William Shatner

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about William Shatner.

William.....Shatner.....is......the greatest.....Captain Ki.....rk.......ev....e.....r......Neimoy.....must.........die!!....eh

We come in peace! ( Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill! ) We come in peace!

William, Shatner, sexiest, man in, the, universe. Note his unusually large hand and wise choice of jacket over a polo neck in homage to Don "Sonny Crocket" Johnston
The, following, article, is, presented, in, Shatnerese, for, those, suffering, from, William, Shatner, Syndrome

Shat, Man. William, Ignatius, "Fall Out Boy", Shatner, was, born in, 1931, in, Canada, although the, Canadian government, denies... this. He was, trained as, a, Shakespearean, actor, and gained, a reputation, as, a... genius, after his daring, interpretation, of, "Hamlet" ( Retitled "Ham, let" ) in which, the, character, paused, for up to, sixteen minutes, between, words. Critics, felt, the pauses, captured, the torment, of, Hamlet, caught in, indecision, but, the production, ran almost, thirty six, hours. Shatner... later, was, a, popular, entertainer, was, known, for, his, nearly, God-like, acting, and, singing, abilities, and, was voted, twice, to be, People Magazine's, sexiest, man alive. Shatner, worked hard, in his life, to overcome, near constant, bouts, of, "verbal, diarrhœa.". In order, to commit, his unique speaking, voice, to print, he invented, the, comma, securing, his, place, in, the, history, books. Shatner, is, worshipped as a, God by, a religious sect known as, "Trekkies", who, take vows of, chastity, and, poverty, living without, sex, and without, bathing, in their, parents', basements, to prove, their undying, devotion, to their, God.

He, is, most, remembered, for, his, performance, in, Superior Tank Force Ultron, where, fans, prefer, him, to, sing, the, sweet, song, Sätt Tulpaner i mossa till mor.

He often, received, visions, into the, future and, though, people rarely, believed, him, all, his, told, prophecies, have come, true. The, world, still... awaits, the return of, the Terminator, of whom, Shatner, spoke, in his book, "Terminator: He'll be back", humanity, lives, in, fear, the, date, was, said, to, be, October, 3rd, 2007.

Shatner, is, definitely, not, a, common person.

Claim, to, Fame[edit]

The, Shat, Man, is, most, widely, loved, for, his, magnificent, singing, voice, and, has, performed, for, greats, such, as, Fidel Castro, two, to, nine, Popes, and, Mark Wahlberg. Many, consider, William, Shatner's, "Lucy, In, The, Sky, With, Diamonds", ( later, covered, by, The Beatles, in, 1834 ), to, be, his, best, work, and, his, new, "William, Shatner's, Turbo, 2000, Toupee, For, Men", a, true, triumph, in, the, Hairpiece, industry. Shatner, also, served, as, Canada's, Governor, General, from, 1951-1997, during, which, time, he, successfully, uttered, one, sentence, using, this, Shatner, Pause, method. In, 1998, marking the, 30th, anniversary of, "The, Transformed, Man," Shatner, became the, first, and, only artist, to win, a Lifetime, Achievement, Grammy, Award, for, "Best. Album. To. Ever. Be. Recorded."

William, Shatner, and, his, pet, dildo, Paris, Hilton

SSSSHHHHING, DUM-DUM-DUM!

Because of his, unique musical, style, Shatner, has been, credited with inventing, modern "hip hop". His... contribution has, recently, been recognised in, the MOBO awards, when he, won the "Lifelong Contribution to Black Music" award in, 2003. Contrary, to popular, belief, the Shat, did, in fact, preform, the original, Rock, et, man, which was later, copied by, Elton John. Many rappers, have also paid, respect to him, most notably, Ice Cube and Jay Z, who name-dropped him, in his, song "Where Can I Find Ma' Honey Tunnel, Bitch?" with the line "Goin' to da Shat-o wid ma boy Shatnissy; Gettin' Busy, wid a glass of fizzy. Crystal". He also invented beat boxing, while at, the Trek Convention, in Dusseldorf. In, a, recent, rap, battle, he, defeated, MC, Campbell.

