“He's gotta be about as straight as I am.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Vin Diesel's sexuality
Vin Diesel grew up in Fellatio, Indiana, and contrary to rumors who believe him an illiterate, he can in fact read. However, Vin Diesel does not read in the conventional sense. Rather, the words form gladiators in his mind, drawing on the powers of their respective meanings, fighting to the death until only the strongest remain in an arena of fire and liquid sulfur. Most females consider Vin Diesel attractive but if you look closely you will realize that he is actually a god. It is further proved that Vin Diesel is a god since he has only ever met his match in single combat with the entity called "Chuck Norris". Such was his godliness that he ate a Dungeons and Dragons second edition Player's Handbook, digested it, and shat out the third edition. This was the first major gastronomical revision of a text in the recorded history of man.
Vin Diesel is the sexyiest man alive its true
- Vin Diesel was the leading political scientist and president of the Jew Convention that led to the creation of modern Isræl in 1948. His radical views on Judaism led the Jews to eventually accept that they had, in fact, killed their Saviour Jesus Christ (when Romans actually did it), and that they were not so special in God's eyes ( explaining the radical orthodox strain that believes Hitler was sent by God as another punishment for Jews ). Modern Jews celebrate Vin Diesel by a one-week holiday in June called "The Fast of The Furious".
- Vin Diesel invented The Thunderdome in October 1724 - Indisputably the single greatest arena for settling a dispute.
- Vin Diesel can eat rock and shit gunpowder. This is how the North were able to win the American Civil War, due to their endless supply of gunpowder provided by Vin.
- Vin Diesel only speaks in the low tone he uses due to him attempting to swallow an entire watermelon at age 11 which is still lodged there to this day. It is not an Adam's apple in his throat.
- Vin Diesel was once compared to Chuck Norris by his fan club. Then Chuck stared at Vin's fan club through a wall and they all burst into flame.
Vin Diesel historical facts
- After the scientist invented the time-travel machine, Vin Diesel goes back in time and fused with Monalisa... Making an ultimate creature: MONALIESEL!
- Vin Diesel single handedly brought Taco Bell back to glory by suggesting they make soft tacos the way he does, with 100% ground beef, refried beans, and garnished with the eyes and testicles of his enemies.
- Due to common misconception, Vin actually runs on unleaded.
- Vin Diesel can solve the rubix cube in one move.
- Vin Diesel performed intercourse with Mt. St. Helens in 1941. After retracting his burnt genitals, he constructed a steel cast to protect his pecker from further damage. We know this cast today as the Eiffel Tower. Countrary to popular belief, Mt. St. Helens actually errupted Vin Diesel's semen, which is red in color and up to 500 degrees Fahrenheit.
- Star Wars is what happens in Vin Diesel's anatomy.
- Vin Diesel once made a go-kart that ran on the hopes and dreams of orphans.
- It goes fast.
- Fidel Castro has actually been dead for years. Vin Diesel has been impersonating him to ensure the survival of Communism.
- When Vin Diesel told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back.
- Vin Diesel uses midgets as currency, skyscrapers as toothpicks, and wipes his ass with any logs, stones, or babies that are in the area at the time.
- Vin Diesel can be used under certain conditions as a table.
- That condition is commonly known as "suicidal"
- Vin Diesel is also a popular cocktail made from equal parts French wine and motor oil. It is known for its rich, full bouquet and has an SAE grade of 50. Vin actually means wine in Danish and other Scandinavian languages, so you might say that Vin Diesel's parents did the impossible: They mixed wine and diesel, which is, as many people know, polar and non polar mixed, which should be impossible. But Vin Diesel begs to differ.
- A Slut Nixes Sex in Tulsa ( USA, 2002 ) - Vin plays a lonely midget living in Tulsa. He meets and falls in love with a drunk slut in a seedy bar. As hammered as she is, she refuses him sex, starting his midgety, massacre of anyone resembling Hugh Grant.
- Hey You! ( Japan, 2000 ) - In his first "with hair" film, Vin Diesel plays a middle aged man being chased by an exponentially growing group of Japanese men trying to return Vin-san his wallet back.
