The Vikings were a group of seafarers, originating in Scandinavia, who are known for raping and pillaging, building awesome boats with dragon's heads, raping and pillaging, setting things on fire, composing epic sagas ( particularly about their love of SPAM ), making awesome swords, killing monks, and raping and pillaging. The word "viking" is derived from the Old Norse verb "vike" which means "to wear an awesome helmet." Vikings are real men, considered the lumberjacks of the sea. They are also rumored to be the legendary third level of Badassery and widely regarded as the inventors of cleanliness in the household.
- 1 Anatomy of Vikings
- 2 Myths about Vikings
- 3 Exploration
- 4 Raiding Tactics
- 5 Viking Combat
- 6 Viking Genealogy
- 7 Famous Part Vikings
- 8 Music
- 9 Vikings: Past, Present, and Future
- 10 Well-Known Vikings
- 11 Viking Weapons
- 12 Things Vikings Like
- 13 Things Vikings Hate
- 14 Radioactive Vikings
Anatomy of Vikings
Vikings are born fully mature and ready to do battle. The average gestation period for a viking is 5 minutes and 23 seconds. The beard, while appearing to be like normal human facial hair ( albeit exceptionally luxurious and makes all the girls scream for sexings ) is actually an extension of the face that can sense where there are monasteries to be pillaged, or rape to be had. This is often known as a "Beard Sense". The only human alive today who has this is Johan Hegg. The facial hair of a viking is also highly dexterous, and can serve as a third limb, in a similar manner to the way an elephant uses its trunk. Although this trait has all but died out, a few still remain who can access the so called "beard powers". One such being, known as Hagrid, uses his beard to defend the helpless students of Hogwarts against the unwanted sexual advances of Aquaman.
Contrary to popular belief, Vikings do not go into a berserk fury. In fact, they are always in a berserk fury. Viking sightings are rare due to the fact that observers are often killed, raped, or both ( in either order or sometimes simultaniously ).
Viking eyes are both keen and shoot lasers. This is due to a laser gland located in the scrotom. This makes vikings immune to pain usually induced by being kicked in the jimmy, as well as consuming the idiots foot in a glorious blaze of metal and awesome. That's what you get, you sorry piece of shit. That is of course provided a person manages to sneak up on a viking. This has never happened since they're usually pillaged raped, burnt then offered as a sacrifice to Christopher Walken.
Vikings live naturally to be 3000 years of age at which point they stop aging and never die.
In a recent study, it was also reported that vikings are the only known source of the rare mineral Cemanalia, or True Semen. A fresh sample of True Semen has never been collected. All known deposits of Cemanalia are located in England at the sites of great viking battles.
Myths about Vikings
Vikings have suffered greatly from stereotypes and misrepresentation. Popular myth holds that the Vikings were bloodthirsty and merciless seaborne raiders, who liked nothing better than descending upon villages to steal, rape and slaughter, who revelled in drink, fighting, slaughtering monks, and setting things on fire, and who never washed or cared for their beards. On the contrary, Vikings went to extraordinary lengths to make sure that their beards were clean, full and luxurious, and they always use deodorant before attacking. Besides, whats wrong with killing monks?
There is, of course, more to the Vikings than raping and pillaging. They were traders and famed explorers. The Vikings discovered and settled Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland, and ( using the Viking I and Viking II probes ) Mars. However, the Vikings soon left Mars, because there was nothing to rape and pillage ( besides those little green men, but as the little green men are very willing, it didn't count as rape ). The vikings also traded goods throughout the North Sea and North Atlantic, as far away as the Byzantine Empire and Soviet Russia. Wearing horned helmets and carrying battle-axes naturally gave the Vikings a sizeable psychological advantage while negotiating prices for their wares: when a thundering norseman carrying a broadsword says that you're getting a good price, his customers tend to agree. Thus, even while these expeditions did not result in raping and pillaging, the customers of Viking merchants often went away feeling like they had been raped and their wallets pillaged.
Although Viking tactics are commonly referred to as "raping and pillaging", this is a simplistic representation of the subtle and sophisticated battle tactics of the Viking Assault. The assault consists of the following phases:
(1) Killing. Kill everything which cannot be either pillaged or raped.
(2) Pillaging. Next, pillage everything which cannot be raped.
(3) Once all resistance is put down and the loot is stored away, open up a flagon of mead and find a nice wench, commence raping.
(4) Set shit on fire and sail off, taking the better looking women along (incidentally, the fact that the Vikings had their choice of the hot babes for 500 years explains why Scandanavian women are all such hotties today).
As we can see, the elaborate and highly refined Viking strategy consists of "killing-pillaging-raping-burning", not just "raping and pillaging". Furthermore pillaging in fact comes before raping. The order of these steps is vitally important ( after all if you first burn the village then there is nothing left to rape, pillage or kill ).
