Time machine

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Time machine.


Marty McFly, is inventing, or will invent, heck, maybe he already did invent, the Time Machine.

The Time Machine was invented by Marty McFly, Novemeber 5th, 1955. By combining knowledge of Einstein's Special Theory of USB and Superman's ability to fly around the sun backwards at incredible rates, McFly constructed an ant colony called a flux capacitor which, at the speed of 32 MPH, was able to propel any experimental 9999BC vehicle through time, though only to years ending in 5.

An alternative version of the time machine was discovered by Timothy Leary who accidentally dropped a tab of LSD into the gas tank of his Ford Edsel.

Time machines are currently in use by individuals, governments and organizations to change history to alter public opinion and to gather funds in the form of future lottery numbers, game scores and horse race results.

Catholic reaction to the device was cold at best, and it was immediately banned by Pope Marcellus, until McFly traveled back in time to kill the Pope's mother, Sarah Connor. ( NOT EVEN CLOSE ). In the process, McFly changed his name to Calvin Klein, married his father, and fathered excentric actor Crispen Glover.

H.G. Wells, a British author, attempted to repair the timeline damage caused by McFly, but because his one-off, homemade time machine had a station flaw ( it was immobile except for travel through time ), Wells was only able to travel to a future Britain, where the people proved to be ignorant of McFly, Jean Claude Van Damme, Rod Taylor, Bill & Ted, Dr. Evil, Captain Kirk, or any other noteworthy time travelers.

In 1988, Al Gore claimed he invented the Time Machine, and had the patents to prove it. The first to use the new Gore Time Machine was a young rabbit named Donnie Darko. After the Time Machine aided Darko hook up with Jena Malone, the United States government saw potential for the device, which could allow major motion picture makers to utilize it to add a plot to movies with weak scripts, and episodes of "Star Trek: Voyager" .

Douglas de la Haye would later create the first time machine that was able to operate without a flux capacitor.

Patent Problems[edit]

There have been many holders of the Time Machine patent. This is due to the fact that one can simply go back before the first patent was made. The current patent holder is some dude named "Adam".

Further time machine patent difficulties have arisen as a result of individuals coming from the future and allowing unpatented time machines with unique technologies to be used by contemporary people. In 1989, George Carlin brought a phone-booth configured time machine back from the future and allowed San Dimas, California, residents Ted "Theodore" Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esq. to have what they considered to be an "excellent adventure," that resulted in widespread timeline damage that took nearly ten years ( 6.7 seconds relativistic time ) to correct. Bill later changed his name to Alvin when he, Ted "Theodore" Logan, and Simon Garfunkel ( not to be confused with Simon and Garfunkel ) formed The Chipmunks. Thier pitch shifted style would have only been novel 50 years ago, but just sucks today, so they traveled back to 1955 to produce their music. They dissapeared in the late '80s after meeting themselves and George Carlin and will reappear in the future to produce songs that will bring world peace. The movie, The Chipmonks' Excellent Adventure was based on their 1989 meeting with themselves.

The Hello Kitty Style Time Machine Baby
A "doctor," sometimes referred to as "Who," also brought a phone-booth configured time machine back from not only the future, but from a galaxy called "Gallifrey." The individual, who also claimed to be a "Time Lord," failed to properly register his device with the appropriate government agencies, leading to rampant patent and copywrong infringement by Chinese and Korean bootleggers. When questioned, George W. Bush declined to comment on the surprising proceedings.

The most popular time machine for girls is a Hello Kitty themed Portable time machine, known as the Time Machine Baby. Girls have used this to learn secrets about each other and become even bitchier than was ever thought possible

http://www.nostalgiacentral.com/images_tv/tunnel_9.JPG Bill & Ted have an excellent adventure with the Time Tunnel.

Attempts to Change the Past, or the Future, or Whatever the ****[edit]

Albert Einstein claims to have invented the Time Machine after World War II for the purpose of murdering Adolf Hitler before he could start the war. If, by the time you read this, you don't know who Hitler was, you can assume he succeeded. Wenn, bis Sie dieses lasen, Uncyclopedia von Hitler kolonisiert worden ist, dann nahm der Meuchelmörder zum viel high-tech Zahnrad. ( If, by the time you read this, Uncyclopedia has been colonised by Hitler, then the assassin took too much high-tech gear. )

There is video footage of the murder in existence ( consult historical document "Command & Conquer: Red Alert" published by Westwood Studios ), but evidently the Nazis had several Hitler duplicates in storage, as well as a fully functioning Cyborg Hitler, which was superior in many ways to any of the organic versions.

