William McKinley

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about William McKinley.

William Diogenes Fitzhugh Lambeth Hogwart Creosote McKinley was a President of the United States from the beginning of his term, until his tragic death at the end of his life. McKinley was born, coincidentally enough, in the William McKinley Historical Site. He is buried in Grant Hart's Tomb. Because, that's why.

Early Life[edit]

William McKinley was born in County Dumbfuck, Ireland, in 1743 contrary to popular belief that he was born in Cleveland in 1843. His parents, Angus and Mary Mackinley, were, suprisingly, Scottish, and thusly McKinley, being both Scottish and Irish, would be the subject of ridicule by both Americans and Britons.

McKinley realised at an early age that he wanted to be president of a largish republic, preferably the US of A. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with a terrible case of lardassism, a disease which would make a career in politics difficult, bordering on problematic. Fortunately for the Americans and unfortunately for Johnny Spaniard, McKinley had another medical condition - Horatio Alger's Syndrome, or a pathological excess of can-do, pluck and gumption.

After leaving high school, McKinley enrolled in a presidenting course at his local community college, graduating with top marks. Shortly after this, he got his first presidenting job, as night duty president of Ecuador.

The duties were light and the pay adequate, but McKinley was not happy. This was largely because he was terribly afraid of the dark, which is not a good thing for someone working the graveyard shift. McKinley spent most of each shift hiding under his desk, shivering and hyperventilating, while shining a flashlight in his face like the chick from Blair Witch Project. The original silent version, not the sellout remake.

This behaviour did not go unnoticed. No. It was noticed. Noticed old school. The Peruvians, long jealous of Ecuador's moustache industry, were plotting to invade. With this new information, they arranged a night time invasion. The night-President of Peru telephoned McKinley and asked if he could invade. McKinley usually spoke fluent Spanish, but by this point he was so terrified that he was unable to, and so simply responded "si".

The Peruvians invaded, and the Ecuidorian army was unable to react until 8am, when the morning President came on. McKinley was taken before a disciplinary committee and fired.

McKinley swore two things in a twofold oath: first, he would conquor his fear of the dark; and second, he swore bloody vengeance on every Spanish speaking person in the world.

William McKinley: The Spelunking Years[edit]

McKinley realised that the only way to overcome his fear of the dark was by confronting darkness. Leaving Ecuador, McKinley became a coal miner in Yorkshire, only to be fired when his girlish sobs unsettled the other miners. He then worked a while in Paris as a photographer's assistant, hoping that long periods in the darkroom would desensitize him to a lack of light. His hopes were dashed when he freaked out and drowned his boss in a tray of siver nitrate solution, whilst screaming that the walls were closing in.

All seemed hopeless, when the friendless and fugitive McKinley encountered one of history's greatest geniuses. Genii? No, geniuses. Definitely. Anyway, it was Oscar Wilde.

McKinley explained his problem, and Wilde suggested several novel solutions - wearing a bucket on the head for progressively long periods, drinking absinthe until blind, looking at a picture of Oprah Winfrey for hours on end until the darkness becomes a welcome relief, and so on.

Eventually, he hit upon the idea that saved McKinley's career: spelunking. McKinley would become a high-payed solo spelunker. By working alone, he wouldn't scare or kill anyone.

"Plus, chicks dig spelunkers!" added McKinley, triumphantly.

"You mean you're straight?" asked Wilde, "Aw, man, what a waste!"

Later that day, McKinley found himself in Austria at the entrance to the Kraplaender Caves, the deepest cave system known to man. He prepared his equipment, and went in.

King of the Morlocks[edit]

During his sojourn beneath the earth, McKinley entertained himself by reading braille novels. His favourite was King of the Morlocks by Orlanerson Krulp. In it, an ambitious American man goes underground to cure himself of his fear of darkness, only to become king of the Morlocks. McKinley later claimed to have read this book "at least three times."

Return to America[edit]

After some fifteen years underground, McKinley reemerged in a basement in Hoboken, NJ. The basement belonged to a Hoboken local, who had been diging in it's floor in order to make room for a larger furnace, when he accidentally broke through to the Kraplaender Caves. McKinley, who had been hopelessly lost for the past decade, came out through the hole, cured of his phobia, but bearded and filthy. The man mistook him for Satan and tried to kill him with his shovel. McKinley ordered his Morlock minions to kill and devour the man, then set off for Washington, DC.

Campaign for President[edit]

McKinley walked proudly into the office of the HR Manager of the United States of America and placed his resume on the desk. As luck would have it, a Presidenting position had just opened up, as Grover Cleveland had just turned in his notice.

"Right after using all of his paid paternity leave," said the HR Manager, "What a douchebag."

McKinley was not the only applicant for the position, but his flawless interview technique got him the job.


The first thing that McKinley did as President was to ask Congress to declare war on Spain. Congress was very impressed, as the last few presidents had only signed bills into law and made dull speeches, and here was the new guy declaring war on a four-hundred year old empire.

Unfortunately, this enthusiasm waned after Spain was defeated. McKinley asked Congress to declare war on Chile, and presented congressional leaders with a confidential list of "Spanish speaking nations I plan to fuck up". Congress turned down this request, and talks between the White House and Capitol Hill were soon bogged down in a debate as to whether Portuguese counts as Spanish, or if it should be considered a seperate language.

McKinley surprised political analysts with his strategy of remembering Maine, a tactic that worked surprisingly often. Alas, his principal opponant in the Senate was a Senator Abe Vigoda from Maine. Being from Maine himself, he was capable of remembering Maine more often and with greater clarity of recall than the President. In fact, Senator Vigoda's Maine remembering prowess was legendary, and to this day has been surpassed only by Stephen King. McKinley was reluctantly forced to back down on his war project, and was ultimately only allowed to invade the Dominican Republic and set fire to Bogota, Colombia. he was cool

Suddenly Not President Any More[edit]

In 1901, McKinley proudly opened the World Procrastination Expo of 1732. Soon after he tore the ribbon ( since no-one had gone to get scissors yet ), he was shot by a knife wielding surrealist.

America and the Lost Land of the Morlocks mourned the death of their fallen leader, but were soon cheered when he was replaced by his Assistant President Teddy Roosevelt, who is widely considered the third most insane President in American history.

McKinley was soon forgotten by most, but a cadre of CHUDS carved his face under Mount Rushmore.