“I just want to thay, Iron Man, you are the COOLETH thing thince peanut butter, and i mean PEANUT BUTTER ITH PRETTY DANG COOL, but you are cooler man.”
~ Chad Wick on Iron Man
“Peanut Butter is People!!!”
~ Charlton Heston on Peanut Butter
Peanut butter is neither peanut nor butter, but is in fact the result of the butter plant being peanutted repeatedly. Even more interesting is the fact that peanut butter is grown by little Korean kids in a magical workshop known as a sweater. The Koreans are paid very little for their work and often die of choking on "peanut butter" and other peanut butter related deaths. All and all, peanut butter has been good to the people of this putrid moon, and my anus too. Also it once saved Jesus from being crapped out by a whale.
Peanut butter was discovered by a man trying to invent a type of marmalade that would be reusable after being thrown up from heavy drinking the previous year. However, no one remembers this inventor's name; on all of his addresses and letters, he signed with a squiggle. After a lawsuit by a children's program he was forced to actually be known by a name, which came to be "Mr. Unknownname", an expression which, in native dukkle means "not able to translate". This self confessed anus collector ( that's right..in jars, people ) also invented tater tots and muttinchops ( not to be confused with Lambchop, who was burnt at the stake for being a puppet breeding mental patient from the republic on central Fatsmellisstan. ) After being invented, Peanut butter didn't do much. Usually it just sat around and watched the soaps. After about a kazillion years peanut butter met chocolate and they conceived. Their first born was peanut butter junior, and their second born was a piece of subatomic waste that, with proper marketing, became a popular candy product. The popularity of this product led to mass-hysteria, thicker waists, and, once the information about its nuclear toxicity was released to the public, mass lawsuits. The FDA refuses, however, to pull this product off the shelves and, surprisingly, despite the mass deaths, it is still quite popular.
Peanut Butter: A Myth?
Peanut butter was first created when mentioned mental patient random guy was bored and had run out of all the ingredients for apple pie/pizza covered burrito oven baked goodies.
Or was it? A controversial group of scientists in Germany claim it was not. The result of their research shows that peanut butter was not, as previously believed, invented in Australia in 1899 B.C. What Edward Halsey invented was really a mix of jam and castor oil. They say that peanut butter as we know it does not, and has never existed beyond the matrix.
In 1911 the American government discovered Edward Halsey's invention and saw it as a great opportunity to empty their ever so overflowing castor oil reserves. This had been a problem since the 6th century. The CIA proceeded to create enough Jam and Castor Oil ( or Peanut Butter as we know it ), and camouflage it to look and taste like it could have been made from peanuts. German scientists claim the US government have been selling a mixture of Jam and Castor Oil to the world for almost a century, camouflaging it as Peanut Butter undetected. The hoax, if pursued by international courts, will lead to USA having to pay every country in the world several billion dollars for any harm done. Starting Jan 17th, 2007,all Peanut Butter must bear a warning saying it is made from Jam and Castor Oil and the juices from the eyes of aborted genuine pig.
Peanut Butter Industry
Peanut butter is a multi-million dollar industry headed by some of today's best known celebrities and such. Including Matt Damon, Pope Benedict XVI, Bugs Bunny, Chucky the Cheese, and That One Fat Guy. Peanut Butter has often been fused with other products like Chocolate, Condoms, and most recently Computer Chips. The sub-industry of Peanut butter fusion account for about a trillion percent of profits. Surrounded by Sex, Drugs, and Violence, The Peanut butter industry is much like Disney Land, and sometimes if you squint real hard you can almost see Courtney Love. The OPB ( Organization of Peanut Butter ) refutes this fact, but we all know it's there.There have been dozens of scandels and Supreme Court cases having to do with peanut butter and peanut butter peraphenalia, but the most memorable ( and controversial ) was Peanut butter vs. The State of Idaho.
Peanut butter vs. The State of Idaho
It began on June 17, 1994 at 6:45 p.m., a sheriff's patrol car saw a white 1993 Ford Bronco going north on Interstate 405 in California. When the officer approached the vehicle the driver had no choice to pull over. He was on the run from the police because of an accusation that he and a women by the name of Martha Stuart had threatened to rape a top peanut butter official if he would not give them the information about a possible merger between Peanut butter inc. and Jelly ltd. The official gave in and shortly after filed a report with the Idaho police department. The trial began with the prosecution in which they called up key witnesses and evidence. The defense brought a tape player and put in Nirvana's Rape Me, and then pointed out that the voice on the tape sounded an awful lot like the voice of the Peanut butter official. Needless to say the defense won and the official was sentenced to death for a filing a false report.