- Drop Ship ( USA, 2001 ) - Vin Diesel plays a one-eyed man who crash lands on an alien planet inhabited by the blind. Many pitched battles unfold and he eventually becomes king.
- 2 Pitch 2 Black ( USA, 2003 ) - Vin Diesel plays blind man who crash lands on a dark planet inhabited by blind aliens. An ill-advised crew choose him to lead them to their eventual deaths as they stumble around aimlessly for months.
- 2 Chronicles 2 Riddick ( USA, 25000 BC ) - Vin Diesel returns in his most famous role as "blind man" and fights an evil cult or some shit I don't know.
- 2 Diesel 2 Fucks 2 Everyone ( Cuba, 1859 ) - Vin Diesel crashes Earth onto another planet full of women, who all look like Vin Diesel. He impregnates all of them and they all give birth to baby Vin Diesels, except one who gives birth to Mr. T. The remainder of the movie deals with Vin's emotional fallout because of this.
- 2 Bright 2 Sunny ( USA, 2004 ) - Vin Diesel plays an albino who crash lands on a very sunny planet inhabited by magnifying glasses.
- 2 Alanis 2 Morisette ( USA, 1995 ) - Vin Diesel plays a knife who crash lands on an alien planet inhabited by ten thousand spoons. The crew debate the irony of the situation, which is then explained very slowly to the American audience. The movie ends with Vin challenging the spoons to an illegal street race; which he then proceeds to win and manages to escape the planet by hitch-hiking a ride on micro scooter driven by Owen Wilson.
- Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie ( Mobius, 2005 ) - Vin Diesel plays Knuckles the Echidna, a wise-cracking, crack-sniffing Rastafarian rodent. He must use his super-strength to help find the Chaos Emeralds and stop Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik.
- 3 Bright 3 Sunny ( USA, 2005 ) - Vin Diesel plays blind albino who crash lands on a very very sunny planet inhabited by timid parasol shaped aliens. The only other surviving member of the crew has a rare condition that makes him shout out random directions and give away all of his ice cream.
- Find Me Guilty ( USA, 2006 ) - A comedy-drama based on the longest Mafia trial in American history. Mobster Giacomo DiNorscio, also known as "Fat Jack" ( played by Vin Diesel ), faces a series of charges but decides to stand trial instead of ratting out his family and associates. A wrench is thrown into the system when DiNorscio attempts to defend himself and act as his own lawyer at trial. It is directed by Sidney Lumet, and also stars Peter Dinklage and Linus Roache. The man whom Vin Diesel played in the movie died during filming, and Vin Diesel had to gain 30 pounds to play the part. These two facts are in no way connected, and Vin Diesel was never charged with cannibalism.
- Big Feet In Little China ( USA, 2009 ) - Vin Diesel plays a deaf man who after being wrongfully accused of murder is deported to a barren planet populated entirely by ladyboys. His lack of hearing heightens his other senses which he uses to survive in this hostile environment.
- 2 Vin 2 Diesel ( USA, 2010 ) - Vin Diesel plays a man genetically modified to look like Vin Diesel, who crash lands on a planet inhabited entirely by Vin Diesels. The Vin Diesels, however, have a keen sense of smell and spot the fake amongst them. A nervous and confused crew watch on as the Vin Diesels turn upon Vin Diesel and challenge him to an illegal street race.
- 2 Cool 2 Go 2 School ( USA, 2010 ) - Vin Diesel plays a small bewildered school boy who crash lands on a planet inhabited entirely by mouse traps and wide-up teeth. He joins the teeth rebellion against the mouse traps and all hell brakes loose. The movie ends with Vin Diesel screaming "ADRIIIAAAANNNNNN" and crushing his skull between his two pinkies.
- 3 Vin 3 Diesel ( USA, 2011 ) - Vin Diesel plays a man genetically modified to look like 3 Vin Diesels who crash lands on one side of a river. The crew must get all 3 Vin Diesels across to the other side, but they can only take a maximum of 2 at any time. However: if Vin Diesel is left alone then he will start eating his own leg, if Vin Diesel is put with Vin Diesel then they will start an illegal street race, and if Vin Diesel is left with Vin Diesel and Vin Diesel then they will morph into Super Vin Diesel and destroy the universe. The crew ponder the first move carefully. The crew's ponderance, however, is in vain as Vin Diesel can walk on water.