A variant of this theory, the "Hack-Hack, Stab-Stab, Molest-Molest, Burn-Burn ( Always Burn Last! )", was pioneered by great thinker Michael McAvoy of the Bergen County Public School system. While first applied to the tactics of barbarian hoardes, we can see how it evolved into the "killing-pillaging-raping-burning" model.
Vikings are very formidable opponents in combat due to the fact that they are pretty much invincible when they go on a pillaging spree. Even when not pillaging, however, Vikings are still almost invincible. For instance, if a ninja were to sneak up on a Viking, the ninja would have to stab the Viking at least twice to defeat him/her, by which time the Viking would have turned around to chop the ninja's head off or something, while shouting loudly in Norse.
The favored weapons of most Vikings are the over-sized battle axe, the sword, the bastard sword, and the total bastard sword.
When attacking from sea, Vikings attack towns and sea-bound vessels using a myriad of projectile weapons on board, including but not limited to:
-The Standard Pillaging Cannon: The most common weapon a Viking's ship has. It basically blast the tar out of everything, thus making it an essential pillaging weapon.
-The Hamster Catapult: A less common weapon used by Vikings to pillage at long distances. It launches a hamster over long distances that causes a midget-sized thermonuclear airburst upon impact.
-Over-sized harpwn Launcher: A weapon you are likely to find at least one of on any Viking ship. It shoots a really ginormously big harpoon which can pierce its way deep into any structure, moose, or vessel. Due to its superior engineering design, the harpoon is easilly retractable and will not snag on anything while being retracted. Vikings commmonly employ this weapon as a means of getting to land safely or raiding an opponent ship by climbing the large chain of the harpoon.
-Viking Launcher: This shoots a Viking towards the enemies. Due to the fact that Vikings are indestructible, and real men, the Viking will make a huge dent ( The Viking being unharmed, of course ), or cause lasers to shoot out of everyone's eyes. This uncertainty is explained by the equation Laser Eyes May = Vikings + Launcher + Raping and Pillaging.
-The Internet: It is a little known fact that the Vikings were actually the ones who invented the Internet just as most people don't know that the Vikings were the first to discover America. When Christopher Columbus got came to the Americas in later years, he barely escaped what was perhaps the most lethal Viking weapon of all: the Internet. By using the Internet, Vikings can command Viking satellites up in the upper atmosphere to pillage a designated spot from far above the earth, they can call in more Vikings, or they can convince entire planets to crash into their opponents by telling them over the Internet that their enemy is having a pizza party.
If you ever encounter a Viking, just run...really fast. If you hide, the Viking will just smash everything in his/her way to get to you.
While vikings may on first sight appear to be similar to ninjas, the infamous pirate test seem to prove this paticular theory wrong. The test is based on the fact that anything that has any connection to ninjas will cause a pirate to flip out. Current tests show that this is not the case, although the resulting battle left two scientists and a small squirrel dead. The pirate did, however, not flip out and the viking was vaguely uninterested. Ultimatly an English gentleman stopped the battle by offering tea and biscuits. The two combatants graciously accepted and the whole thing was reported as a bit of a success. The English gentleman was killed by the viking afterwards when the viking discoverd that the tea wasn't mead.
Those that support the Pirate lineage theory point to Pastafarianism who claim that there is a direct correlation between the number of pirates and global warming. It is also a well know fact that just prior to the viking age there was a warm period, but temperatures dropped as the age progressed. Opponents claim that supporters are spreading bullshit.
This does leave the question unanswered, though, as to where vikings stem from. Some support a theory that suggest that vikings and pirates stem from the same lineage due to reports of cross breed pirates and vikings.
Famous Part Vikings
- King of Sweden ( Part viking, part French ).
- Kyle's Mom
- Akira Toriyama.
- Batman ( Hasn't thou seen his horns? )
- Fat Albert - Now come on, someone with such a fat body must be an viking!
- Arseface from York - Nowerdays known as Michael Moore.
- King Arsethur - Isnt it obvious.
- This Guy
- Jesus ( actually vikings dislike Jesus since he sent them a neverending wave of Christian pussy vermin missionaries )* * Rodriguez Da Anûs - Probably the Gayest viking in the world.
- Jeff Scott Soto
- Chuck Norris ( actually not really, but vikings fear and respect his kicks and that's something worthy of ammends )
- Your Mom
- The Minnesota Vikings
- Kurt Cobain from Nirvana
It's a well known fact that the vikings love Metal. They were the inventores of Viking Metal.They love Metal as much as they love raping and plundering.Metal lyrics are often inspirated by Viking crimes ( Such as Raping dead bodies ). Vikings sing Metal while they are having sex,so that they can mix the two best things in life. They commit sacrifices to the God of Metal in a everyday basis,and all of them follow the rules of the God of Metal.If fact those utterly horrible screams the Vikings do when they are plundering and/or rapings,are Viking Metal lyrics.That's why we don't understand shit.If a 100% viking sings Viking Metal,everything around him will die in a 2 yards radius. Famous Viking Metal bands include bands such as Vikingarna ( Viking King ), DDE ( Devil's Death Ensemble; originally Kill-Pillage-Rape-Burn ) and Sputnik ( the Norse mythological equivalent of Chuck Norris ).
