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Wales, commonly referred to as "better than Belgium", "England's Patio", or "The Buttocks of Britain", was founded in 27,000 BC by illiterate sheep worshippers; other sources suggest that Wales was founded by the Grand Turnip (The current main religion of Wales after Carrot-ism). Wales was once a small collection of about 18 smaller states, each with their own way of "playing" with the local sheep. Continuous wars between the smaller states eventually led to a successful allied victory for the states of Dadlau and Rhyfelgar in the year 250AD. A bizarre election campaign filled with scandals led to the election of a dyslexic tyrant, Dvaid Smiht, who promptly named the newly-formed country after his aquatic gods. Another legend had it that Wales was actually a bastardisation of Wanker, but this is probably just the English being "witty" as always. The name is now thought to come from the fact that the country is the size of an average whale and the people get the name Welsh due to being filled with flab and being made from the gut of whale.
Wales was before a safe haven for Celts to live in peace from the invading Nazis of Germany and their mercantile views. As refugees in Wales grew in populous they decided to form an alliance of musicians and decided to name this haven walia (land of wailers). Three decades later and the Welsh had planned that they would sing the Anglo Saxons out of England and back into the hideous lands of Schleswig-Holstein. But the offense was not necessary as the Germans were having problems with the vikings and were also wishing for an invading force to leave. Soon however the Anglo Saxons were pushed south and tensions between Welsh/Cornish people and Anglo Saxon people grew. Primarily as to whether the country should be called England or Britain. Wars broke out whereby the Celtic welsh would stand there blasting music out with all their might while the Anglo Saxon warriors lanced at them chopping torsos. But finally a truce was brought out and it was decided that the country be called England but the piece of physical land residing on it would be called Britain. Peace at last for the Welsh.
It was not long before the first pillow fight since the days of the city states. A fear of conquest rushed through the Welsh heartland when the Romans vanquished their little girls. The Welsh retreated onto Ynys Mon, a previously ignored wasteland which, for the first and last time, became important and noteworthy for a brief while. At the final battle the Welsh ran out of lipstick and as a last resort turned to their women and druids. The pagan leaders began screaming their fearsome war chant, “Fluffy Bunnies, Fluffy Bunnies”. They were joined by vicious naked bunnies wildly screaming and waving Celtic standards. The Romans fled in terror, fearing both the magic and the dreadful prospect of marital-like interaction.
Since this great victory the Welsh have honoured their saviours. The men repeat the fearsome chant at every opportunity, while the women roam the towns in all weather, wearing next to nothing.
It is common knowledge that there are no whales in Wales. There are only sheep and seaweed-eating sheep-human hybrids, mistakenly known as, "Humans"
Contrary to popular belief, the average welshman is not half-man-half-sheep, but is in fact 52.306% sheep and some regional variation may occur. some areas have as little as 39.2% sheep DNA mixed with human, but some areas raise to as high as approx 70% (it is not safe for "normal" humans to enter these areas for a large length of time so the exact percentage cannot be found)
A popular myth that Welsh are 100% sheep was disproven when they were asked to vote on whether they preferred being ruled by the Welsh or by the English. If the Welsh had been sheep they would all have voted the same way as each other, but as it was, they couldn't make up their minds at all. So as a compromise, a Welshman called Ron Davies was crowned as Prince of Wales, but he ruled from Clapham Common in England. Sine though, Prince Ron Davies was overthrown by a herd of evil sheep led by Shaun who was then crowned Prince after making a cameo appearance in Wallace and Gromit,leading to him landing his own show.
In 1250 a sudden and cataclysmic earthquake joined Wales to England. For the first ten seconds of this union the people of both countries were bewildered, confused and wary. On the 11th second a Welshman by the name of Taffy Triog became the first man to cross the border, where he entered a traditional English Cantonese restaurant. There was no way he could have foreseen that his decision to take two Mint Imperials from the bar would define Welsh-English relationships for a millennium. Within days the English poem “Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief” became #1 in the Poetry Charts with a record 71 sales.
For the next 544 years Taffy’s legacy lived on with constant fighting and wars between the Welsh and the English. A somewhat comical accident during the Battle of Porth-y-Gest became the basis of another popular song. A shot from a Welshman’s bow broke the wheel of an unfortunate English soldier’s chariot. As his vehicle flipped into the air the soldier fell to ground and before he could safely roll away the chariot came crashing down towards him. Although he managed to avoid the main body of the chariot, one of the spokes struck him in a thoroughly unpleasant manner. The resulting song is now one of the national anthems of Wales.