- The Pacifier 2 ( USA, 2006 ) - Disgraced CIA agent Vin Diesel is given a walk-in-the-park last chance assignment, and must go undercover at a small town nursery in order to infiltrate illegal "toddler fights", where razor-clad infants are pitted against each other to the death. Flashbacks of his ex-partner sleeping with his ex-wife play havoc with his mind, as he pulls up his nappy and enters the ring of death. The crowd roars for blood. Focus, Vin Diesel, FOCUS. The movie ends with Vin Diesel challenging the toddlers to an illegal street race.
- 2 Legit 2 Quit ( USA, 2001 ) - Former pastor, hip-hop artist, and guidance counselor Vin Diesel is forced to work for an underground crime syndicate and deliver poorly written one-liners in exchange for his gold fish's life after he dooms crime boss Gary Busey to hell for writing graffiti on a bathroom stall.
- The Spanish-American [War ( USA/Spain, 1672 ) - Arguably the greatest film of all time, Vin Diesel plays an American mariner who crash lands on an alien planet inhabited by Cubans. He tries to get back to his homeland, but something is wrong with his G-Diffuser. In his frustration, he punches an iron wall which happens to be the U.S.S. Maine. The Maine responds by exploding in the harbor, prompting the Japanese to attack Switzerland. In the end, Vin Diesel liberates Cuba from Jabba the Hutt, but gives it back after he realizes he is allergic to cauliflower, which some say inspired the Psychological thriller, "The Pacifier 2".
- Episode 3 Vin: Revenge of the Diesel ( Coruscant, A long, long, time ago ) - Vin Diesel impersonates the Grand Army of the Republic and crash lands on various planets simultaneously. He proceeds to betray the Ninjedi and kicks every single one's ass. Curiously, his legs are cut off by Michelle Kwan when he attempts a triple axle. He spends four minutes regrowing them.
- 2 Drunk 2 Fuck ( Suburbia, 2948 and 3/4 ) - After a sexy grunge girl ( Keanu Reeves ) crash lands on a wealthy hermaphrodite (Morgan Freeman)'s head, a schizophrenic Sherlock Holmes ( Co-acted by Vin Diesel and his cousin, Amerigo Vespucci ) investigates the facial features of a large lab rat. Hilarity ensues when Vin and Amerigo deduce that the entire plot is not worth the millions they're being paid, the film falls apart and the remaining six hours passes by with ferocious priest, rabbi, and blonde jokes. The film ends with a delightful pun concerning the Zimbabwean population of Venus.
- 2 Too 2 Tutu ( The Confederacy, 1997 ) - Vin Diesel plays a bulimic ballet dancer who crash lands on the planet Dance Dance Revolution and must out-dance the malicious girls from a rival dance studio, and especially his arch-rival, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, ( played by a different actor in each scene by successively more retarded cast members of the Real World, from that season, I can't remember which, you know... the one where they all got drunk and fucked each other ), but can he stop bingeing long enough to fit into his spacesuit, which mysteriously keeps shrinking due to the space age pranks of Tutu and Company? ( fact: real men wear pink )
- Vin² : The Hyperdiesel ( USA, 2012 ) - A group of shockingly uncommon actors (performing a nerd, a retard, a hot chick, a tough guy, an Afro-American, a TEH PWNER and a fat ass) wake up in the middle of a room with the form of Vin Diesel´s head, without remembering anything. In each orifice of Vin Diesel´s face there is a door which leads to an identical room, and the protagonists move from head to head searching for an exit. At half of the movie, the nerd realises that there is a pattern between the rooms, but he is killed by one of the traps that were randomly placed by the high on crack writers of the movie. At the end, most of the cast die leaving only the retard which somehow finds the exit of the Vin. Many people believe that there is a metaphorical meaning for this movie, but the writers claimed that it's in fact the actual biography of Vin Diesel's brain cells.
