Vitamins are a family of substances meant for ingestion that confer superhuman abilities on whoever eats them. For example, Vitamin H41 grants its imbiber superhuman strength, while Vitamin 401K allows its user to receive large tax deductions.
Every vitamin is referenced by the word "Vitamin" followed by an incomprehensible string of letters and numbers. Originally, this system was devised as a categorization method similar to the Dewey decimal system, but after several bureaucratic overhauls in the Food and Drug Administration, the original categorization methods were lost and/or sabotaged. Third-generation bureaucrats imported from India and working late hours without overtime, devised a cunning and innovative new strategy for vitamin nomenclature: computer-generated mishmash. Whenever a new vitamin was discovered, the FDA would hire a specialist to close his or her eyes and carefully enter random keystrokes into MS-Word. Later techniques involved a level of sophistication unparalleled in all of modern medicine. For example, Vitamin 3FQS8K0 was generated by the footsteps of a small kitten walking across a computer keyboard.
The term "vitamin" itself comes from the name of Dr. Jonathan G. Vitamin, the inventor of the first vitamin pill. Unfortunately, Vitamin's first pill was, in fact, made primarily out of mercury and most of his test subjects died horrible deaths or went incurably insane. Dr. Vitamin was generally regarded as a pioneer in the field of vitamins and also "batshit insane", and as a result his practice failed miserably and he died a forgotten man save for his name now preceding all vitamin types.
The 'Vitamins Are Good' Ad Campaign
During the late-1970s, various government agencies began using the slogan "Vitamins Are Good!" and emphasizing vitamins as an alternative to illegal drug use. "The best high I ever got came from the Vitamin C in a great, fresh glass of Florida orange juice," one ad campaign asserted. Others followed suit: "Potassium: It's Better Than Sucking Cock in a Back Alley for Dope Money"; "Dude, You're Totally Tripping On Riboflavin"; "Vitamin B12 Is a Dozen Times Better Than Crack" were among the more popular slogans of the day.
The 'Vitamins Are Good' ad campaign came to an abrupt end when in 1987, anchorman Peter Jennings was hospitalized after a near-fatal overdose of Vitamin Q, a mysterious substance commonly packaged in children’s' breakfast cereal. Subsequent investigation revealed that Jennings was physically addicted to Q, which had been made recently popular as a street drug. Spurred by numerous media allegations, Congress acted quickly and enacted the Trix Are Not For Kids law, which moved all vitamins meant for human consumption into Shredded Wheat, effectively banning their abuse and trafficking. Several high-profile celebrity breakfast cereal drug cases ensued, most notably those of Captain Crunch and Count Chocula, both of whom were convicted in February of 1988 for conspiring to sell illegal narcotics to minors.
Vitamin C Controversy
By some caffeineist factions, caffeine is considered a true vitamin, and receives the classification Vitamin C. This notion, however, has faced opposition by both caffeinists and anti-caffeinists. Caffeinist criticisms stem from the belief that caffeine is life itself, and therefore transcends classification as a vitamin, while anti-caffeinists criticize this theory the caffeinists have been watching TV too much. Caffeinists traditionally respond to the former by citing the life-granting properties of other vitamins, and to the latter by renewing calls for FDA approval of Vitamin TV.
Super Vitamin Powers
Despite continued and aggressive pressure from federal agencies, vitamin use remains widespread and popular, driven by a mad public desire for mental and physical self-improvement. Some of the more popular "street" vitamins are:
- Vitamin RU486 Used as a panacea to negate the consequences of one stupid, stupid action
- Vitamin ABC1234 Grants the user an uncanny ability to guess other people's passwords
- Vitamin KRS1 User can now rap with astonishing paucity of expletives.
- Vitamin KKK Turns skin completely white; causes mental retardation in just a few doses
- Vitamin CSPAN Sleeping pill
- Vitamin C Caffeine is not considered a true vitamin by many, but grants life itself. See Vitamin C Controversy, above.
- Vitamin C3PO Grants its user fluency in over six millions forms of communication. Side effects include fussiness, stiffness of joints, and gold skin.
- Vitamin Ω13 Causes Unknown at present
- Vitamin X-Up-Up-Δ Grants user unlimited lives
- Vitamin B52 Causes a violent form of diarrhea commonly called Carpet Bombing
- Vitamin GOOG Grants user all of humanity's collective knowledge
- Vitamin HI-C Prevents scurvy. Essential for healthy pirates and other seafarers.
- Vitamin H41X3O3R7 Strengthens 1337|\|355 cells, along with the pwnage gland
- Vitamin I Grants user an extreme sense of egomania.
- Vitamin X Grants the user X-Ray vision, and the ability to withstand rave music.
- Vitamin Ñ Allows the user to speak Spanish fluently.
- Vitamin INV Grants user invisibility for 48 hours. WARNING: walking into a large crowd while this vitamin is in effect can cause you to be walked into.