In a recent development Hillary Clinton suggested that wives of abusive, unfaithful or just generally disobedient husbands could use it to go back in time and beat their husbands up when they were too young to fight back as a way of getting revenge, when their husbands did eventually meet them they probably wouldn't realise who it had been and as a result of the beatings would be more passive.

Attempts at Regulation[edit]

H.G. Wells was the first to discover the inherent problems of time travel, including SEHS, Infinite Time Loops and paradoxes. Many paradoxes proved to be irrelevant, due to the actions of infinite multiverses, Wikiverses and divergent timelines.

However, several governmental agencies have since been ( or will be ) created to monitor primary timelines and keep them relatively intact. Timecops were first given power in 2098 A.D. to legislate timeline infractions on Earth. After the creation of the Federation, a clandestine police force was created by Starfleet and used the U.S.S. Relativity to monitor timeline divergence in the Milky Way Galaxy.

Power Generation Difficulties[edit]

So far, except for some experiments with astral projection by Superman and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, no time machine has been built that does not use massive amounts of power.

The 1.21 gigawatts of electricity required to make a time machine move back and forth through time necessitates that there are only three feasible types of power sources to use for a time machine, and one purely ridiculous one. They are ( in no particular order ):

  • Nuclear fission ( Plutonium ) This has been made illegal through efforts by HPEIR.
  • Nuclear fusion ( Mr. Fusion ) This has been made impossible because all research into fusion has been torpedoed by HPEIR.
  • Antimatter ( Wayans-Baldwin Reactor ) This is largely unfeasible due to the scarcity of Wayans Brothers and Baldwin Brothers
  • Zero-Point Energy ( Hal Puthoff } This requires a bucket full of mood rings and an iPod, and a rotating Black Hole, but the exact configuration of these items has yet to be determined.
  • The Force ( Heavy Metal ) This dangerous method involves gaining the powers of a Jedi or a Sith, then severing Tom Cruise's cyborg's head, placing it in to a box lined with fractal artwork, then blasting Slipknot at 132.567 dB for 24 hrs. It, however has not been tested, because no one has severed a cyborg's head.

Methods of Time Travel[edit]

Devices[edit]

  • DUH-Lorean
An Irish/American car with a handy propensity to mimic a spaceship thus confusing any innocent Pine growers of California into thinking they are facing an alien invasion.
schematic of early 19th century time machine

Useful for their stainless steel construction (which makes the flux dispersal - look out!), their scary gull wing doors ( see above ) and their ability to utterly disassemble at the slightest touch of a diesel locomotive. Caution: If you intend to use one of these vehicles, be advised that they are fitted with the Hollywood Starter System.

This system enables the driver to build audience tension as the car fails to fire up when it is desperately needed to;

A) Rendezvous with a Bolt of Lightning
B) Save a friend from Terrorists in a VW
C) Drive into a town which would then believe itself to be the subject of an alien invasion.

Should you find yourself with an immobile DeLorean, you may wish to remember that all you need to do is elevate the car and spin the front wheel so the speedometer registers 88 MPH. Pushing the vehicle often proves to be problematic.

  • Phone booth

See Bill & Ted, and Dr. Who, above. *DONT ITS A TRICK* ( JUST KIDDING )

Future Santa is a time traveling immortal. FS travels the fabric of spacetime using his own 19th Century means. This is necessary to allow each annual Santa travel the world in one night, gifting the Christians.

  • Flying chair of some kind

H.G. Wells model, also utilized by Jack ( Haverstrom ) the Ripper.

  • U.S.S. Relativity

Classified Starfleet design.

  • Yellow T-Shirt

Used by Tecnolobo. The static energy accumulated over the t-shirt allows him to travel in time, and the yellow color hides the energy, preserving his secret identity.

  • Transcendental Marriage Annulment Lawyers

Britney Spears made history by getting married and then unmarried retrospectively and this caused anomalies in the Space Time Marriage system which resulted in her partner (whoever he was) disappearing from time, but rather than eliminating the marriage and accident occurred and she was unmarried before she had even been divorced, this brought her even more publicity than ever so nobody bothered sorting it out.

She is also working on plans to if neccessary unhave her children and substitute her parents.