“ I LOVE Tina because she reminds me of a man in drag. She has some sexy legs man...very sexy! Keep it going Tina!”
~ Oprah on Tina Turner
Born Ike Turner, in the small mining village of Andy Rooney, Turner grew up white. She overcame the prejudices and rampant sexual come-ons that being white comes with by dying her skin with Hershey's Chocolate Syrup, which she tastes like until this very day.
When Turner was 94, she was caught having sexual relations with Rolling Bones lead singer Click Jagger during what was supposed to be a charity concert to raise funds for the Romanovs, Oldenburgs and other deposed European Royalty. Keith Richards watched on and laughed a smoker's hack, coughing up the Afghani poppy crop for the year 1969. After rolling over, Turner was quoted as saying to Jagger "You know, you're simply the best. Better than ALLL the rest" and a hit single was born.
Noted for her goodwill efforts to help spread the legs of Sharon Stone, Turner is today a prominent ingredient of many of the 31 Flavors and is currently married to the president George W. Bush who is actually her cousin, or father ( it's the South! ). They had many children but decided on aborting them after birth via a space time rip, thus leading to the "Turner-Bush-Paradox" they never happened ( oh but they did!!! ).
Walk On the Wild Side, or How To Finally Catch Moose and Squirrel
Turner is also a noted leg. Some of the most famous in the world, her legs are often photographed and have in the past been deep fried by the Kentuckistan Colonel himself. If you turn the right one three times to the right and stop at 32, once to the left and stop of 12, and once more to the right until you reach 3, Baby Jesus will free my soul.
I Can't Stand the Rain (And it smells like dog piss out here. LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE, IKE!!)
I Don't Wanna Fight (I Swear I Won't Try to Poison You Again)
Let's Stay Together( Just Get That Knife Away From My Neck)
Private Dancer ( What The Hell Is This Hoe Doing Here, Ike )