A special subclass of vitamins with a similar chemical formula and effect is called the EMO Group. Known EMO vitamins include:
- Vitamin EMO1 Makes a person commit suicide by releasing a suicide note, your mom hates it
- Vitamin EMO2 Makes a person commit suicide by drinking SunnyD and mek yourself orangy, Tropicana people hate it
- Vitamin EMO3 Makes a person commit suicide by watching Today, recently CBS Evening News, Katie Couric hates it
- Vitamin EMO4 Makes a person commit suicide by watching Crash, Brokeback Mountain people, especially that Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist (hey, I just researched their names) will hate it
- Vitamin EMO5 Makes a person commit suicide by having sex with a transvestite, your wife/husband/friends/relatives/all people on Earth except that transvestite hate it
- Vitamin EMO6 Makes a person commit suicide by buying a Schick blade and slitting it through your wrist, Gillette people hate it
- Vitamin EMO7 Makes a person commit suicide by seeing Star Jones thinner, anorexic people hate it
- Vitamin EMO8 Makes a person commit suicide by traveling to the Philippines, Thailand hates it
- Vitamin EMO9 Makes a person commit suicide by not watching The Man Show, gay people hate it
- Vitamin EMO10 Makes a person commit suicide by eating Bubble Yum with spider eggs, Dubble Bubble and Bazooka people hate it
- Vitamin EMO11 Makes a person commit suicide by eating ice cream, sherbet, sorbet and frozen yogurt people hate it
- Vitamin EMO12 Makes a person commit suicide by stabbing your mom with a knife for being such a bitch by having sex with Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan fans hate it
Newly Discovered Vitamins
Day and night, the good people at the International Vitamin Research Foundation toil to discover new vitamins. Some are discovered in new species of plant or animal, some well-known substances are re-examined and found to be vitamins after all, others are synthesised in industrial quantities, and still others are the fetid output of grossly deformed genetically engineered subhuman mutants. The most recently discovered vitamins are:
- Vitamin Red Turns a person into a Communist
- Vitamin H2SO4 Re-examination concluded that concentrated acids can be vitamins too.
- Vitamin L337 Consumer gets capacity to understand computers. Girls are allergic to this and will avoid the consumers of this vitamin
- Vitamin PWN +100 exp!
- Vitamin 3FQS8K1
- Vitamin SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE Doesn't do much but makes people a lot less antisociable.
- Vitamin Ammo Should be taken daily, will give your weapons infinite ammunition.
- Vitamin BDAY If you take this... TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! ( will induce rapid aging )
- Vitamin DarylHannah Will cause you to kick lots of arse but results in a disturbingly masculine jaw.
- Vitamin BDSM May cause slight discomfort or severe pain and/or pleasure. WARNING: Never to be used in the presence of small children...unless you're into that too, you sick pervert.
- Vitrimin Artificially increases the bitter edge in life towards others and contains a balanced blend of essential nutriants, minerals and Vitriol, the number one selling pill for those who don't feel that they're living up to thier normal crabby-ass self.
- vitamin CLAUDE N0BS Claude nobs Laiks YButtsexx!
- Vitamin FSM UnControlable urge to steal a sailboat. Found in foods rich in CarBoHiDrates
- Vitamin S.H.I.T. a.k.a. Kentucky Fundamentalist Chicken, makes you a rebel
- Vitamin V a.k.a. Viagra, now there are 50 more vitamin V counterfeits in the market
- Vitamin MD a.k.a. Mountain Dew, or caffeine, makes you insomniac
- 'Vitamin Cunnilingus makes your tongue want more! LOL
- Vitamin N a.k.a. beer, Vitamin Necessity
- Vitamin 1UP Grants the ability to traverse plumbing, generate income from bricks, use turtles as WMD's and infiltrate castles without prosecution. Side effects include moustache and annoying Italian mates who run around haunted mansions.
- Vitamin D12 Usually prescribed to doz chicks who dont even know the name of yor band, alternatively, in men causes a pan-dimension breach allowing you to see not only usual countryside but purple hills
- Vitamin OMFG Causes periods of 0mfugginggawdneziss syndrome.
- Vitamin OCD Makes you do the same thing over. Makes you do the same thing over. Makes you do the same thing over. Makes you do the same thing over. Makes you do the same thing over.
New vitamins are being discovered all the time - check back here for updates.
It was originally thought that there were 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters were yet to be discovered. Finding them all would mean living forever, but we now know that not to be the case. Researchers were thus forced to re-evaluate the logic of there hypothesis, and concluded that they had overlooked, importantly, the letters of the Cyrillic alphabet. This has presented significant challenges to vitaminologists, who, largely, do not speak Russian. However, an English-to-Russian translator vitamin is currently under development.
The Mineral Wars
A dark subset of Canada, which have been competing with the Vitamin establishment, for equal rights in the donkey and other livestock trade in the South Pacific. Minerals are notoriously unscrupulous, having been bound by a code of honor similar to the Samurai Bushido.