Sumo Shat.JPG

The, Big Shat, has, over five, fans, across, the twelve, continents, of the, world, who, are, well, known, to the law, enforcement, community. One, was, quoted, in, the world's, media, as, saying: "In, a, perfect, world, everyone is, married to, William, Shatner. Even, William, Shatner, is, married, to, William, Shatner. Everyone, also, wants in, when, it comes, to, William, Shatner's, pants. Stop, laughing! That's it! Scotty, beam, down my, pants!"

See, Wil, Wheaton, for, more, information.

Diseases[edit]

  • William Shatner Syndrome, is more, commonly, known as, The Shatner Pause, targets, the, vocal chords and, prevents them, from, vibrating; thus, making, you, have, to, pause awkwardly, between every, few words. People, suffering from this disease, include, The, Shat, Man, himself, and, many, characters, of, Final Fantasy X. Sounds suspiciously, like Christopher Walken, ( the two have never, been photographed, together ).
  • Shatner's musical ebola - ( AKA Bleeding Ear Syndrome ) Willy's, latest, venture in Hollywood is, in the field, of music. Be, very cautious, when around, Mr. Shatner, for his singing, will cause, a, form of ebola, which includes, bleeding, only of the ears. Severe, cases, will cause, deafness. Other, causes, of this disease, include, William Hung, that guy who wrote, and sang, "American Pie", and Yoko Ono.
  • During his 'Trek career, Shatner also, was a, pioneer in, contracting over 46, previously-unknown, STDs, from, alien lifeforms. These included, Sparidicum Modicum which, he, acquired after, intercourse, with a slug-like, creature, and the condition, "Miner's Toe" which, is still, of, unknown origin, but has, been, traced, back to Shatner. Shanter later, claimed that, at, any time during, the, filming of, Star Trek he, had "At, least, 15, diseases. I, don't, know, how, I, kept, it, up, ha, ha". Because, of this, Shatner has been... credited with, being the breeding ground, for several, new, hybrid conditions ]such as, "Funky Pete's Dancing Flu" and "Disfunctional, Gout Syndrome" which accounts for, Shatner's bloated and, zeppelin-like, appearance, in later life. Shatner's constant, sexual irresponsibility, led to the extinction, of multiple, species ( both alien and terrestrial ) and was the main cause, of, the deteriotation of his, relationship with his Physician Mr Bones. Bones, was responsible, for keeping the Cap'n fit, for, duty, and reportedly, once screamed "Dammit, Kirk! It was hibernating!". To which, Shatner allegedly replied, "You, want, one, of, these, pubic, mushrooms?"
  • Character-ended career disorder - CECD is, a, malaise...or perhaps a mayonaisse, in which, a person, is pegged for life, as being, one character, from a show, and cannot, ever, get another serious role, because, they are always, that character. William, Shatner, has CECD, because, people always, think of him, as Captain Kirk. Other, sufferers, include, Mark Hamill, the guy who played Scotty, Leonard Nimoy, most people who, played a, Star Trek character from, any series, and the guy who played, Al Borland on, Home Improvement. Andy, Griffith, also, may, suffer, from, this, disorder , as, many, always, consider, him, the, sheriff, of, Mayberry, although, this, is, in, dispute, since ,many, ( especially, those, over, the, age, of, 65 ) will, always, think, of, him, as, Matlock.
  • Mad Cow Disease - Thinks he's Denny Crane and wins an Emmy.

Hair[edit]

In reality, William Shatner, is, a bald, man, well-known, in, Canada and, Cuba, for, his ability, to, direct the sun's, rays, to solar, power, plants with his bald, head. However, the only, position, in Hollywood for, a, good-guy with, a, bald, head, was taken, by, Yul Brynner, so they forced, Shatner, to, wear, a toupee.