In the 17th Century, Wales was used as a prison by the English. No chains or walls were needed as no one could read the signs so any potential escapee got lost. The Welsh, however, began training the prisoners to pillage English villages and play rugby. In 1694, after a crushing 11-9 defeat at the Tregynnog National Stadium, the English abandoned the whole scheme.
In the year 1794 Sir John Roache, with the help of the British Army, called an end to the fighting by separating Wales from England using a fruit knife. Nowadays the country of Wales floats freely and happily in the Atlantic Ocean and for this reason is only shown on maps of Europe when it floats within range of the edge of the sheet.
A Legislature of their Own
After the separation from England in 1974 Wales held a referendum on whether to forget about politics and live the simple life, or to establish some sort of legislative body. The vote was a crushing defeat for the supporters of politics when the only person who bothered voting flipped a coin and decided on a simple life.
By 1997, however, the Welsh were growing restless. The lack of a legislative body had deprived them of their greatest pastime, arguing. Therefore they decided to form the Welsh County Council. Although officially based in a greenhouse in Cardiff Bay, the members usually meet every other Thursday at Clwb y Bont in Pontypridd. Not only has it been a great arena for arguing, petty point scoring and big boasts (again, the bastions of Welsh sport) but, quite unexpectedly, it has improved the lives of the Welsh population. Most analysts accredit this to the Council’s immense wealth which it has amassed by threatening the European Union with the possibility of dumping thousands of annoying horns outside the stadiums of every professional team on the continent. To keep Wales at bay the EU funds its every whim.
Some of the most high-profile schemes funded by the County Council include the popular game-show Dr Who?, keeping Charlotte Church in England, half price pints for under 16s on a Thursday across Wales and free travel for people with three legs on local bus services between 11pm and 1am in the Valleys. The rest of their budget is spent on supplying the Department for Racial Diversity and Linguistic Purity (Welsh: Bwrdd Croeso Cymru Saeson Ewch Adref) with paper napkins and plastic coffee stirrers.
Recently the Welsh have been living under the cloud of a Cold Civil War, begun shortly after the establishment of the Welsh County Council. While the whole point of the body was to encourage arguing and fighting, the Welsh appetite for such actions was clearly underestimated. The County Council poured resources into the Southern areas, building icons such as the Centurion Stadium, the Armadillo Centre and, of course, the Greenhouse Council House. Frayed tempers soon erupted into conflict when a small and highly trained army from the South kidnapped Robin McBryde, holding him hostage. The North retaliated by kidnapping Dr. Who.
The buffer zone between North and South is known by its own, internal inhabitants as "Mid Wales". Borders are disputed, but are believed to originate somewhere between Pwllheli and Aberystwyth. However, in official parlance the term "Demilitarised Zone" is preferred, as all of our soldiers have been sent off to die somewhere abroad, like Afghanistan or Croydon. Wales is believed to have stockpiled plentiful arsenals of weapons-grade boredom and dysentery, two of the country's main exports before the North switched over to sour grapefruit Juche.
While Southern analysts have put the blame purely on the shoulders of what they deem the jealous North; Northern analysts claim the same in reverse, claiming that the South is simply jealous of the fact that North Wales got Rhyl.
Fears of Disintegration
Notwithstanding the impending civil war, there is a real fear of the disintegration of Wales. The 4th biggest, and some say most influential, city in Wales, Llandwrog, has recently been pushing for independence. Their claim lies in a thousand year old poem “Wylit Wylit Llandwrog, Wylit waed pe gwelit hyn”. Other towns that appear to be following suit include The Millennium Stadium, Borth, Portmeirion, and, most disturbingly of all, the Brains Brewery. Newport recently announced their intention to seek independence, but no-one in Wales seemed to care.
In 1259 the Last King of Wales, Llywelyn the Daft, decided to try and cut Wales off from England, and float off somewhere warmer, Australia probably. So Llywelyn set all the men of the kingdom to dig down as far as they could until they reached the bottom of the sea, and they could float off. The Englishmen helped as well, because they were sick of the sight of the Welsh people as well, and the smell of cheese. Obviously, with a medieval understanding of geology the whole enterprise was doomed to failure. To take their revenge, Llywelyn's men cut off his willy, to the cry of "off with his dick". There is a permanent trench between Wales and England, named after Llywelyn's method of death, these days known as Offa's Dyke. The Welsh people never forgot this ambition, and when they discovered Australia they named it New Wales, but again the English people foiled their plans, and only New South Wales remains of this.