Veganism

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This dolphin was consumed by a vegan seconds later.

Veganism is a form of vegetarianism in which a strict dolphin-only diet is adhered to. Vegans typically are motivated by an ethical view that animals and plants of lesser intelligence should not be exploited as food, and therefore only animals of equal or greater intelligence to themselves may be consumed. Dolphins are widely recognized as the most intelligent of all animals; dolphins' extremely active sex life, far surpassing that of most humans (especially you), is given as evidence of this intelligence. Also by the transitive property of awesome, if you are awesome then you fuck Dolphins

It is also important to note that true vegans, who strictly adhere to the vegan diet, are granted psychic powers and are therefore better than you.

Flexi-veganism[edit]

In a less strict form of veganism known as flexi-veganism, other high-intelligence animals such as elephants, apes, whales, and humans are also consumed. This form of veganism is generally criticized by strict vegans, who consider the diet pseudo-veganism. However, flexi-vegans note that there is no ethical problem with consuming non-dolphin animals, as long as the animal's intelligence is still greater than their own. For this reason, some particularly stupid vegans will eat dogs, cats, or US presidents.

Despite it's controversy among the more strict followers of Veganism, Flexi-Veganism has gained popularity in recent years and is becoming more widely accepted as a branch of Veganism (this is possibly due to the fact that flexi-vegans regularly eat strict vegans as part of their daily diet). As it's popularity has grown it's proponents have suggested that a national IQ test be given to all flexi-vegans in order to establish a base-line of average intelligence among it's followers. This would simplify matters and settle debates on which life-forms are and are not acceptable as food, depending on whether they fall above or below this 'intelligence line.'

Cuisine[edit]

Dolphin burgers, a common vegan dish

Vegan cuisine is similar to standard cuisine, except vegetables, fruit, grains, dairy products, eggs, and non-dolphin meat are substituted with mock vegetables, mock fruit, mock grains, mock dairy products, mock eggs, and mock non-dolphin meat. These mock foods are made of specially processed dolphin meat, organs, bones, cartilage, lymph nodes, and -- the most delicious of all -- brain matter.

It all just tastes like dolphin, though.

Notable vegans[edit]

Roger Waters slaying a dolphin for food
  • Pamela Anderson,
  • Dennis Kucinich,
  • Dennis Kucinich's wife
  • Todd Ingram, Bass player for The Clash At Demonhead/ member of The League of Evil Exes
  • Moby,
  • Jónsi Þór Birgisson of the Icelandic band Sigur Rós
  • John Feldmann, whiny ska punk cow, tofu rights activist, worst music producer ever, we mean ever, and lead singer of Goldfingerer
  • Isaac Newton, scientist.
  • Albert Einstein, scientist.
  • Osama Bin Laden, expert terrorist.
  • Chopin, pianist; a favorite of Alicia Keys
  • Franz Liszt, piano virtuoso.
  • Chris Martin, pianist and musician.