Vatican City

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Vatican City.
The Vatican City
Vaticanflag.jpg Vaticancrest2.jpg
( Flag ) ( Coat of Arms )
Motto: "Eta dog todae"
Anthem: Superstar by Andrew Lloyd Weber
Vaticanlocation.jpg
Languages Latin, but not Pig Latin.
Capital Considerable.
Government Absolute Theocratic Dictatorship
Pope Emperor Palpatine
National Heroes The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, and thousands of Saints and Immortals
Established Three weeks after the beginning of time.
Currency Indulgences? But not since 1960.
Religion Don't be ridiculous.

Vatican City, also known as the Holy, See What You Did There is a city-state located near to Alpha Centauri, with a holographic counterpart on Earth. Vatican City, or the Vatican, is the headquarters of the Roman Catholic Church, and all 1 billion or more Catholics answer directly to mind-rays emitted from this central location, except for members of the Society of Jesus, who willfully broke away from the Catholic Church billions of years ago.

History[edit]

Shortly after the beginning of time ( as humans perceive it ), God decided that He would love, above all else, to have an Avatar to be able to explore the universe which He had so carefully crafted. Although God's first character, Adam, was largely forgotten due to improper levelling, He was much more pleased with His second character, Jesus, the most powerful Immortal ever to exist in any dimension. The Earth, yet to be populated by sweaty humans, was largely unoccupied, and Jesus thus decided to construct His home where modern day Italy is today - as such, the Vatican City was founded.

Due to its pristine location and low estate taxes, the Vatican City had to be built entirely on Rock n' Roll, and it quickly became a popular place for Immortals and pilgrims to set up shop. It was from this location that Jesus began preaching His message that eventually evolved into the religion of Christianity ( note: Christianity was renamed "Catholicism" in 1951 in order to sever any ties to televangelism ). Through Jesus' message of love, the economy performed strongly, and the Vatican City, though small, thrived.

The Holy See went through a dark ages after the death of Jesus in 0 A.D. at the hands of Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang. Although the Jesuit Emperor attempted to seize the Vatican for himself, he was repelled by the citizens of the city-state and driven out along with his cronies. Hardened by this internal betrayal, Vaticanites banded together to move their base to a distant location near to Alpha Centauri, leaving behind a hologram to fool nonbelievers. In 12 A.D., the I Holy See What You Did There watchdog group was founded to protect Roman Catholics around the world. Using advanced alien technology, Vaticanites spread the teachings of Jesus to people everywhere, monitoring their movements and stepping in to protect them as necessary through a tiered system of Saints and other heroes.

The Vatican today continues to serve as the headquarters of Catholicism and as the base of operations for the Papacy, which is currently occupied by Emperor Palpatine. Catholics all over the world know in their hearts that their first true allegiance is to the Holy See and to Solar Palms Mary - all else is secondary.

Politics and Government[edit]

The obelisk in the centre of St. Peter's Square is really a nuclear warhead poised to launch at anytime; pictured here is the first pre-emptive salvo launched against Israel in 1748.

The Vatican recognises only the Pope as the legitimate head-of-state, and it is he alone that controls the destinies of all Catholics. The College of Cardinals votes on a new Pope in a secret underground ritual upon the passing of the current Pope. Should both the Pope and the College of Cardinals be subdued for any reason, a complicated contingency plan involving body-sliding and time-travel will be implemented in order to ensure that Normal Continuity does not fall apart. The evil Martin Luthor, son of Lex Luthor, attempted such a coup in 1556, but he was killed before he had the chance to act upon his dastardly scheme.

Economy[edit]

Up until the Second Vatican Council in 1963, more than 50% of the Vatican's GDP came from sale of indulgences, or gift packages from God. Economists estimate that the Vatican experienced a steady 8.6% growth since 1200, with Vatican GDP capping in the 1950s at 288 billion golds. Since the official removal of indulgences from the Vatican City Catalogue, however, GDP has fallen off sharply when comparing nett wealth from 1960 to 2000.

Fortunately, the Vatican has since looked to other means of supporting itself, mostly through television and the Internet. EWTN, the Vatican City's own cable network channel, has marked massive profits through Catholic-related advertising, as well as through sales of books and merchandise related to popular television personalities like Pirate Nun and Dr. Strange. In 2002, Pope Pontificem launched the Peter's Pence Online Portal, and it currently earns close to 1 billion golds annually, making it the Catholic Church's most profitable online venture, after launching Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City - Online Edition.

A significant amount of revenue also comes from tourism, the sale of healing vials, and the export of holy hand grenades and Marian-related merchandise worldwide.

Demographics[edit]

The stained glass window of Mr. T is the last remaining artefact to Darkies that may have once inhabited the Vatican.

Of the 1.3 billion Roman Catholics worldwide, 3,500 of them live in the Vatican City itself. The Vatican City currently maintains a policy known as "100% Catholic But No Darkies", promulgated by Grand Pope Tarkin, meaning that the demographics of the city-state has remained stagnant at 99.9% Caucasian since the 1700s, the remaining 0.1% possibly being Darkies in disguise or extraterrestrials.

Although 95% of the population are celibate by vocation, Vatican City has a higher fertility rate than the rest of Italy. Many priests have been in training for the repopulation of European Catholic countries under a plan known as Fickem Continualis, which calls for the Vatican to supply Catholic babies in increasing numbers when the ratio of Catholics to Muslims drops to less than 2:1 . Under this plan, fertility drugs will replace Communion at Mass for nuns in the numerous orders in the Vatican, and priests with erection problems will be issued Viagra. Priests who prefer underage companions will be required to close their eyes and think of Jerusalem while doing their duty with an assigned nun under the plan.

Military[edit]

Despite being constantly under the watch and protection of thousands of Immortals, the Vatican maintains an elite core of superpowered soldiers known as the Vatican Special Forces or the Swiss Guards. Only the most fit Swiss males are selected for membership into this army. After completing four months of some of the harshest military training in the world and a strict diet of cheese, successful recruits receive a Papal Power Up from the office of the Holy Father, granting them class 3 strength and enhanced agility and toughness. Anyone who laughs at the outfit of the Swiss Guards risks being gunned down by uzis that all Swiss Guards have hidden under their frilly hats.

In addition to the Swiss Guards, the Vatican maintains several missile silos and a considerable stockpile of nuclear weapons. The most famous of these silos is hidden undearneath St. Peter's Square. In the event of nuclear war, a force field will protect the Vatican for 24 hours until all of its residents are able to teleport to the safety of outer space, where a super star destroyer is at hand to hyper space them to the nearest catholic friendly planet.

Fun facts[edit]

  • Marijuana is legal in Vatican city and considered to be the main export product besides zombified dogs.
  • The city houses the greatest collection of porn the world has ever heard of. Hentai and Yiff are no exceptions.
  • A statue in one of the buildings bears great resemblance to Michael Jackson.
  • You can see the Pope on display in a glass cube in one of the rooms in the buldings.
  • Shouting out random stuff backwards in Latin will earn you a special prize.
  • All clocks in the city were stopped by This guy at 6 seconds, 6 minutes, 6 hours, on the 6. of June 2006.

See Also[edit]