In the, episode, "Trouble With, Tribbles", Shatner was, nearly killed when, a, thousand tribbles, escaped, from confinement, in a storage, bin, and attempted, to make, sweet, sweet, lovin' to, his, hairpiece. Only thanks, to, gravity, ( invented, by his, high, school, buddy Christopher Walken ) and, his small, head, did, he survive ( though he did suffer from hairballs for many years... and no I did not say "hairy balls". )

After the, original, Star Trek, TV, show was, cancelled the studio, repo'd, his hairpiece, and Shatner, was back to, the dark, days, of not, getting, chicks. So he, went, to, the, Hair Club, For, Men and picked, out, the cheapest, model, he, could afford on, layaway, and, had it, surgically, attached, to, his skull. This piece, of, brown, shag, carpeting, left over, from, a 1970's, love-shack, has been on, his, head ever, since, and, has accompanied, him, through seven, additional, Star, Trek movies, and, countless, attacks, by Star Trek, geeks... KKKKKHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Facts[edit]

  • William Shatner, is so, dangerously, sexy, he is a banned, substance, in, twelve states, and cannot be, imported, to, Florida, without a, permit.
  • McGill, University, Montreal, voted itself to be, renamed, "William. Shatner. Uni. Versity". But McGill was not considered, sufficiently esteemed, to be honored with, the Shat-Man's name.
  • An institution has been set up, which will serve as, a repository, for William Shatner's, genetic material. Several dozen liters, of material, have already been cryogenically frozen, enough to inseminate, 30 million women. and the foundation hopes to use, cloning techniques, to increase their stock, of material. By 2021, one in ten Americans will be the offspring of, William Shatner. By 2093, 33% of the world will be a first, second, or third, generation descendant of, William Shatner. In 2150, more than 75% of the human race's genetic material will, be, Shatner's DNA.
  • The Shat man has, nothing to, do with, the saying "Shat by the Ark"
  • William "The Shat" Shatner released, a spoken-word, version of, Sonic Youth's scooter + jynx.
  • William Shatner is God, because he says he is.
  • William Shatner was, one of, two, persons most, loved by... Weird Al Yankovich's character in, the song White and Nerdy.
  • William Shatner is the only, living, creature that, can, defeat Chuck Norris with, no problem, at all. Everything Chuck can do, Shatner does better. He's, just too, fucking lazy, to do it.
  • The last name 'Shatner' is, just the, past tense of, 'Shitner'.
  • William Shatner no longer, needs to contact, the, ship to 'beam up', he can simply, will, himself to, beam anywhere on, the planet, ( or anywhere, in the universe, for that, matter ) instantly, simply, by thinking about, it.
  • Captain Kirk, was hung, like, a Denubian, cock, monster from, Denab 4, while Shatner, is, hung like, a Black, African Rhino.
  • Wikkiam Shatner, is known, to be GOD ALMIGHTY!! himself.
  • William Shatner, is the man with no name: Zapp Brannigan.

Awards[edit]

  • In, 106, After Cheese, the Romans, honored, the, Shat man, with, the, holiday of, Shatnernalia, which, eventually, morphed, into the, Christian, Shatmas.
  • Shatner, received, 7 awards, at the, Country, Music, Awards and, was, knighted by, the, Queen of England, in 1815, for, the, masterpiece.
  • Had Mad Cow Disease, but divorced her.
  • Also, suffers from, slashitus, which, causes, crazed fangirls, to, write stories about, him, and, Spock doing, the, dirty.
  • Received, the, "Most, Awesome, Person", award, at last, year's, annual, Secret Rulers, of, the World, Banquet, and, Twister, Contest.
  • HBO, ECW, WWF, and SNES, World, Heavy Weight, Boxing, Champion, of, the World, ( except, Costa Rica ) 1920, to, 1941, defeated, by Knock, Out, with, Machine, Gun, by Sylvester Stallone.
  • One of John Zorn's Famous Great Jews.

Quotes[edit]

  • "Uh, listen. I'm sure we need pretty girls like you in ( NBC's "Star Trek", "The Barbary Coast", "TJ Hooker", "The Devil's Rain", "the next 'Star Trek' movie", "Boston Legal" ). Why don't you come by my, dressing room, and let's, talk about, how I can, help your career!"
  • "Yeah, sure. Mock, me all, you want. But, with the Priceline, deal, my investments, in real estate, and horses...I got, more money, than God, now. Plus, I've had, more fine, tail, than half you, geeks, have even, dreamed, about!"
  • "KHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
  • "Captian's, log. I've lost my, toupee and gridle, and, cannot, leave my room."
  • "I, find, the most, erotic, part, of a woman, is, the, boobies."
  • "GET A LIFE!! PLEASE!!!" ( said to himself )