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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Wheaties.

That's insane! I can't masturbate to a picture of myself? Where are the Mary Lou Retton boxes?

~ John Hodgman on having his own picture on the box of Wheaties

WheatiesTM is a bland species of breakfast cereal which has been fortified with every vitamin and mineral known to scientific nutritionists.


WheatiesTM is the only known cereal that is completely soluble in milk. In fact, a single isolated WheatiesTM flake will promptly disintegrate into its component molecules even if you casually mention the word "milk" in its intermediate vicinity. For this reason, flakes of WheatiesTM prefer to congregate in densely-packed clumps by the billions, so that they can readily transform into a protective sludge when milk attacks.

Chest Hair[edit]

Since the dawn of time, young impressionable children have been told by their ill-informed parents that eating milk-soggen WheatiesTM will put hair on their chests. However, the current epidemic of hairy nipples seems to have no discernable correlation to known patterns of WheatiesTM consumption.

Exciting New Line of Wheaties-Based Products[edit]

After centuries of same blandness and bland sameness, WheatiesTM has only recently introduced an exciting new line of WheatiesTM-based products, in response to consumer advocates and scientific nutritionists and pent-up popular demand.

  • Wheat-Flavored WheatiesTM, now with Actual Flavor
  • Chocolate Frosted WheatiesTM
  • Chocolate Frosted WheatiesTM with Extra Sugar
  • Honey Roasted WheatiesTM with Dehydrated Marshmallows
  • Dehydrated Marshmallows with Honey Roasted WheatiesTM
  • Lard-Dipped WheatiesTM with Real Lard
  • Tutti Frutti WheatiesTM in Blinding Radioactive Colors
  • AlphaNumeric WheatiesTM for Non-Athletic Kids
  • WheatiesTM fortified with Rogaine Minoxidil

Missing Athletes[edit]

WheatiesTM is a proud supporter of the Foundation for Missing Famous Athletes. If you or someone you know has seen or know the whereabouts of the famous athlete depicted on your box of WheatiesTM, please send in three proofs-of-purchase boxtops and $50,000 in unmarked Sacagawea dollar coins to the following address (so nobody gets hurt):

Foundation for Missing Famous Athletes
c/o Wheaties
935 Pennsyltucky Roadway, at an undisclosed suite
Citgo, Pennsyltucky 12345