Tofu ( Japanese: ポッキー; literally "toe food" ) is an indestructible polymerized resin which was synthesized by creation scientists to help win the War against Plutocracy and to dominate the world. Well, not really.
The misty past
In 1812, the famous inventor Thomas Edison, who was nine years old at the time, was experimenting with the arcane and sinister forces of electricity by sending 50 billion volts through all kinds of things such as pickles, pointed sticks, inanimate carbon rods, foreign cheeses, gerbils, frogs, kittens, eels, hot dogs, badgers, turtles, pineapples, the letter J, Millard Fillmore, French horns, and Kentucky Fried Haggis™. While desperately searching for other things to zap, the sadistic little twerp discovered a strange and totally impervious substance encrusted on the underside of his grandfather's spare chamber pot. History has never been the same since.
The misty present
Tofu is one of the world's most versatile inorganic substances, second only to ketchup. It is used in such diverse products as electric buggy whips, wireless telephone cords, unicorn prods, thermonuclear weapons, pantyhose, and irregular polyhedra.
Today, tofu is a commonly chosen method of suicide, and is, as of 2006, the number one cause of death in Japan. Methods of administration include oral, nasal, anal and smashing your head against it for a prolonged period of time.
The bleak and horrible future we now live in
By the year 2020, all snack foods and government-owned buildings will be constructed entirely out of tofu.
Tofu in pop culture
Nickelodeon ( the evil Satanizer of America's youth circa 1990 AD ) popularized tofu through its elaborate propaganda campaign, centered around the cartoon Doug. Into this show, Doug's favorite band, The Beets, inserted many false and misleading subliminal messages about the substance. "Aaaaayyy eeeee oooo!!! Killer Tofuuuu!!!" repeatedly bombards the virgin ears of America's youth until a collaboration between Ronald McDonald and the America's beef farmers canceled the show before the turn of the Millennium.
Tofu as food
Natural tofu are gentle beasts which roam wild o'er the plains of Canadia. Intrepid tofu hunters must find them there. In the lucrative tofu trade, these hunters take their finds to retailers who sell to health food stores, Japanese restaurants, and dirty hippie communes.
Despite numerous attempts, no live tofu have ever been successfully domesticated. In captivity, the soft, protein-filled body of the tofu becomes tough and dessicated, and eventually the gentle tofu dies in screaming and writhing agony. While this has been avoided in a few cases with the capture of immature tofutti, full-grown tofu seem unable to breed in captivity.
The sweet young tofu are often preferred by connosiuers, but the larger tofu ( which can grow to an adult size of up to several metric tons ) are often prized for their fleshy goodness.
Recent revelations have led scientists to believe that tofu are commonly kept in the dungeons underneath many stores in Chinatown. They are described as smiling puffs of fluffy fur. However, there exists no known photographic evidence of this.
When Tofu was created, tofu was used in this creation. It is unknown how Thomas Edison come into contact with the Tofu, but it is believe it was through the Tofu Monster. Although the Tofu he used was 110% Tofu, which would kill a man if he ate. It is believe that is was called Mountain Jew Tofu.