If you want to hear some viking metal, please find, leech, and rip off songs by the band known as "manowar", because remember- manowar's made of steel, not clay.
Vikings: Past, Present, and Future
If you consult a history book or other semi-reliable reference ( such as your teacher, grandparent, or Wikipedia ), it/they will tell you that the Vikings were not all the berserk warriors that they have become to be known as. And rather, they were farmers, tradespeople, and artists. Of course, this is completely bogus. Vikings were nothing but outrageously powerful and fearless warriors who didn't take crap from anybody. They killed, raped, pillaged, and did whatever the crap they wanted, but at the same time defended the weak, as long as those were weak didn't do anything stupid or lame or were related to George W. Bush. In fact, the only reason people sometimes believe that Vikings were more tame than they really were is because in about 1967, some kid was reading about the Vikings in his history text book and then had a nightmare about them killing his teddy bear that night. He told his parents and they complained to the school board. Of course, this was 1967 and nobody cared if some dumb kid didn't like school. But then, 20 years later in 1987, the same kid (who was not a kid anymore, he was like 30) had the dream again and as a result, refused to go anywhere without his teddy bear due to his overwealming fear that Vikings would come to chop off his precious bear's head.
Vikings still exist to this day, scattered across the nordic countries. Names worth mentioning are Torkil "bjørnebitar" the stout, John "vargskjegg" the fierce and Lars "mjølnerneve" the great. All currently living in Trondheim, Norway.
- Torkil "bjørnebitar" the stout
- John "vargskjegg" the fierce
- Lars "mjølnerneve" the great
- Eric the Red. A famous and bloodthirsty conqueror.
- Green giant
- Percy the Pink. Known for his tasteful choice of horned helmets and armor.
- Sigurd Sigurdssen, Duke of Sweden.
- Harald Bluetooth, King of Denmark but in later days he was turned weak by girly christians. He is also the inventor of the bluetooth filesharing system, hence the name.
- Ikea Ikeassen, furniture manufacturer. Inventor of the hex wrench. He and his men manufactured cheap, functional and attractive furniture you could build yourself. They then put it on boats and would land on beaches and set up attractive displays of living rooms, kitchens and bedrooms. When the locals came down to shop, they would rape and pillage.
- Sven Goran Erikson ( England's ex-football manager )
- The Melvins
- Röde Orm ( Red Snake )
- Strom Thurmond. With name like "Strom" you pretty much have to be a viking, right?
- Frank Sinatra
- Filip Hammar and Fredrik Vikingsson|Fredrik Wikingsson
- Metallurgica - a Viking band famous in it's time for being the very root of modern rock.
- Finntroll - They come from Vikingland, if that's not authentic I don't know what is.
- Conan O'Brien
- Jeff Scott Soto
- Kenneth H.( Homo ) Djurhuus
- Ole Ivars
- Tiny Vikings from Heikansjor
- The Joms
- Disease-laden Broadsword
- Bastard Sword
- Total Bastard Sword
- Motherfucker Sword
- Gigantic Axe
- Helmet Horns
- Their Breath
- Longswmi Really Longsword
- Really Really Longsword
- Dwarves ( see dwarf tossing )
- Battle metal ( used to allow berserking )
- Flycap mushroom ( used as drugs for Berserking )
- cock ( in the case that they were disturbed while raping )
Things Vikings Like
- Boats with Cool Dragon Heads
- Burning Things
- Raping and pillaging
- Killing Villagers
- Killing monks
- Killing slavs
- Killing gays
- Killing jews
- Killing blåmenn
- Killing christians
- Long Walks on the Beach
- Killing chipmunks
- Viking Women
- Two viking women
- Little Women
- Pretty Women
- Your mother
- The sound of Thunder
- Harald Foss
- Killing monks
- A really big steak
- Øl ( ( Beer ) Tons of it! )
- Heavy Metal songs
- Viking cat
Things Vikings Hate
- Immigrants in northern europe
- Gay people
- jews$A culture
- Pansy men
- Guns ( axe is the way )
- bill gates
- Landlocked countries
- Other things that rape/pillage ( all of which are now deceased )
- Sneaky Bastards
- Fat Chicks
- Sneaky Bastard Swords
- Kiosks, anything in or near kiosks, and anything even vaugely kiosk related.
- Britons, though they are good for slaves and easy to rule over
- Slavic people, they are weak and won't stop calling us "Russians" which really sounds pathetic
- India, damn Indians
- Cliff, the 25th Elderbot
- Weak girly southerlings
- Pirates fighting Ninjas ( Vikings can defeat both combined anyway ), and/or any related Pirate/Ninja interaction.
Vikings are a transuranic metal falling after scandinavionium in the periodic table. This element does not decay, it recomposes through pillaging charges from other nearby elements. It is very unstable, dangerous and hairy.