Winston Churchill

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Winston Churchill.


Winston 'Rule Britannia' Churchill
Winston, Aged Three
Quote: "I'm not Drunk and you're a Daisy!"
Hobbies Binge-Drinking, Deutsch-Bashing and Manual Evacuation
Brain Size Huge-ish.
Crimes Drunk driving
Job Eternal Prime Minister
Friends Joseph Stalin, FDR.
Favourite Song 'Whisky Bar' - The Doors.
Marital Status Drunk, permanent hangover.
Nationality Definitely NOT German.
Hates Stuff, Adolf Hitler, Poland
Favourite Colour Whisky Yellow
Loves Vodka, Whisky, Wine, Brandy and that Sweet Liqueur.
Winston Churchill while on an undercover mission in Germany in 1942, getting a taste of local beer.
Winston Churchill while on an undercover mission in Arkansas in 1941, getting a taste of local beer.

Sir Winston 'Rule Britannia' Churchill, also known as Winnie the Shit, Drinker-In-Chief, ( 15141978), KM, ONO, POOFTAH, STFU, WTF, AFAZA, CUC, POOF, HMRFRA; a.k.a Ickle Dickle Winnifie and winner of the Roundest Leader Ever Contest, Eternal Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, diehard Freemason, and probable Dreadlock Rasta. He is said to have had paracosmic powers, which include dude-watching, deutch-bashing and the secret of manual evacuation. His full title is said to be: 'We, by the grace of alcohol, kittens and their huffers, with the benevolence of Oscar Wilde, leader and supreme-drinker of all left-overs, half filled glasses and dipsy dregs, son of men who have always been drunk, and so forth, and so forth....'. He won the 1953 Nobel Prize in Literature for his many books on alcoholism, notably Why drink and drive when you can drink, drink and drink?.

Sir Winston Churchill was voted the Greatest-ever British Consumer of Alcohol in the 2002 Scotch Whisky poll. He is well known for his quotes, some of which are only attributed, as he was too busy binge-drinking to find time to utter them. It is well known that only eight of his quotes were stolen from Tamia.

He was the first English Man who wore Girls Clothes in Parlament. The Queen told him to do so at a Dinner after a Swinger Party , which he admitted while questioned by the Police for selling free Child Pornography in Heathrow.

Churchill founded the Church of England in 1534, which later branched into Church of Science when he was 22. Contrary to popular belief, he had nothing to do whatsoever with the Oda Shogunate or the Kajajimbi Mujamba...however he was the main instigator of the world famous Pissing-Off Showdown and the well known Anti-Appeasment Stripteasing League. He is rumoured to have helped Stalin in the defence of Stalingrad, even if the KGB informs us that the Russians needed no Churchills . Churchill was a great supporter of Cecil after the death of Anthony Eden's poodle during the Suez Crisis in 1956.


Churchill's Wartime Role[edit]

The plot thickens :o

At the outbreak of the terrible World War sequel, Churchill was appointed Ye First Lord of ye olde Admiralty. According to myth, the Navy board sent out the historic message: "Hide the Whisky, lock all mini-bars, Winston's back!"

In this job he proved to be one of the highest-profile ministers during the so-called "Dry War", when the only noticeable action was at Sam's Dry Martini Bar. Churchill advocated the pre-emptive occupation of the Norwegian vodka exporting port of Narvik, and the distilleries of Northern Sweden, early in the War. However, Neville Chamberlain and the rest of the War Cabinet disagreed, as they were more interested in beer and American moonshine. This delayed the binge-drinking party until the very start of the German attempt to drink Norway dry, which was successful despite British efforts.

On May 10 1940, just during the daring 37th German invasion of France by a surprising advance through the Low Countries, (they did do it again in 1914 didn't they?), Churchill was chosen by lot as the next Prime Minister.

As the English defences against invasion amounted to three bits of plywood, five daisies, two twigs and a horse named 'Rodney', Churchill realised that more time was needed to build up enough alcohol stockpiles to make the British fearless. In fact he planned to turn the whole island into a large open air distillery. As he was writing these plans, That Guy secretly recorded Churchill's drunk talk, and then broadcasted it worldwide. This was the greatest inspiration the Prime Minister could give to the United Kingdom. The first recording was the famous "I have nothing to offer but whisky, gin, brandy, and vodka" speech. He followed that closely with two other equally famous ones, given just before the Tittle for Britain. One included the immortal line, "You shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, you shall fight on the beaches, you shall fight on the landing grounds, you shall fight in cesspools and brothels, you shall fight in sewers; you shall never surrender - on the other hand, I’m off to Canada! " The other included the equally famous "Therefore brace yourselves to YOUR duties, and so bear yourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was MY finest hour! ' " At the height of the Tittle for Britain, his bracing survey of the financial situation included the memorable line "Never in the field of hangovers was so much owed by so few to so many", referring to the enormous debts he had made at Sam’s Bar.

During the war, Churchill is said to have read a lot of telegrams, and travelled all over the place, however it is rumoured he actually hid in the closet all day, drinking German Schnapps in case “the bloody war goes to that Hitler guy!

