“They are the eggmen.”
~ John Lennon on Them
~ You on Them
~ Van Morrison on Them
“Who are . . .them?”
~ Graham Chapman on Them
Them are usually evil. The world is divided between us and Them ( and after all, we're only ordinary men ). Never trust them. Let them die. That's all you need to know about them.
They are everywhere. You cannot see Them, but They are there, and They cannot be stopped. You and I (We), might as well give up right now. There is no hope for us. They will get us, and nobody will care.
Look, here They come now. Goodbye.
Ha Ha, Just Kidding!
Ha ha, just kidding! They are really great people actually, and wouldn't hurt a fly. Or an Uncyclopedian, for that matter.
Do not fear Them. They will not cause you any discomfort. Did you know that some of your best friends are probably among Them? It's true! They hold great parties as well.
The History of They
They have quite a bit of history, actually. Us and Them, We go way back. Back before you even had the wonderful misfortune to stumble across Uncyclopedia for the first time.
What did They actually do? Besides Your Mom? No, just kidding again! Ha ha!
Seriously, They did all kinds of great stuff. Like, um, they gave to charity and stuff like that. Shit, I don't really remember. It's almost like They brainwashed my memory. But They wouldn't do that now, would They? Nope. They're too good for that.
Who They Are
“That's just what THEY want you to think!”
~ Them on the existance of They
"They" rule the world. This is because when someone asks you "Says who?", you reply "they do". Also, whatever you think, that is just what "they" want you to think. Contrary to popular belief, there is an annual meeting of Them. There ( where you can never be, because then you'd be here not there ), They decide on the rules for the next year. They decide what They want you to believe, what They say, what They think, and who They fuck. But because They are Them, they can never refer to themselves. We is different than they, We includes a conscious You or I, and since You nor I can be with Them, They cannot be Us. This leads to much confusion among Them when They are trying to make a ruling in Their meetings. "We the Committee of They" lead to an overthrow of the regime by the new Them during the Rushid wars, because They announced themselves as We, thereby renouncing their power and shifting the power over to the new Them. The new They, therefore, has yet to figure out how to refer to Themselves.
...Who THEM Are
No, that's not the question! But since you asked:
- The objective case of they. Folks a few ticks shy of 90 IQ use the two words interchangeably.
- ( archaic ) Any alien race or individual from such.
- Large ants that work humans in their sugar mines.
- The vegetable shadow government who control the planet Earth by inserting their fnords into the receipts of all bank transactions and condom purchases.
- The Back Table.
- Has a recurring role in the hit ABC show LOST.
- The bearded old men you see behind the shake machine at McDonald's.
Not to be confused with Those, or Those featuring Van Morrison.
Moving on, the real question is...
...Who They Aren't
I'm glad you asked. Because there are a lot of nasty rumors about Them, so let's put a stop to them now, shall we? No? Then shut up.
They are not:
- Communists ( Okay, not all of Them. Just a few. )
- Chuck Norris
- The Cabal ( After all, there is no Cabal )
- Illuminati ( Because they don't exist either )
- Jimbo Wales ( But some of Them may be part-time Wikipedians )
- Fight Club ( Don't talk about it )
- A Non-Huffable Creature
Who THEM aren't
AAAAAAAAA! Here They come!