Pizza is a German food made with flat oven-baked bread, with toppings and cheese. Pizza was originally one of the world's oldest computers, like the abacus. Ancient Romans, in trying to mathematically work out the area of a circle ( and thus, discover the value of pi ), needed a flexible flat circle which they could measure the area of a circle. Thus, the original name for pizza was not "pizza pie", but actually "pizza pi". The name pizza actually comes from the Latin Pinatore Italiano Zeledus Zarqui Abacasa, which when translated to English, roughly comes out as "Oh, crap, she's packed me polony on wholewheat again", a common complaint of ancient Mathematicians at the time. The ancient Romans never managed to accurately calculate pi, but they did settle on the number 3, which was unrelated to circle mathematics, but rather was the number of slices it was considered polite to eat before pissing off the mathematician next to you. Mathematicians' wives ( unrelated to the Fox sitcom-drama of the same name ), never one to waste a good meal, would often sprinkle matured lactic fluid of bovine ( cheese ) on their husband's calculations, and thus, the modern pizza was born.
The recipe for pizza was lost sometime after the fall of Rome to Napoleon ( who won after a hotly disputed battle of Rock Paper Scissors, Rome having stupidly chosen paper when it was clear from the start that Napoleon was more of a scissors man ).
The first reference to pizza, whilst it was still classroom stationery and not a hungover frat boy's leftover breakfast, was by Aenid The Elder, who mentioned in his masterpiece Rhetorical Musings: 101 To Please Her This Summer:
"Two great minds o'er wheatbread do duel, and lamenting for lack of funds, said one to the other, I'm out of cash, I really knead the dough."
Apart from providing insight into a 300BC mathematician's state of finances, also shows that Ancient Romans made dreadful use of puns. As the pizza was originally a primitive computer of sorts, factions broke out in professional circles, which spawned many different types of mathematical pizza. Leading the front was the popular recipe which was freely available to anyone (expositus pulmentum, or translated, "Open Sauce".)
Interestingly, history shows that after Rome's fall to a short fat Frenchman, pizza's next appearance would be some 500 years later in Naples, where Funghii de Prosciutto - a used donkey salesman - hit upon the idea of sitting on his lunch ( which was a large slice of bread with some cheese ) during long-distance donkey deliveries, in order to tenderise the normally hard and crusty bread into something more edible. In a twist of irony, the salesman, on seeing his sandwich being compressed into a round flat food, was successfully able to calculate pi to seventeen digits, and as legend would have it, six of which were his phone number. De Prosciuttto, suddenly thrust into the culinary and mathematical limelight, opened up a string of chain stores. These restaurants also pioneered the concept of pizza delivery, which promised a the donkey-delivered pizza in under twenty four hours or your money back. The restaurants enjoyed brief success until they were forced to close after it was alleged that de Prosciutto had automated the pizza-making process, and the pizzas were no longer rear-made as promised by series of expensive television adverts. By this stage, other restaurants had begun to spring up around Europe, offering pizzas with a number of different toppings, although the art of making them by donkey had fallen out of favour.
The Contemporary Pizza
Pizza today bears no mathematical undertones, except where three men are expected to share an eight-slice Regina thin-base, bought only because it sounded like something else. Various toppings have fallen in and out of fashion, including the ill-fated Margerita, which whilst providing mild ham-and-mushroom based drunkenness, was exceedingly difficult to put in drink shakers. Pizza has shaped the way we think of fast food, which is round. An overcooked thick-base Meat Supreme also served as the inspiration for the frisbee. The frisbee's maiden voyage decapitated a hapless statue, which later inspired the James Bond film villian Oddjob in Goldfinger. ( Oddjob's scenes had to be re-shot after test audience felt that his Extra Mozzarella Pepperoni blade-edged hat was a little disconcerting. )
Kinds of pizza
Whilst most pizzas are cheese and dough-based there are some variations. Types of pizza include:
- Deep pan traditional
- Thin base
- Calzone ( flipped )
- Antipizza ( this is in response to upmarket Italian eateries offering Antipasta )
- Baseless pizza, also known as Cheese Fondue
- Pizza tartare, served raw and is really only eaten by people trying to look sophisticated in front of their dates.
- Pavement Pizza