From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Zaïre.

This article may have been censored by His Excellency, Robert Mugabe.

What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!


Zaïre is a country in Sub-Saharan Africa. That is, the part of Africa that has decided that being underneath that crafty Dr. Sahara is a better idea than being on top of him. In 1996, shortly after the release of the movie Congo based on the writings of a very delirious Michael Crichton following an unfortunate Go-Kart accident in which an old woman's walker impaled an overweight Latin American general, Zaïre was renamed. Now Zaïre only exists in the metaphysical sense.

After being renamed, the old Zaïre faded into memory, until, one day, it emerged from the dunes of the Gobi Desert. It was immediately attacked by gun-wielding nomads known as the GILF, and subsequently returned to the hellish zone of former-names-of-third-world-countries ( FNTWC ).

Saddened by the situation that Zaïre had taken, Dr. Sahara immediately withdrew his monetary support to Al-Qaida. This resulted in an enraged Mr. T attacking the good doctor in his home in the Cayman Islands. However, from a nearby fountain in the luxurious home of Dr. Sahara, Zaïre materialized again. Mr. T and his henchmen were immediately defeated and forced into retreat by the secret police and paramilitary militias that rose from Zaïre. It was from this moment that Zaïre was declared a country that would forever be loved, and war would be waged upon the wicked nation that had replaced it, "Congo."

To this very day, Zaïre and its Quasi-Marxist ghostly inhabitants operate from the Cayman Islands, hoping to depose the evil nation of Congo and rid the world of Dangers to The Regime, terrorism, cow-tipping, back-to-school sales, the privatization of Social Security, the Department of Motor Vehicles, Reaganomics, Arachnic Communism ( but not ordinary Communism ), and right-wing talk show hosts.

Zaïre is a member of CAFTA. CAFTA is a member of Zaïre. Zaïre and CAFTA are a member of Congo. Congo is a member of Zaïre and CAFTA. Congo, Zaïre and CAFTA are members of Africa. The Set Theory is not a member of them, but Congo, Zaïre, CAFTA and Africa are members of the Set Theory. I hope this clarifies things, which being not clear in this regard, obviously needed my editing contribution. Please, no standing ovation today, thanks.