the most proliffically active in world conflict. By contrast to other Smurf tribes, the Smurfist code states plainly that while Smurfists are free to sell their services to anyone, the employers must be working actively in the pursuit of policies convergent, or at least sympathetic, to the goals of the Smurfists. In many cases, Smurfists have gone from mere hired guns, to allies outright, most notably in the recent War on Terra. Initially hired guerrilla Storm Troops on behalf of leader Mother Nature, Smurfists are now believed ( sans direct evidence ) to be allied officially with Terra.
Smurfists have also been employed in other unusual places:
- By Soviet Russia during the Russian occupation of Afghanistan.
- During the Kosovo Conflict for the Serbs.
- By Pepsico during the infamous Iran-Cola Affair of the 1980s.
Smurfological Weapons and Warfare
“We have the technology and capability to produce smurfological weaponry.”
~ Papa Smurf on weapons
Even though in the past there has been proof of smurfological weaponry and its use against the Smurfs warlike neighbor Gargamel, today the UN will not accept there is a danger from the Smurfs possession of smurfological weapons, even though thirteen resolutions have been passed stating the Smurfs must disarm and give evidence to the IAEA that their smurfological weapons have been de-activated, and that no new smurfological weapons programs are taking place. Papa Smurf has issued statements that the Smurfs have de-activated their smurfological weapons back in 1995, but have offered no evidence that they have done such.
Papa Smurf himself is a practicer of magic, and has used it to do things to Gargamel, though I can't remember what.
The Smurfs short for "Socialist Men Under Red Father" have been know to assist the Kool-Aid man with his evil communist plots. Also Papa Smurf may or may not be a direct descendent of Karl Marx.
Rumors of other Smurfological weapons include:
- a time-control device based on quartz crystal technology, considered highly unstable.
- a weather-control machine used to flood or drought adjoining enemy lands.
- a giant cannon used to launch munitions into sub-orbital trajectories, capable of hitting cities on other contients.
- mobile smurfological munitions factories built into the backs of cargo trucks.
- production of weapons-grade hallucinogenic gas, made from the mushrooms they use as houses.
Alliance with Santa
As their ruthlessness and desperation have grown, so too has their fearsome reputation. In 1937, Smurfist Leader Papa Smurf met with a delegation from the Duchy of the Arctic Circle. These accords created a lasting friendship between the two nations, producing a treaty which declared that Smurfs everywhere are considered protectorates of the Duchy. This friendship has been mutually beneficial and practically unshakable - During the 40s, Smurfists were instrumental in putting down the first Keebler Rebellion, and to this day are one of the few Allies in Equal Standing with the Duchy Of The Arctic Circle. Papa Smurf himself. It has also been recently reported by various anynoymous intelligence sources that the Smurfs are preparing an army in alliance with Santa's elves to attack both Rivendell and New York City in retaliation to both Rivendell's failure to protect the ring of power ( which Santa coveted greatly ) and New York City's inability to maintain a winning franchise at any sport. Santa's army of mutant reindeer zombies and Mecha-Smurfs are expected to attack the least-valued spot in New York City, home of the worst pro-basketball franchise ever, the New York Knicks: Madison "Gay Sex" Garden. This alliance is also to combat the recent Keebler Elf uprising that was started by the fudgepackers of the Keebler Tree.