"Mommy always told me that veggies were good for my head!" - Unarguably the best remembered moment of Churchill's career, as immortalised in the monument dedicated to his honour.

Churchill is known as the bulldog of England, due to an unexpected and little-known run-in he had with Hitler in 1938, which ended in an extremely intoxicated Churchill bulldogging Hitler. Seeing Churchill's ass and scrotum also explains why Hitler killed himself.

On October 9, 1944, he and Eden were in a Moscow Vodka Strip Pub, where they met Stalin, without the knowledge of the saintly Americans. Bargaining for booze went on throughout the night. Churchill wrote on a scrap of paper that Stalin had a 90 percent "interest" in Romanian Vodka and Britain a 90 percent "interest" in Greek Ouzo. When they got to the Italian wines, Stalin ceded them to Churchill. This gentleman's agreement was sealed with a handshake, and the empty glasses were smashed on the wall, Russian style.

Churchill the Scholar[edit]

Winston Churchill is the founder of the Church of Scientology ( hence his name, Churchill ). In 1940, he realized what really was wrong with the world, and he decided to make it right. Upon being crowned Prime Minister of England, ( but after his celebratory hangover ended ), he invented a new world religion so that he could consolidate both science and religion, at the expense of not making any sense at all. He slowly gained followers worldwide, and he earned so much money that it literally drove people insane, so they joined the Church. It is most commonly referred to as "Churchill's Church" for comedic effect. Official ceremonies include binge-drinking, pre-party drinks, during party drinks, after party drinks.....

The first test to his Church was however a big flop: Churchill tried to make Adolf Hitler understand that England only wanted to be left alone, preferably with a bottle of whisky. Hitler and his sidekick Oprah opposed this measure, as they preferred der deutche schnapps. This terrible disagreement led to worldwide conflict as schnapps and whisky vied for world dominance. No stone was left unturned, and no whisky bottle full, as all Churchill's drinks during this period were seen as major steps to peace and understanding worldwide.

What is Churchill's Church?[edit]

The Last Judgement according to Churchillian Scientologists

Churchill's Church's goal is to offer an alternative to the evils of psychology, through their therapy process that Scientology refers to as, "The Same Thing As Psychology But With A Biorhythm Machine Attached To You For Some Reason." Some cretins suggest that scientologists just pray on bicycles, but such infidel suggestions are all crap and bollocks. Impostors try to offer crumpets, claiming they are Winston Churchill, though this is blasphemy of the highest grade, as no self-respecting Scientologist would ever eat such evil food.

Churchill demolished many churches around the main scientologist regions, while he also incorporated parts of other creeds into Scientology, including the belief that God is triple distilled (like vodka and something called 'The Trinity' ), and that only Winston is his prophet.

The Last Judgement[edit]

It is written in the most hidden manuscripts of the most hidden Church of Scientology ( the branch just off Old Kent Road, next door to the distillery and the brothel ) that one day the Lord will come back, on an avenging machine to wreak havoc onto the evil sheep of the flock; only faithful Scientologists will be accepted into Heaven, but only if they are found drinking 12 year old scotch, naked, under an oak tree on a mid-autumn's night, with a full moon.

Angry at the immorality of such actions, Tony Blair's nanny government has passed a law amending this prophetic vision: Brits will now be allowed into heaven even if they are wearing a pink dress, but it has to be made by illegal immigrants from Pakistan or thereabouts. However Churchillian free spirits such as Oscar Wilde, That Guy and Margaret Thatcher have led groups of fundamentalist Scientologists that meet naked, on autumn nights with full moons, to try and bring about the second arrival of Jesus Christ.

Where is he now?[edit]

We shall f*** them up on the bitches beaches!

Churchill remains the leading expert on Scientology, and lives today in his townhouse in Demyning-on-Bullshit, England, where he dines on tea and crumpets daily, and smokes a fag at 1600, like clockwork. ( That's a cigarette, for Yanks. He prefers them shaken, not stirred. ) Some say he died in 1978, but that is just bollocks. ( That's balls, for Yanks. ) In addition to battling psychologists and binge-drinking, Churchill does nearly nothing at all.

If you'd like to get in contact with and/or stalk him, he can be reached at:

Rule Britannia House
600, Bollocks Lane,
Demyning-on-Bullshit,
England,
PN5 6GD.

Other Notes[edit]

Peace.
  • "The fact that I don't know how the hell the Brits do addresses and zip code is inconsequential."
    • "Oh, old chap, it's called a postal code. British Postal Codes refer to streets, and are based on the name of the nearest large town, apart from London addresses, which are too bloody confusing to explain."
    • "British Humour...drier and arid, barren, desiccated, a veritable dustbowl, a disaster area which held together your damn empire until we broke off."
    • "Bugger my giddy aunt, bollocks!"
  • Churchill was, in fact, born without a bumhole...it is thought that he will explode when he reaches 156 years.
  • It's a little known fact that Churchill was excluded from Eton for fighting on the beaches of the nearby town Eton-on-Sea.
  • It's a little known fact that Churchill was excluded from Eton for fighting on the hills of the nearby town Eton-on-Hills.
  • It's a little known fact that Churchill was excluded from Eton for fighting on the landing-grounds of the nearby town Eton-on-the-Landing-Grounds.
  • Winston Churchill is also the rarely credited creator of the delicious snack food Fag Newton.
  • Winston Churchill founded Holland house in 1997 - a fact made all the more remarkable because he was dead at the time.
  • Winston Churchill is the only known Briton to be respected by the general populace of the United States, when they can remember who he is.

