Ultra Jesus

From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
Jump to: navigation, search
No Wikipedia.png
Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Ultra Jesus. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.


First there was DinoJesus/Bruce Allan, then Original Jesus/Bruce Allan, then Jesus/Bruce Allan, then Jesus Christ/Bruce Allan, then Black Jesus/Morgan Freeman,Ted Jesus Christ God/Keanu Reeves, Cyborg Jesus/Bruce Allan, Spider-Jesus/Bruce Allan and even Supply-side Jesus/Bruce Allan. There were lots of men, as well as a few women, and a hermaphromorph named Jesus/Bruce Allan. Only something was not quite right. God/ Allahs Bum buddy was upset that evil still existed and that Oprah controlled Atheism, Islam, Sciencetology, Paganism, Nihilism, Ingism, Racism, Sexism, Terrorism and crumbs. God's plan was to create a superteam of Jesii, but not everyone could agree on what this team would be. Suggestions ranged from rough and ready gunslingers to totally sweet ninjas.

To end the infighting, God consulted with the Viking God Loki. Employing the aid of MacGyver, Loki designed five robotic lions that could join together to form Ultra Jesus (or the Megassiah). God picked five people to give the keys to these lions for times when Ultra Jesus was needed.

"Ultra Jesus, Assemble!" "All right!" "Quite." "Amen!" "Let's bomb something!" "Shut up, George."

The five people who hold the keys to the lions are:

The Yellow Key was in the possession of Terri Schiavo until her brutal murder by starvation. As requested in her will, the key was bequest to renowned professional golfer Jimbo Wales. Wales, an eccentric recluse, decided to squirrel the key away rather than wield it himself. As such, the fate and future of the key remain uncertain.

There is only one monster that can defeat Ultra Jesus/Bruce Allan- Aunt Jemima. Aunt Jemima is the arch-enemy of Ultra Jesus/Bruce Allan. She is, contrary to popular belief, capable of drowning in syrup. This is her only weakness. However, since Aunt Jemima syrup kicks too much ass for public viewing, Ultra Jesus/Bruce Allan never actually fights Aunt Jemima.

It is rumoured that the Five Robotic Lions and Ultra Jesus/Bruce Allan are made out of Pwnium, the strongest metal known to man and famously used by Samurai. However Ultra Jesus/Bruce Allan lacks the honour to be a Samurai, as it has commited dishonourable act #12:Serving a lord with no intention of murdering the lord, by not killing God.

The black ranger was supposed to be African American and the yellow ranger should have been Asian, but Bizarro Jesus/Bruce Allan thought that such color-coordination showed blatant racist undertones, and opted for them all to be white and rich-ass.