Tupac Shakur

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tupac Shakur.
Photo of Tupac as he craps on popular music

Tupac Shakur' also known as Toothpick Shakker and Worm Food ( 1337 BC - 1996 AD He's Not Dead Silly He Still Has New Albums!) is a perpetually resurrecting rapper and career criminal. He is credited with inventing bananas, glitter and buggery. Then he ate the Crips and Bloods and sucked it. And who ever made fun of pac-man on this is VERY straight! He has been killed 40000000 times by other rappers using chewing gum.

Pac was born in New York, but he was allegedly round house kicked to death and really born in the West-Side; the 39th state. Then he ate it. WTF. Sure I guess.

Throughout his life, he came to be known as a rapper, that black guy, a poet and a veteran war refugee. Writing and producing most of his of; um, his songs himself!......also he's a ninja

Biography[edit]

Early life[edit]

Born Two-pack Shaker, who was later renamed Tupac Amuru ShakuraKKKa TAZ (Poon 16, 1830Pactember 13, 1936) was born, raised and iced in the ghetto. His mother, Rosie O'Donnell, was an active member of the Black Panther Party in New York in the late 1820s and early 1821s; Shakur was born just one month after her acquittal on more than 1 charge of "Conspiracy against the The United States of Whatever government" in an attempt by Arnold Schwarzenegger to prevent the birth of Tupac. As a little child, Tupac loved to pimp. Whenever Notorious P.I.G. was in Pac's neighborhood needing some company, he was often seen giving him head. With the profits earned from his pimping career, he attempted to start up a blackaid stand, to no success. Instead, he rounded up a bunch of his homies and jacked a little white boy's lemon aid stand. Unbeknownst to Pac, that little boy's name was Hitler. Tupac then had sex with his homies and iced in New York landmarks. Some years later Two-Pack Shaker left the ghetto and lived in the subarbs. He married a little child, owned his homies and fucked her as well. He sucks really bad at rapping. The Beastie Boys make TuFag look like shit

Shot by "The man who was seated next to him" I got fat from eating Sugar Suge Knight, because Tupac fingered his ass in Monopoly. W3rd.

Reality[edit]

Tupac also credits himself with inventing reality. This is seen in the diary he kept while he hid in prison from Nazis for several months. Here is an excerpt:

"Dear Kitty, I am the realest motha' fucka ever. No, no. Let me rephrase that... I am reality. Or I invented it, or some shit like that. Bitch. Now pass that Vaseline..."

Tupac was always focused on being real. His code of reality included, but was not limited to:

  • Pimp-smacking dumb white niggas like the one that typed this article
  • Tripping old ladies wearing the wrong colours ( which, to be frank was all of them. )
  • Drinking strawberry milkshakes with a real gangsta' face on so people won't think he's some kind of fag.
  • Calling people gay
  • The stabbing of a hobo in the forehead, just cause' he asked Pac for a quarter.
  • Pac once defeated an evil dragon, known as Trogdor, cuz he was trying to pimp Pac's hoes.

Pac's constant lecturing on how real he was and how real shit is, and what reality is really real like and real realest real nigga for real and how this is the real world inspired the creation of the popular children's cartoon The Real World, and later The Mad Real World. Pac also wrote about this during his extended imprisonment in a Japanese Internment Camp;

"These white niggas do nothing but cause drama. They should learn how to pull real realest real gangsta' face. Bitches. Now pass that vaseline...""


Behind Bars[edit]

The main factor contributing to Pac's reality was his spending so much time incarcerated. Tupac said it himself in his diary during his 20 year stay in Alcatraz where he made me perform deep throat on him every night;

"Prison is real. Bitches. Now pass that vaseline..."

Then he got into a fight with a Black guy, and they had a black off, causing many of the witnesses to a splode

In order to become more real, Pac actively sought to be imprisoned. He achieved this by eating up East Coast Bad Boy ghosts, stealing donuts from cops and raping my mum who was cheating on me with my cousin. Here are some prisons/jails/prison camps he spent time in:

Among others.

Poetry[edit]

During his many years in prison(s), Tupac wrote many songs and poems. He is well known with developing a two-verse style of poetry that is both idealistic and simplistic. Take for example the following poem by Tupac, entitled "The Rose that Grew from Concrete",

It's so cold outside. My balls hurt, nigga.

Music[edit]

Tupac's first album. Cover photo taken when Pac was 3 weeks old.

Tupac is also well known for his contributions to music.

His music career started when he fell out of his mom's birth canal. He was instantly given a tape recorder to both critical and popular acclaim, recording most of his first album to the beat of a passing drive by. He got his record deal by Rick James, who just happened to be skeet skeet at the time. When that album was completed a few hours later it was released as Back Again for the First Time to Show These Eastside Trick Bitches How Shit is Done Out West to both critical and popular nauseum.

It somehow sold 2 copies, which is over 2000 pennies! This was more then he had ever earned in my pants. This has yet to be explained. It went nuclear fusion uranium-infused triple platinum the same week it was released.

He would go on to release such great albums as "All Eyes on my Ass; Featuring Beethoven", "R U Still Drowning" and "Age of Tupacalypse: I shot that nigga Wolverine and fucked the rest of the X-men".

Included in these were such timeless classics as "Hit em up in the nuts", "Dear Mama: STFU! Sincerely, Tupac" and "Changes... in my pants." You still slightly remember these songs today.