- 2 Crash 2 Land ( Turdland, 1666 ) - Vin Diesel plays a man who crash lands on an planet and dies instantly.
- V for Vin Diesel ( UK, 2004 ) - Vin Diesel plays himself in this futuristic dystopian epic, in which he must battle the totalitarian regime of England, kill the corrupt prime minister, and restore freedom and democracy to the country. Also, he blows up a double-decker bus.
- xXx²: Snakes on a Plane ( USA, 2006, announced ) - ( Working title- Planeaconda! ) Vin Diesel crash lands on a plane crash landing on a planet inhabited entirely by venomous snakes. Can Vin right the plane in time to win the midair drag race ( and the audiences hearts? ), or will a team of rogue undercover Hamas terrorists ( Sarah Jessica Parker, Bob Barker, and C.G. Kurt Cobain ) thwart his efforts and sacrifice the plane (along with our beloved Diesel) to the Palestinian Snake Gods?
- Real Life ( Earth , 10000000000BC - 2007AD ) - Vin Diesel plays a human actor living on the planet Earth. Some of his films include Hey You!, 2 Pitch 2 Black, and Episode 3 Vin: Revenge of the Diesel. This film, intended for beings of higher dimensional awareness, is rumored to have a surprise twist ending. Most leading M. Night Shyamalan-ologists speculate it will have something to do with Crab People.
- 300 vs Diesel ( Early Spartan Empire ) - Vin Diesel plays a man that tries to take over the Spartan Empire. 300 of the most ruthless Soldier’s stand in his way. As he aproches, the 300 men through there spears at him. Vin just deflects them with his hand. He then defeates them in under 5 milliseconds. Sparta is his.
- 2 Easter 2 Island ( Polynesia, 2006 ) - Vin Diesel crash lands on an island inhabited entirely by stone statues.
- 2 Funky 2 Sexy ( Prince, 1999 ) - Vin Diesel plays a man genetically modified to look like The Artist Formerly Known As Vin Diesel ( TAFKAVD ), who crash lands on a purple planet called Funk, which is populated entirely by Morris Day and The Time. TAFKAVD challenges them to an illegal alphabet street race and the resulting CD single is released in Japan as a triple b-side with 3 remixes, 7 hidden tracks, limited edition holographic casing, and rare interview with Sheena Easton. The crew is later killed by TAFKAVD when they accidentally refer to him by his original name.
- "F### you" were the last words he speaks after swimming the entire English Channel.
- Apocalypse: The Acclaimed Motion Picture ( 3664 A.D. ) - Vin Diesel won an Academy Award in this film for Best Masturbation Scene. It was the first time and the last time that this award was ever given. Vin Diesel is just that cool. The film also won 70 other Academy Awards.
- 2 Milk 2 Cookie ( Farts, 3500 AD ) - Vin Diesel plays a man who is genetically modified to look like a chocolate chip cookie. The man/cookie crashlands on a planet that is entirely populated with glasses of milk. The movie quickly devolves into an illegal street race. It ends when the cookie loses his legs and gets eaten by the planet ( which is a giant glass of milk ).
- 2 Sexy 4 His Shirt ( Shirtland, 2007 ) - Vin Diesel plays a man who is genetically modified to look like a shirtless crazy man. The man crashlands on a planet with 76 suns. His crew consists of three people who are only there to act as straight men for the man's jokes. He puts 80 gallons of ice cream on his torso, thinking it was sunscreen. However, the suns melt all the ice cream and burn the man to death. But however, his legs survive and defeat the suns. But just when everything was fine, the 76 moons come and get revenge and succeed because of a loophole in the Rules of Fighting that say "Nobody can defeat Vin Diesel." They didn't say anything about a thing.
- 4 Vin 4 Diesel ( USA, 2014 ) - Vin Diesel crash lands on a planet populated by a cultist people hellbent on sabotaging his every attempt to land successfully on a planet. A surreal twist follows when Vin Diesel regains his memory ( after an illegal street race ) and discovers that he started the cult. The crew look annoyed.
