Warren G. Harding

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Warren G. Harding will kill you and your family.

Warren Gangrene Harding, also known as Proto-Clinton was a time traveler and international badass, intended to succeed Woodrow Wilson as the 36th President of the United States. Born in 2601 in the smoking crater that once was Ohio, Harding attempted to travel back in time in 2644 with the aid of John Titor's gravity-well time machine. Instead, he arrived in the year 1912, just in to witness the sinking of the Titanic. Being a callous bastard, he drank iced tea and laughed as those on the ship begged him futilely for salvation. In 1914, he won the International "Most Badass Name Ever" contest held in Boise, Idaho. Also that year, he was chosen by Henry Cabot Lodge to dig up the corpses of Wilson's family and place them in undignified positions. Wilson's parents' skeletons were found attending a meeting of the American Communist Party; the ensuing scandal threatened to bring down the 1000 year reign of the Wilson Administration. Wilson, being a shrewd politician, quickly announced that he was adopted, absolving himself of all blame.

Presidential Ambitions[edit]

Harding greatly desired to be President, but was blocked by the all powerful Woodrow Wilson. A temporary collapse of the space-time continuum cut short the 1000 year reign of the Wilson Presidency by about 992 years. Wilson was propelled forward in time to a distopic future where he would eventually learn to hunt down and "retire" Android Replicants that escaped to the planet Earth. Nothing now stood in the way of Harding's vaulting ambition.

Presidency[edit]

After eons of struggles through various space time continua, Harding finally realized his dream to become President was within his reach. Supposedly, he was chosen candidate in a "smoke-filled room"; it was later found that the building was on fire.

His presidency was characterized by bumbling missteps and corruption at the highest levels of his administration. In 1922 did Warren Harding a stately Teapot Dome decree; it proved to be as unpopular as his "Hog Anus Initiative" of 1921. He also proved to be unpopular with the general public for reasons including:

  • Repeatedly clogging the the Presidential Toilet
  • Sacrificing every first-born male in Washington D.C. as an offering to the gods to unclog the Presidential Toilet
  • Nailing ninety-five infants to the door of the National Cathedral to belatedly protest the Council of Trent
  • Laughing gaily at funerals
  • Exposing himself to foreign dignitaries

He was notorious for his verbal gaffes, including the infamous "I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, to finally be able to fuck the shit out of my pet dog."

In |1923, he traveled to Alaska to dedicate the newest stretch of Tundra. During the visit, he contacted an incurable case of Syphilis from a cheap prostitute he met while in the town of Sitka. In a stroke of genius, he died that June from nine self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the back. His body was moved to the East Room of the White House where it was allowed to decay over a period of seven months.

Legacy[edit]

Warren G. Harding left no legacy, as it was lost in the Great Legacy Fire of 1924. All that remains of him is a stain on the floor of the East Room where the putrid fluids from his decaying body collected. Today, the "Warren G. Harding Memorial Stain" may still be seen on the parquet floor. It is a designated National Historic Site.