Ulysses S. Grant

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ulysses S. Grant.



Ulysses S. Grant was the penname of Lewis Carroll ( 1817 - 1883 ), one of the most prolific American authors of the mid-19th century. He also wrote a large number of books. In mid-life, Grant became a successful neurosurgeon, and later became President of the United States.

Career as an Author[edit]

In 1840, Carroll began to write books under the penname of Ulysses S. Grant. His most successful novels were Uncle Tom's Cabin and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secretions, the latter of which was at the top of the New York Times bestseller list for one consecutive week. In the realm of non-fiction, he is most noted for writing Volume "T" of the Encyclopaedia Britannica and All the President's Men, a steamy account of the sex life of the bachelor-President James Buchanan. In spite of his great success as President, Buchanan was so humiliated by the revelations in All the President's Men that he refused to run for reelection in 1860, paving the way for the ascendency to the Presidency of Grant's arch-enemy, Abraham Lincoln.

Grant was disappointed that none of his novels were made into movies during his lifetime. He optimistically attributed this failure to the fact that the invention of motion pictures had to wait for the adulthood of his 15th son, Thomas Alva Edison, which did not occur until many years after Grant's death.

                                                                        Signed,
                                                                       OJ Simpson

The Civil War[edit]

Grant stays near his tent during heavy action at Cold Harbor

Grant was drafted into the Union army in 1861 due to a computer error. Although not much of a soldier, Grant became well-known in the army for his witty campfire stories. Even though there is extensive photographic evidence that Grant never rose in rank higher than a private soldier, he later wrote about his wartime experiences in the Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant, in which he claimed to be a General in the Union Army, and the man most responsible for the Union's military victory. That book became the epitome of PR spin doctoring, to the extent that most historians and the general public now believe Grant's account of the war.

In order to avoid front line service and to take advantage of a ready supply of medicinal liquor, Grant volunteered to be a surgeon. Although he had no medical experience or education, Grant was accepted in that position, primarily because the military leadership had the view that even incompetent surgeons could accomplish very much given the nature of Civil War injuries. With Grant, however, they were mistaken in this opinion. In one battle, he was personally responsible for the death of over 7,000 soldiers under his care, and from that point onward was known as "The Butcher of Cold Harbor".

During the siege of Petersburg, Grant turned his attention to the theater, writing the play "Our American Cousin". A production of that play, staged in Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C., lured Grant's nemesis Abraham Lincoln out of hiding and to his meeting with destiny at the hands of Lee Harvey Oswald. It is a little known fact that Ford's Theater was owned by future President Benx Ford, who was a good friend of Grant, sharing his interest in the theater, hard liquor and synchronized swimming.

In 1869, he was nearly forced to sign a surrender from Dr. Arliss Loveless, reportedly threatening Grant with a giant steam-powered mechanical spider. Dr. Loveless was stopped and killed by a member of the United States army named Jim West, along with partner and U.S. Marshal Artemis Gordon.

Career as a Neurosurgeon[edit]

President Lyndon Johnson after unsuccessful botox surgery

After Lincoln's assassination, his Vice-President Lyndon B. Johnson became President. Grant, meanwhile, used his medical experience from the war to gain a position on the staff of Walter Reed Hospital. Johnson was a frequent visitor to Water Reed Hospital for botox treatments, and one fateful day in 1866 he was unlucky enough to find Grant as the on-call surgeon. During the operation, Grant removed the left half of Johnson's brain and replaced it with a wad of gun cotton that he had been carrying in his pocket since the battle of Shiloh.

Johnson's general lack of responsiveness was not noticed immediately after the surgery; however, in his haste Grant had neglected to complete the botox treatment, and Johnson's wife soon left him for a younger man. Eventually, chemicals from the gun cotton began leeching into the remaining portion of Johnson's brain, which led to incontinence and his ultimate impeachment.


The Presidency[edit]

As far as Grant was concerned, his presidental years passed without incident. He spent his first term developing a soap opera for television. The series, known as General Hospital, was based on his experience as a military surgeon during the Civil War. He focused on technical writing during his second term, authoring a textbook on Quantum Electrodynamics, which became the standard college text on the subject until the 1940's, when the field was finally discovered. He also wrote several user manuals for toaster ovens and digital cameras.

Later Years[edit]

Grant's Tomb - the final resting place of Grant's son Thomas Who

After leaving the presidency, Grant and his wife Julia began to think about their own mortality. They spent all of their funds in building a huge tomb along the Hudson River in New York City. After they had finished the tomb, however, they decided that a more modest grave in Grant's hometown would be more appropriate. They entrusted maintenance of the tomb to Grant's 17th son, Thomas Augustus Who, a famous first baseman for the New York Highlanders. Who is buried in Grant's Tomb.

Grant's health soon began to fail. He suffered from constipation, piles and a mysterious skin malady that historians later attributed to his ownership of a churkey. Because of their lack of funds, Grant began working on his Memoirs to provide money for Julia's retirement. Although he finished the tome soon before his death, the entire project became moot when Julia became the daughter of Gerard Louis-Dreyfus, a French billionaire.


Many years after his death, Grant was immortalized in Hollywood with the production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, based on his life. In the film, Grant's 23rd son, Hugh Grant, plays Nurse Ratched, the character based on Grant, and Jack Nicholson plays the hapless Lyndon B. Johnson.

Despite his obvious disability ( i.e. death ), Ulysses S. Grant has been a dedicated member of the Trinity College Gamers Society for nearly eleven years. He has even been nominated for several positions on the committee, along with other notables as Sub Zero and Spiderman.