- Diesel Of The Dead ( A Corner Behind You, 4065 ) - Vin Diesel crash lands onto a planet whose only inhabitants are dead. Vin gets on well with the population and even manages to be elected their new President. When an alien crash lands into the White House, Vin is forced to take off his hat and unleash his Incredibly Shiny Head. This destroys Joan Rivers, but unfortunately the dead have an allergy the bald heads and the whole populace re-dies out. Mr Diesel is then forced to seek the Swedish Mafia for a loan to construct a magic carpet to escape the planet, otherwise he would die from boredom. A touching Rom-Zom-Com-Dom-Gom
- 3 Crash 3 Land ( Everywhere, All The Time ) - Vin Diesel crash lands on a planet inhabited by illegal street racers. He challenges the entire population to a race and subsequently wins, at which point they offer him a free plane ride home. On the way back to his home planet, Jupiter, Vin crash lands into a planet inhabited by ducks. The movie ends with Vin throwing bread at the ducks. A sequel is in the making.
- Win Diesel ( Some planet ) - Vin Diesel crash lands on a planet, he gets up after suffering a broken back. EVE-Online developers then crash land and then challenge him to an Illegal Street Race.
- 2 Much 2 Poop ( USA, 2007 ) - Vin plays a passenger on a cruise ship in which all but one bathroom are shut down. An escalating ship-wide argument about who has to poop more turns into a witch hunt when it is discovered that someone has pooped in a trash can.
- Burn0ut ( PureUSA, 2008 ) - Originally based on the shit video game Need For Speed, futuristic-sci-fi-romance film Burnout features Vin as a popular illegal street race driver who is on the run from group of hellbent illegal street race drivers who want to turn Vin into Diesel ( not the person, the petrol ) to fuel their cars to have more and more illegal street races. The film culminates in an illegal street race where Vin has to beat the upset drives or risks being murdered. Vin wins the race but loses his legs in the final battle when his solar powered illegal street race car dies due to rain and is forced to turn his own body into Diesel ( not the person, the petrol ) to continue driving. This movie proves once and for all how great Mobil is and how we should all continue buying their products, every day for the rest of our lives.
- 2 Burn0ut or Not 2 Burn0ut 2: Clone Warz 1 ( PureUSA, 2010 ) - After the huge success of Burn0ut, Vin self-funds a prequel with a difference - it takes place after the first movie. Vin returns in the water based sequel of a totally different name. Following Vin winning the street race and losing his legs, the illegal street racers contract sixteen year nine biology students to turn his exhaust fumes into a clone - which they name Fin. Without the use of his legs, Vin joins the popular illegal street boat circuit where he gets into a run-in with a group of illegal street boat racers who also want to turn Diesel into Vin ( not the petrol, the person ). The movie culminates with Vin teaming up with Fin to beat the illegal street boat racers at their own game - Monopoly, but is ran over by a bus. The illegal street boat racers decide that Fin is good enough to turn into Vin ( not the petrol, the person ) and all live happily ever after. This movie also features a talking pie.
- 3 Burn0ut 3 0utBurn: The Search for Diesel 4 ( the wrestler, not the person or the fuel ) ( PureUSA, 2011 ) - This sequel ( as all Vin sequels do ) does not actually feature Vin or have anything to do with the first two movies in the series, and is in fact a documentary about bird watching set in the not too distant future of yesterday, sometime around 3pm Eastern ( 2pm Central ). Somehow the birds featured in the movie have a run-in with a group of illegal street helicopter racers who want to turn them into Diesel ( the wrestler, not the person or the fuel ). The movie culminates with the birds having a race-off against the illegal street helicopter racers. The birds are crushed by the propellers of the helicopters when the race starts and lose rather quickly when the illegal street helicopter racers pass the Vinish Line ( not Finish Line, as the population of Finland now have the word under copyright and the rights cost too much to use - kinda like the song Happy Birthday in tv shows and movies is ) first and celebrate with Bob Saget. The Sun movie reviewer Jesus was quoted saying "It's not a trilogy. It's a thrillogy." before giving the movie 2 stars in his February 31st review.
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