Proper Care and Maintenance of your Winston Churchill[edit]

Your Winston Churchill will run smoothly and effectively with the proper lubrication and when kept in the right conditions.

Your Winston Churchill can be kept properly lubricated by feeding it alcohol. While it will eat most any food it encounters, its real fuel is high-quality alcohol, and a good amount of it. It prefers gin (usually in gin & tonics or martinis) and champagne, but it will also drink rum, vodka, whiskey, and the blood of its slain enemies (served preferably in the bleached skull of said enemy). If quality alcohol is provided, your Winston Churchill can properly maintain its own level of lubrication, and there is no need for you to measure out alcohol for it. Simply refill any empty glasses or replace any empty bottles in its cage.

The proper conditions in which to keep your Winston Churchill is best described as "adversity". However, most general adversity won't yield optimum results; the best adversity for your Winston Churchill is in wartime. However, if there is no war for your Winston Churchill to be in, you have two options:

  • - make a war up to keep your Winston Churchill occupied.
  • - send it to English boarding school, where it will have to face adversity to avoid being beaten and sodomized by his schoolmates.

Following the preceding advice will lead to your happy, healthy, and successfully-operating Winston Churchill which will give you lots of joy and affection for years to come, as well as keeping your country unconquered by fascists.

Quotes[edit]

"Gentlemen, here's my Al Capone impression..."
  • "What? You don't think I'm going to tell you, do you? I'd be stupid to tell you. I'd get fired." ( referring to The Colonel's Eleven Secret Herbs and Spices ).
  • "This hat and congratulatory ham goes to France, who fought so poorly, and surrendered so readily." - Winston Churchill at the WW2 War Awards,
  • On the Paris Hilton: "I stayed there once..don't see what all the fuss is about."
  • "Looking back now, I was drunk on power...and alcohol." ~Winston Churchill on his stint as Prime Minister.
  • "As, after all: we Discordians must stick apart" ( explaining the why of POEE )
  • On the unwritten rule: "Hah. You didn't think it would be that easy, did you? Trying to get me to write down the Unwritten Rule. Shame on you. Besides, it should be fairly simple to see what it is. I mean, it's not like it'd be to hard to figure out that... Oh. There I go again, almost spilling the beans. Damn, I gotta watch myself. You're a crafty one, getting me to monologue like this. That's it. I've said too much."
  • "Do you know that old quote, 'No sex, please; we're British'? Well, I'm half-American, so 'ow 'bout a quick snog in the coatroom?"
  • "Eat bottle prick!" a drunk Churchill trying to glass Stalin
  • "Don't believe these people, they are idiots." asserting the reality of the year 1940.
  • "Long live Charles de Gaulle!" ( about France )
  • "I peeped under the skirt...she is NOT made of IRON!!!" ( about Margaret Thatcher )
  • "I pity the foo' who need this article." ( about Mr. T )
  • "I really steal all my quotes from Oscar Wilde."
  • "What's all this fuss about the sequel to WWI anyway?"
  • "We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in the streets....er..what I mean to say is, YOU all shall be fighting them. It's good to be the Prime Minister."
  • "Gotterdamerung!" ( Hitler on Winston )
  • "If we capture him alive, someone needs to ask Mister Hitler if that's really a mustache or if Himmler gave him a dirty Sanchez."
  • "I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is debatable because he has not returned my phone calls." ( about telephones )
  • ". . .And your plays are terrible, just terrible, but in the morning, I will be sober," ( To William Shakespeare regarding Titus Androgynous )
  • "I never drink tea. It makes me bloat and forget how many kneecaps I have."
  • "I can open a beer bottle with my teeth, sure. Sounds like the kind of thing that might get you laid, right? Well guess what: No woman will touch a man who draws penguins on napkins. Now that is just total bullshit." ( regarding his paracosmic powers )
  • "Mummy what's for tea?" ( unarguably his most famous quote )
  • "Oh My God! I can't believe you just said that!" ( on Neville Chamberlain's appeasement attempts )
  • "I've fucked every nationality and there's nothing dirtier than an Essex girl."
  • "I'm Rick James Bitch."
  • "I like pigs. Mistresses look up to us. Wives look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
  • "Some people regard private enterprise as a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look on it as a cow they can milk. Not enough people see it as a healthy sow on heat."
  • "We shape our buildings, and afterwards the Germans bomb the living daylights out of them."
  • "I also hope that I sometimes suggested to the lion the right place to evacuate his bowels."
  • "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will still be drunk and you will still look pretty good to me. So how about it?"
  • "The inherent vice of captialism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is its inexhaustible supply of Russian mail-order brides."
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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Churchill.

See Also[edit]