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I don't vant to suck your blood

~ Vampire on Tamia

Vampires are the laughing stock in the undead community and are the lowest on the "Most Scariest" list, (right after WHERE?wolves). They are also known as the slightly less braindamaged version of Zombies, who are the most coolest thing to ever come about.

Initially deathly allergic to sunlight, the Vampire's communication with humans was originally extremely limited. Scientists managed to record and preserve some of the early transcripts, an excerpt of which follows below:


A little known fact is that doctors are a subspecies of vampire, hence their affinity for blood. Unlike traditional vampires, doctors are not repelled by garlic, but can instead be kept away with an apple a day.

All of the above is part of the large conspiracy of Vampies R Us, a company which distributes misinformation about Vampiries, as they are commonmly called in Transylvania. The actual Vampirie is a very shy and shallow creature that resembles a cross between a hotel-quality towel and a short, round human. They originate from the Fires Of Heckles, an easy bake oven where the Vampiries are spawned, warmed to life, and grow to maturity. When they are full grown, they exit the Fires of Heckles, and go about the world trying to be braver than they actually are. The problem with Vampiries are their insecurities. Thus, the Vampies R Us company, which is paid a large amount of mone by the Vampsy Government to make them from small, fluffy and rotund Vampiries into strong, tall, and bloodthirsty Vampires. Stephenie Meyer is an excellent example of a contributor to the Vampirie Conspiracy. Now you know. Pass on the truth, and know you have nothing to fear from Vampiries.