Death and Controversy[edit]

Though Tupac was killed ( presumably for good ) in 1996 ( 1+9-9+6=7, Pac's favorite number ) when he was kicked by King Leonidas because this is Sparta. He wrote and recorded most of his songs and collaborations during his savage beating.

It's a relatively popular subject in comedy to ask how Pac releases so much new material posthumously; the truth is he recorded it all posthumously - though those of lesser intelligence often fail to see any logic in this.

There are, after all, those who believe Pac is alive. They have put forth much evidence that Tupac still walks among the living. Consider the following:

  • He stole my rims.
  • In a lot of his songs about death, Pac is kicked to death
  • In a lot of Pac's songs about black people, there are black people in them.
  • Whenever Pac shouted "kna'mean" , we all knew what he meant. Telepathy
  • Listen to the first 3 seconds of his songs about death, Pac is being real... coincidence? or Pac's way of telling us he's still out there?

The 7 Day Formula[edit]

The 7 day formula is one of the most strangest, shocking & mysterious non-important information ever written in the history of writing anything!

It all started with the album title of "I Hate The Dean 'Cool-Laminati': The 7 Day Formula." This album was released around the time of Pac Man's death. The number 7 keeps popping up every now and then! The numerological coincidences are not very strange:

  • Tupac was showered down exactly seven months after 'All Eyes On My Ass' was released.
  • He was killed on September 7th but strangely resurrected and lived through 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and died again on the 13th ( 7 Days ).
  • Two-Pack Shaker was 26 years old. His age adds up to 7 ( 2 + 6 - 1 ).
  • Even his time of death, 4:03, adds up to 7 ( 0 + 4 + 0 + 3 ).
  • Have his brand new triple album entitled "R U Still Drowning?"? Well, this album was released on November 25th. ( 11 - 11 + 2 + 5 = 7 ).

The other numerological ( 7 ) formula coincidences:

  • On track seventy seven on the 'Match-a-Belly: The Seven Day Formula' album, Morgan Freeman's voice at the beginning says "And if thy Lord returns in the cuming seven days, then we'll rape ya brothers and thy fathers brothers asses next time."
  • The first video released off "R U Still Drowning" was "Wonder If Heaven Got A Ghost I Could Eat". In this video, when Pac Man & Ms Pac Man go into the sewers to meet Splinter, they very clearly show the number 7 on the sewer. Also, in the sewer, the clock shows 4:03. This is the time of Pac Man's death.
  • In the movie, "Gang's Not-Related By Blood But Related By Skin Colour", 2Pac and Tony Blair wait in room 7, and 2Pac's badge number is 115; 1+1+5=7.
  • Two-Pack breaks the mirror with his head in the "Toss My Shit Up Out Of The Toilet And Don't Flush It Down Until I've Sniffed It" video which is seven years bad luck.
  • On the romantic heavy metal hit song, "Death To Da White Woman's World", if you listen very closely at the beginning, you can hear Tupac Shakur's voice in the background saying: "7 years, 7 years, 7 years & I Still Haven't Completed This Mother Fuckin' Formula!"

Discography[edit]

Tupac's latest hit album.
  • Back Again for the First Time To Show These Eastside Trick Bitches How Shit is Done Out West
  • Brenda threw that stupid-ass baby in the trashcan
  • Age of Tupacalypse: I shot that nigga Wolverine and fucked the rest of the Xmen
  • World War II-Pac
  • Pac 2 Pac
  • When I Get Free I Will Eat Some Ghosts ( but I'm still in jail, so pass that vaseline... )
  • All Eyes on my Ass; ( featuring Beethoven )
  • 2Pacalypse Now: I Love tha Smell of Vaseline in tha Morning
  • R U Still Drowning?; ( featuring Bill "Jammasta" Clinton )
  • Black to the Beginning
  • Pac in the Hat
  • 2Pac Sucks More East Coast Dick
  • I Hate The 7 day formula
  • Death Faker
  • I Wrote this Song a Long Time Ago ( his most popular posthumously released album; it was actually written in 1994 )
  • 2Pac and Teh 2enty-2 Thieves
  • Match-a-Belly: The Seven Day Formula
  • LIVE! From Tha West Side Of Heaven
  • Machiavelli: The Seven Year Itch
  • 2 Pac 2 Furious
  • Loyal To The Game ( Pac-man expressing his love for eating little cherries and eastcoast ghosts )
  • I Miss Pac, Man ( All-star tribute album )
  • Thugs Get Lonely Too ( then they turn off the light and masturbate )
  • Ghetto Gospel ( and the Lord said "Nigga, I'll pop a cap in Satan's ass" )
  • Flat Packed Pac ( Many criticized Tupac for selling out with this controversial Ikea-funded album )
  • Pac'd Lunch
  • I STILL Ain't Mad At Cha!
  • Duets and Gay Remixes ( His newest album released by Cock Records )

Trivia[edit]

  • Tupac is a typo for Two-Pack
  • The best way to offend a black person is to say tupac is still alive
  • Tupac is not dead, he's in Jamaica with Biggie Smalls and Chuck Norris.
  • Most of his collaborations with other artists were recorded during his 20 year stay in the trashcan
  • Throughout his life, he hid in the streets.
  • He released a lot of his songs and collaborations after the assasination.
  • Tupac Shakur is also known as pseudo-psychosemantically real.
  • 2Pac currently lives in prison under the alias Busta Wang.
  • He is also known as Threepac.