How It's Grown
As stated earlier Peanut butter is grown by little Korean kids in their magical workshop. However Peanut butter can be grown by other children besides Korean. For example many Peanut Butter harvesters often have Chinese and Indonesian workers, one company ( JIFFY ) even went as far as to use Apes as workers. However, it's widely known that Korean children make the best Peanut butter. However once grown and harvested Peanut butter is still what we peanut butter people call Pre-Pubescent Peanut butter.
Peanut Butter Puberty
After harvesting Peanut butter enters Puberty. Peanut butter puberty is much like our puberty, sometimes the peanut butter grows hair, sometimes its voice cracks, but most of all the knutz grows and expands. To power this expansion Peanut butter manufacturers use energy created by Kitten Huffing and killer Flamingos. Once Peanut butter has gone through puberty and passed its physical ( yes they touch it's balls, just like us, now grow up. )it's ready to be sold to the masses.
The Finished Product
After making the long journey through life Peanut butter is ready to be eaten by the masses. It is put in plastic jars often resembling characters from star trek and sealed with the magic foil. Then the peanut butter is taken to mexico and illegally smuggled into the United States. Peanut butter is loved by all and also goes well with jelly.
Peanut Butter Precautions
You must never eat the Peanut butter if the magic foil is broken, because...well because it says not to and you should always trust the Peanut butter people because their friends with God, and Odius' mom. Also remember that when eating peanut butter be sure to have a bottle of super-senstive anti-adhesive Peanut butter soluvent nearby in case your mouth becomes stuck shut and you forget where your keys are. Do not eat Peanut butter in a place with direct sunlight or one with intense heat and/or exposed electrical wires, because it is highly flammable.
How to make Peanut Butter
- 1 bag of peanuts in the shell
- Peanut oil
- Salt, to taste ( optional )
- Shell all the peanuts.
- Remove the red skins ( not Native Americans nor the football team ).
- Place a peanut on the anvil and smash it with the hammer until smooth.
- Repeat until all peanuts are smashed.
- Place all the smashed peanuts in a bucket and mash together with your bare feet.
- Add a few teaspoons of peanut oil, if needed to make smooth and spreadable.
- Serve on crackers, or dried camel dung if prefered.
Kids will love seeing how to make peanut butter!
Making a double batch with a friend is twice the fun - you can lick each others feet!
Note: Peanut butter can be used to teach your dogs tricks i.e. "The Peanut Butter Trick" if you know what I mean.
Often the ingredients are listed on the comerical packaging as simply:
- Peanuts (60%)
- Violence (42%)
This helps avoid people stealing the sacred recipe while still being completely true.
Awards and Recognition
- Peanut Butter is one of Adam's top five things that changed the most things in the thing...
- Oprah recently included Peanut butter on her "Things to eat list."
- Time's Person of the year in 1987.
- "The best sticky food of the decade" awarded by the AFOPUAFT (Association of Fat or Overweight People Under the Age of Forty-Three.)
- A New York Time's Bestseller.
What people are saying about Peanut and butter
“In Soviet Russia, butter peanuts YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Peanut Butter
“Simply put, better than sex.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Peanut Butter
- Peanut butter is a cannibal.
- Dogs like peanut butter.
- It's peanut butter jelly time.
- Eating peanut butter while taking the SAT will result in an extremely low score almost 99% of the time.
- Pieter jan de beer is the world's largest peanut butter consumer
- Pieter jan de beer is peanut butter
- Peanut butter is used to make Oompaa Lompas
- Pieter jan de beer is an Oompa Lompa ( ? )
- Santa Claus can eat an entire jar of peanut butter in less then 10 seconds.
- Peanut butter is used to make iPods.
- Ipods are made out of Pieter Jan's
- I have a picture of a naked lady with peanut butter on her boobs underneath my bed.
- My girlfriend has never seen this picture.
- I don't really have a girlfriend.
- Peanut Butter is the main character in Titanic.
- The Main character of the Titanic is Pieter Jan
- I just like to pretend sometimes because it makes me feel less insecure.
- Having a dog lick peanut butter off your balls is the official greeting on the planet Michael Jackson.
- Ipods are made out of peanutbutter
- Some dogs, when given peanut butter, will forget to breath... and they say dogs are geniuses...
- Peanutbutter is used in Chocolicousistic
- Peanutbutter is the fourth most popular food in the United States, behind the all too intoxicating pizza, cheeseburger, and hot dog.
- Peanutbutter is the #1 tool used for fixing leaks in faucets.